There were seven of us -- girlfriends. We all met through the grammar school that our children were attending at the time. We were the urban Stepford wives. In the years to follow, little did we know how drastically six of our lives would change. We all had become deeply involved in volunteer work at the school. You name it, we did it or we tried it. We were room mothers, ran flea markets, craft fairs, sports kitchens, hot lunch programs, talents shows, bake sales and even tried our hands at running a haunted house. But, more importantly, our friendships grew. We laughed, we cried and shared our lives. We became a family. We were a happy group, or so we thought. What we didn't realize, was how many of us were suffering in silence. Oh, we were good at masking our misery. We'd put on that smile in the morning and go through the day as if nothing were wrong. But, one by one our lives began falling apart. One by one we were struck by divorce. And, as we came, one by one, to make our announcement that, "I'm getting a divorce", the reply was always the same, "YOU'RE WHAT???" We couldn't believe how this was happening to all of us. Was it a virus? Was someone putting something in the water? How could this be happening? We had everyone believing that each of our lives was perfect. If Hollywood had been passing out Oscars in our little community, we all surely would have received one. And, we ran the gamut concerning divorce issues. From alcoholism to infidelity, to physical abuse, to emotional abuse, we had it all covered. But, we were all so happy.
I was the fifth in succession to fall prey to divorce, with one other friend following me. My husband and I came to the realization that after twenty-three years of marriage, it would be best if we divorced. I had been unhappy for many years and never had the courage or strength to come to that conclusion on my own. Intellectually, I knew I would survive. I felt now, though, that I was ready to "take on" what was to come. I had grown stronger and was always pretty independent. But, what I didn't realize were the enormous emotional hurdles that I would have to cross. The fears were all there. Would I be able to support the kids and myself? What if this happens or that happens?? I could feel myself slowly tumbling into the black hole. I would get up in the morning and don what I laughingly now call my "uniform" -- a t-shirt and sweatpants. My priorities became all screwed up. Nothing made sense to me anymore. Confusion set in, I was in a fog. I could work on 40 party favors with no problem, but the thought of going to the grocery store would put me over the edge. I didn't want to leave my house. I would make plans with friends and cancel. The thought of actually getting dressed and putting on make up would put me in a panic. And, when I did manage to get myself together to go out, I'd paint on that happy face and once again suffer in silence.
I'd be standing in the shower and out of no where the tears would start flowing. And, I'd think to myself, "girlfriend, you're losing it". My one girlfriend, who had been divorced the year before, and I would take turns calling each other. One day, I'd be crying and she'd try to cheer me up and the next day she would call crying and I'd try to cheer her up. What a pair. I was an emotional wreck. This was totally out of character for me. Because, you see, I was the "strong" one. Everyone always came to me, I had to be strong, but, I was failing. I was falling deeper into the black hole and the fog was getting thicker.
Not only was I getting divorced, but within a five month period, my father-in-law passed away, my divorce was finalized, my dog was killed, my dad passed away and my bird flew to the big bird cage in the sky. I was deep in the black hole by now. All the males in my life who offered support, comfort and care, were now all gone. I would sit and think to myself, most people lose things, but, not me, I lose people and animals. But, I'm the strong one! By now, I was at the bottom of the black hole and the pity party was going strong. Everything was an effort. Friends called to cheer me up, came to see me, but all I could think of was poor me. I would agonize, how did this happen to me? I was always a good person, I always played by the rules. Boy, was I buried deep.
Little by little I was starting to force myself to do things. Then, one day I woke up and I got angry. I didn't want to be like this, I didn't want to live like this. I was angry at myself and I was angry at God. Why did this have to happen to me? So, in my anger, I yelled up to God and told Him, "You've created this life of mine, I can't seem to do it right anymore, so, I'm handing my life back to you. You fix it, you do with it what you want. I'm tired I can't do it anymore." I was always a very spiritual person and what I hadn't realized at the time was that I had turned my back on God. When we allow fear to take control of our lives, we have lost our faith and trust in God. A friend of mine, who lives in California, started sending me inspirational readings and inspirational music. I started going to counseling at Willow Creek, one of the big churches in the area. Little by little my days started to seem brighter, the fog was starting to lift. And then one morning, I woke up and had this overwhelming feeling of peace. This can't be I thought, maybe I was dreaming. But, no, it was real, I was awake. That was almost two years ago. Each day I became a little stronger, I pulled myself out of that black hole and the peace is still with me. Today I'm still a little crazy, but happiness fills my heart and joy fills my soul. For you see, God does work miracles, all you have to do is ask!
This is dedicated to my sisters. No longer will we ever suffer in silence again. As the saying goes, "You've come along way, baby!" We did it! We are survivors!!! And as we go riding off happily into the sunset together, two riding double, let this serve as hope to those of you who are suffering in silence. There is always someone there to take your hand, guide you and give you strength, courage and love. Just ask Him!
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