******somewhere in West Virginia******

Whiteguy was the first to awake as well as the first to realize he was naked. It didn't matter much after he noticed that his three companions, El Wood, Ice Queen, and Wonder Morman, were also naked as the day they came into tiny little world. The four of them were inside this bamboo cage lookin' thing suspended some twenty feet above a bed of wooden spikes. Definatley not a good place to be when you're naked, or anytime come to think of it. Anyway, he found himself staring at Ice Queen's nakedness instead of the ancient warrior village they were being held captive in with all its elephants and armored barbarians and what not. Ice Queen's, again naked, body was covered with some kind of red paint. It looked like blood, but he knew it wasn't. He leaned forward to take a sample to examine. About that time Ice Queen awoke and gave Whiteguy a right hook that sent him tumbling to the other side of the hanging cage. The sudden rocking of their suspended prison woke the other two heroes.

"Exactly what did you think you were going to do, Mark?" exclaimed the still naked Ice Queen.

"I was going to see what all that red paint on your body was, Mary," Mark retorted. "You need to relax a little...and get into the groove of things."

"You have red paint all over your body too, Mark. I know exactly what you thought you were doing. Joe tries it all the time." Ice Queen tries to conceal her nakedness but finds it difficult to cover herself and yell at Whiteguy at the same time.

Wonder Morman feels a swift hand across her backside and angrily turns to see El Wood swallowing a handfull of the red paint. She kinda' likes it and begins to move closer to the computerized El Wood.

El Wood stands perfectly still for a moment and just before Wonder Morman's lips connected with his own, he says, "SUSBSTANCE ANALYSIS COMPLETE. SUBSTANCE CONSISTS OF A POWERFUL TRANQUILIZER WITH HALLUCINAGENIC EFFECTS, SUGAR, AND A MILD APHRODISIAC. SUBSTANCE ALSO INHIBITS USE OF SUPER POWERS."

Wonder Morman grimaces. Whiteguy smiles.

******Madison******

Girlman, Dadamerican, The Battling Beantik, and the girl called Lindsey strut out of the cafe like runway models at some high class show in New York. They all soon realize what they were doing and began to walk normally.

"I have to admit," begins the Battling Beatnik, "I never thought I would be hanging out with the Violent Femmes. The coffee wasn't all that bad either." He takes out a cigar, clips the tip and lights up.

"No smoking those nasty things in the DaDamobile, fella'," says DaDamerican. "I have to get chicks with that thing."

"I don't think you'll have to worry, Joe," giggles Girlman. "It doesn't look to me as though you put enough change in the meter." With that, they all look to the spot where they had left the DaDamobile to find it missing. A note was attatched to the meter.

DaDamerican lets out a "barbaric yalp" at this tragedy.

The girl called Lindsey picks up the note and begins reading. "If you ever want to see the DaDamobile again you are required to make a guest appearance at the Shriner's Children's Hospital tomorrow at 11:00. Lunch will be served."

"Damn Shriners," muses the Battling Beatnik.

DaDamerican returns once again with another "barbaric yalp."

Hours later after a cheesy guest appearance at the Children's Hospital, after regaining the DaDamobile, and after narrowly avoiding a brawl between the Battling Beatnik and a group of hippie Shriners, the three heroes and beautiful Lindsey were once again on the road.

A few miles down the road they encountered an RV(recreational vehicle) being followed by a MTV Road Rules van. They dispathced of it with haste and pulled into the area airport. No roads led to their next destination. Either that or it just sounded like a cool thing to say.

*****I-64 just inside West Virginia*****

Dark Lord Gullett looks across to Agent Wilburn who is driving the Jet Black twenty five foot 1965 Herse. "Are you sure this is the same road the JLA took to get to the Soul Trap?"

"Oh yes, Dark Lord master, deamon among the living and lord high ruler of all things bad and naughty. I had already tagged the JLA van with a goth-tracker. We should catch up with them long before sunrise."

"Good...Excellent...Stupendous...Absolutely Gothic!!!" He lets out a horribly demonic, although slightly humourous laugh. "And I must say, you have done and excellent job in the attainment of this most gothic goth-mobile."

***ancient elephant warrior village in West Virginia***

Wonder Morman, trying to control her drug induced passions, suddnely gets a confused look and her face and points to an ugly man with a bad haircut approaching their suspended bamboo cage. "Is that BJ Fraily?"

"I don't care. Come to me Annie! You know you want me," goes on Whiteguy. "I can see it in your...I mean your...your eyes! your eyes!"

"You have to fight it, Mark," screams Ice Queen. "If only this paint wasn't draining out powers, we could get out of here."

"You don't want to get out of here, Mary. I know exactly what you want! Aarrgh!" Whiteguy falls to the floor of the bamboo cage in an internal struggle to fight his drug induced passions.

BJ Fraily, now calling himself Ultimor, climbs a ladder to the side of the hanging cage and begins to speak.

tbc: : ***10,000 feet above an unidentifiable landscape***

Girlman, DaDamerican, Battling Beatnik, and Lindsey are sitting around the airplane wearing their parachutes. In a few minutes they will be jumping out to their obscure destination of which even our heroes are unsure. Lindsey is visibley angered at the Battling Beatnik.

"Alright! Alright! Chill," says the Beatnik breaking the silence. "I'll make out with you."

***outside the ancient village in West Virginia***

The sun will be rising in a few hours. A group of black clad figures lay motionless on the outskirts of the village. One of them, Agent Wilburn, speaks.

"You see, Dark Lord Gullet? I told you that the elephant tracks would lead to the heroes. Elephant tracks always lead to heroes. There they are . . . up in that bamboo cage, suspended above those menacing wooden stakes. I sure am glad we're not in that position. I remember a time back home when we drank a lot of vodka and then went savage on that bong you gave us and we all got in the back of my truck and went around scaring old women walking their dogs. We used to pee in our hands and..."

"Agent Wilburn?"

"Yes, Dark Lord?"

"Silence yourself. The delima is this. We need the JLA to lead us to this so called Soul Trap. But, these barbarians have imprisoned them. What would you suggest, Agent Wilburn?"

"Go find it on our own, maybe?"

Gullet clears his throat. "How about we try this . . ."

***10,000 feet above an obscure landscape***

DaDamerican opens the door to the airplane. "Time to go kiddies." With a jester-like giggle he takes a swan dive out of the plane.

Girlman steps up to the open door. "You guys really need to learn to fly. It would make a lot of this much easier." He then steps out of the plane, flies along side for a moment and then falls down to keep Joe company.

The Battling Beatnik pulls the girl off of him. "Time to go, girl," and he throws her out the open door. Looking to the floor he recognizes her parachute and certain articles of clothing placed precariously on the floor of the plane. "Good thing I didn't trip on those. I might have dropped my cigar." He then lights the large cigar and falls limply out of the airplane door.

Still falling, Girlman and DaDamerican begin talking. "So, Joe," screams Girlman, "what exactly are we looking for down here?"

DaDamerican wipes a tropical insect from his eyeglasses. "I thought this was your idea!"

"Are you kidding?" Girlman takes a sip from his water bottle. "It was that old cancerous Shriner that told you about it. What's up?"

"Can I have a sip of that?" They pass the water bottle and DaDamerican squirts Casey in the face with a giggle. "I guess we're about to find out what's up, or down rather." Neither laugh. It was a bad joke.

"Do you hear a woman screaming?"

"Yea, I think it's Lindsey. I'm pretty sure the beatnik threw her out of the plane without a parachute."

"Not again." Girlman grimaces.

"Anyway, this sure is taking a long time. Shouldn't we be there by now?"

"Where?"

"On the ground! I guess I'll go ahead and pull the cord on my parachute."

***ancient village in West Virginia***

The four caged JLA members are sporting fanciful outfits fashioned from thin strips of bamboo that El Wood worked into new costumes. It is late night and they are awaken by sounds of screaming barbarians.

"What's up with all that," whines Whiteguy. "Can't we get a little peace and quiet!!"

"Wake up Mark," jostles Wonder Morman. "I think the natives are going insane!"

Barbarians are running blindly across the camp, handicapped with fear. Ghostly, almost formless figures are chasing them through the village. When one of these ghostly figures catches one of the barbarians, the barbarian is momentarily rendered a dry and useless husk.

"Gross," cringes the newly awoken Ice Queen.

Suddenly their cage falls into the bed of wooden spikes, but strangely all of the heroes are unscathed. The cage collapses.

"What was it that BJ, I mean Ultimor said he was going to do to us in the morning?" asks Whiteguy.

"I don't remember. He's just so annoying," answers Ice Queen.

"I believe that his exact words were," a recording of Ultimor's voice begins playing out of El Wood's mouth. "Tomorrow mourn' you four shall be sacrificed to the god of these people. Namely me!!" Some of the heroes laughter can be heard in the background of the recording.

"I think maybe we should make a break for it," utters Wonder Morman as she takes to the skies with El Wood in her arms.

"I couldn't agree more," says Whiteguy as he picks up Ice Queen and transforms into a magnificent white blur of speed heading toward the woods.

One of the black figures approaches the smashed bamboo cage that moments before held our heroes. An evil smile stretches its way across his pale face as he returns his attention to the approaching figure of BJ, I mean Ultimor.

***somewhere else***

Two guys are sitting at a table in a large room sipping burnt coffee and munching on cold cheesesticks. One is wearing a Grateful Dead shirt and is very animated. The other is shorter and intelligent looking. They're in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do directly with the rest of the JLA tales.

"And that's what I'm talkin' about, man," says the man in the Grateful Dead shirt.

"I just don't see it happening. They didn't launch the plutonium 238 into space and we're all still alive. You're wrong. Just deal with it," answers the intelligent looking man.

"But they did launch it up there. The thing is, they just didn't have any problems this time. But next time who knows what's going to happen. They're out there to get us man. They're out there to get us!"

"Who are 'they,' anyway?"

The man in the Grateful Dead shirt leans back in his chair. "The government." He waits a moment and then goes on. "The real government. The men behind these political make-believes. Don't tell me you don't see it."

"Let me just say this." The shorter man sits up in his chair. "If there are groups out there like that out there who have it out for us, other groups like the Justice League of Ashland would bring them out."

"NO WAY! I'll give you ten to one that the JLA is in on it. They're right up there with the Smokey Man and all of them. Anyway, you can't always sit back and depend on super-heroes. Sometimes you have to get into some action yourself."

"You've been in the cafe way too long."******Ancient Village in West Virginia******

Ultimor stepped out of his makeshift hut and stretched. The evil, pudgy man adjusted his glasses and looked around at the village he’d discovered. The primitive inhabitants were just stupid enough to follow him. Then he noticed the wholesale destruction and the lack of JLAshlanders.

"POOOOOOP! CRAP! MAN, THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!"

He surveyed the grounds again, and ascertained his prey was long gone.

"Oh, well. Guess I’ll just practice my Beavis imitation."

******A Jungle In Venezuela******

"Why are we here again?" Lindsey asked.

DaDamerican mumbled an unintelligible answer.

"What was that?"

"That stupid Shriner said there was a tribe of rock and roll Indians here."

"The Shriner said this."

"Yeah."

"And you didn’t think it odd that a Shriner knew about this?"

"I dunno."

"Shhhhh," Girlman said. "My girly-senses are picking some activity up."

The four stopped dead in their tracks. Suddenly, a bunch of scantily clad hunters jumped out of the trees, screaming what sounded like Spanish.

"WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?" DaDamerican screamed at Battlin’ Beatnik, who had had a few years of Spanish.

"Something loud."

By this time, spears with nasty pointy icky things were at the throats of our searchers.

"I don’t like this," DaDamerican said.

"Hooooold iiiiiit," a slow, low, calm voice said. "I knooooooow theeeeese guuuuuuys."

"Who? Wha--?" Lindsey stammered.

"Well, lookee here! It’s The Grunge! Ice Queen’s cousin! You still on that Mormon missionary mission?"

The scraggly man smiled. "Noooo. I juuuuust liiiiiike it heeeeeeere. Of cooooourse I aaaam. But I’ve foooound sooome friiiiends. Theeeeey liiiiiike gruuuuuuunge, toooooooo."

"Well, then, I’ve got a proposal for you," DaDamerican said, relieved not to have something pointy pointed in his general vicinity.

******FBI HQ, West Virginia******

Whiteguy, Wonder Mormon, Ice Queen, Infinite Mike, and the computer-controlled El Wood piled out of the JLAshland van in their spare costumes. Early on in their super-careers, they’d noticed they had a propensity for losing their coverings, so they always carried spares.

A two men in sharp suits greeted them. "Hello. I’m Special Agent Cooper.. This is Agent Mulder," said the taller of the two.

"Hey, aren’t you—" Wonder Mormon began.

The other agent put his finger to his lips. "Shhh. How many copyrights you plan on violating?"

"Anyway," Cooper said, "we got your message. We’ll be able to loan you the Soul Trap for a while, but we have reason to believe DaDamerican might know the owner. We’d like to talk to him sometime."

Infinite Mike began to open his mouth, but Whiteguy cut him off. Beginning to glow, he smiled. "Don’t worry about it. Everyone’s going to be happy."

"Alert. I’m detecting intrusive presences heading this way," El Wood said. Three black cars, led by a hearse crashed through the nearby gate and headed straight for the heroes.

******Laguardia Airport******

After a quick trip to England (where they recruited the speedster group Blur, the malleable rocker team Elastica, and left a message with Radiohead’s OK Computer) the other JLAshlanders were on their last stop.

"Now this is my town," DaDamerican said. Three familiar men approached him. "Hey guys!"

"Word, DaDa. Who’s this?"

"Mike, this is Battlin’ Beatnik, Girlman, and the lovely Lindsey. Guys, meet Mike D, MCA, and Ad Rock . . .the Beastie Boys."

"THIS IS SOOO COOOL!" Lindsey shouted.

"Listen," MCA said, "I heard your problem. We’d be glad to help. We’ll bring the rest of our Grand Royal family, too. And probably some other friends. The Killer’s in town, I’ll talk to him."

"Jerry Lee? No sh*t?"

"Yeah, cool, huh?" Ad Rock said.

Mike D rubbed his diamond hard fists. "You guys better get to Ashland and start preparing soon. We’ll see you there."Where? FBI HQ in good 'ol West Virginia

The FBI agents calling themselves Cooper and Mulder instantly reacted to the three charging black cars with a volley of laserfire resembling Yahweh's own copyrighted helfire and damnation. Years of dedicated service has taught them to shoot at anything that moves and kill it dead. Still engrosed in sending the three black cars and most of the block half-way to Hell they yelled to the four unimpressed JLA members. "Get into the building fast and get a hold of the Soul Trap before these 'unprintables' get their hands on it! We can hold them off from here!"

A resounding and apathetic "O.K." echoed among the JLA members as they moped into the FBI building.

"I sure do love these alien laser blasters, Mulder. By the way, who are we blasting all to Hell?"

"He calls himself Dark Lord Gullet and is an extra-dimensional vampire out to turn our fair and peace-loving world into one of curruption and gothic decay. I once had him cornered in New Orleans, but he took this chubby man dressed up like a woman named Dusty as a hostage and was able to get away. He's not getting away this time though. Over there!" The block is so clouded by the gasses the alien laser blasters give off that the FBI agents can't even see what they're shooting at, but that doesn't stop them.

"You say he's a vampire, then?"

"Yep! Bang! Bang! I mean-Zip! Zip!"

"Then all we need to do is hold them off until the sun rises."

"How long will that be? Zip! Zip!"

"About seven hours. I think we can pull it off."

They let the cloud disipate and see that they have turned the street and surrounding buildings into a background for a bad post-nuclear war flick. The three black cars, and many others are still boiling over on the street, but Gullet and his gothic brigade stand intact and begin to return fire with their goth guns covering the other side of the street in oozing goth.

"uh-oh! Zip! Zip! Zip!"

"Mulder, stop making that sound! It doesn't help. And about that guy dressed up like a woman?"

"Yea? Zip! Zoom! Zip-Zap!"

"What's his number? Za-Zoom! Za-Zoom!"

"Zip! Zowie! Zoom-Zip-Zap! Zabow!"

"ZaZa! Zingles! Zippies! ZowZa!"

Inside the building the noise of the battle outside can be heard as the four JLA members mope down the hall toward another agent standing behind a wall of steel reinforced bars.

"So, now," says Whiteguy with a yawn. "Can we have this Soul Trap thing?"

The agent lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. "Sure," he mutters and throws them a spherical object that looks strangely like a Magic Eight-Ball.

"Hey,now," says Wonder Morman catching the Soul Trap. "This looks strangely like a Magic Eight-Ball."

"Well, Annie," says the agent. "No one ever said it was rare." Then the agent falls to the ground in a heap of bubbling cancer.

Ice Queen gags and says, "if that's not a reason to stop smoking, kids, I don't know what is."

Where? Outside of Ashland in a field across from Boyd County High School.

"The stage is going up fast, isn't it Girlman?"

"Sure is, Joe. We'll be ready to bring Ben back from the Creative Flow in no time. Do you remember when Billy Ray Cyrus and Dolly Parton played in this very field? What an embaracement. At least it rained on them."

"Yea, I remember it. The rain wasn't that bad and it was a damn good show afterall." There is a pause as DaDamerican realizes what he is saying. "On second thought...it's all a lie. I was never at that show. No siree. No way."

Girlman just stares at the panicking DaDamerican.

"On second thought Casey, maybe we should have the show somewhere else."

"Good call. I'm starting to get a wierd vibe from the tainted energy flow around here." Another uncomfortable pause.

"Joe?"

"Casey?"

"Are Dolly Parton's hooters really that big?"

"Yessiree! Owph!!"

tbc******FBI HQ, WV******

"Logic would dictate that we hereby make a hasty retreat," the soul-less El Wood said.

Explosions could be heard outside.

"Are you NUTS?" Whiteguy screams. "We can’t just leave those guys to the mercies of whatever malevolent menace has reared its ugly head! We’re super-heroes! They’re probably villains here for US!"

Wonder Mormon clutches the computer-controlled cavalier by his collar. "What are you, some kinda pansy? I thought DaDamerican was Jo Jo the Go Go Pansy! You wussin’ out on us?"

The computerized cerebrum of the Leaguer processed this information. Touch from woman. But woman is displeased. Less chance for procreation. Logic: if this one goes along with woman, she will want to procreate with me.

"Negative. We shall accomplish your goals," he said.

Agents Mulder and Cooper were still blasting away with alien laser rifles at the black-clad bunch when our heroes returned to them.

"Got the Trap?" Coop asked.

"Affirmative," Infinite Mike said. "We thought you might benefit from some assistance."

"Nice of you to offer," Mulder snapped.

"Holy CRAP! It’s the Dark Lord Gullet and his Evil Horde! They’re Gothifying the compound!" Ice Queen screamed.

"This unit shall defeat them with its unparalleled mastery of swordsmanship," El Wood thought, thinking Then the woman will be mine and the "getting it on" will proceed.

Despite the protests of the other Leaguers and the agents, El Wood charged into the battle field wielding his favorite saber.

"There’s too many of them!" Whiteguy said. "We have to help him!"

"Great, just great. I hate that putz," Wonder Mormon replied. From her magic purse, she pulled a giant stereo which started blasting Loretta Lynn. "Take that, you black-wearin’ silly dorks!"

Agent Wilburn and some of the other pale members of the Horde grasped their ears at the sound of something so . . .un-pretentious. But Agent Green got off a shot from his Gothgun and hit our Lovely Brigham-Youngian. Whiteguy screamed and El Wood turned around to see what the commotion was all about. Wonder Mormon had become Goth, her costume and makeup gone completely black, her hair no longer having any body, but, instead, a purple streak down the middle.

As El Wood was noticing his body’s rather interesting reaction to the change, he heard Whiteguy yell "Are you OK, Annie?"

"Shut up. None of this matters. We’re all going to die anyway. I need to go find a new vampire movie," she said as the stereo disappeared. Newly invigorated, the Evil Horde opened fire once more, hitting both El Wood and Whiteguy. El Wood’s hair turned black, his eyes a creepy pale blue. A black velour skirt appeared around his legs and his glasses became nearly opaque.

Black started oozing around Whiteguy, but he glowed more and more brightly and the Gothgoop faded away. "Neat, I’m immune!" he said. "Ice Queen, stay behind cover, but try to freeze them from there! Mike, see if you can get the souls back!" With that, the Great White Hope sped off, rapidly pummeling multiple Agents of Evil.

Ice Queen made a "gun" out of her index finger and thumb and started shooting ice-balls at the dark denizens of Ashland’s underbelly. Infinite Mike wrapped his crimson cloak about his body and disappeared into a glowing symbol of infinity.

******The Strange Extradimensional Realm Where Infinite Mike had been keeping his comrades of stolen souls.******Infinite Mike held the Magic Eight Ball aloft, then let it float in front of his face. He extended his consciousness and drew the soul-less bodies of his team-mates nearer. This dimension gave him great power and knowledge, and he instantly knew how to operate the Soul Trap. He took it from the air and shook it. "Son of Moore, Father Himself, Completely Scarlet, son of the Robin!" Turning it over, he read the message.

"Souls Returned."

******Back on the Battlefield******

Only a few Hordesmen had been dealt with. Whiteguy was being kept busy trying to non-harmfully deal with his turned companions. Then there was a bright flash in the sky. All the players in this scene stared up and saw a large, silver object fall from the sky.

It was "der Hozenkrak," Bassmaster’s trademark ride! And behind it was the Winged Archer, Heartman, with his sister Adrenalin in tow. A strange glowing, formless object floated nearby, and then flew directly into the battle. In fact, it flew into El Wood.

In a flash, he reverted to his normal look. He looked around and said, "Good to be back."

Huge speakers and cannons extended from der Hozenkrak, pumping extreme-low frequency beats and firing big smelly fish, driving the Horde back.

Heartman dropped his sister and drew his bow. He fired a special red arrow at Wonder Mormon. Upon reaching its target, it bathed her in love, driving the Goth out of her.

Once she hit the ground, Adrenalin boosted her speed, reflexes and strength and helped Whiteguy disarm the confused, frightened dark ones.

Sensing imminent defeat, the Dark Lord Gullet called upon his vampiric powers and disappeared into the night.

"YEEEEEEE-HAW!" Bassmaster called out. "Kickin’ ass once again!"

******From the Wesley Willis song, "JLAshland Monster Jam Kung Fu Action"******

The trademark cheap keyboards mark the beginning, then the unique singer/songwriter starts his song.

All the bands were thereThey really whipped a horse’s ass.It was all to get Kung Fu back.

JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!

DaDamerican started screamingTakin’ it to SaddamIt was a monster jam

JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!

Then Kung Fu came backFull of rock and roll powerthey really rocked the show

JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!

JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!JUSTICE LEAGUE MONSTER JAM!

The End.