Adjust the tint on your tv so that everyone is green and insist that you "like it that way"
Drum on every available surface
Ask 800 number operators for dates
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI warnings
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks
Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go"
Honk and wave to strangers
Learn Morse Code and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Beeeep Bip...."
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Uncle Chester's stereo with the volume properly adjusted
Dress only in clothes colored hunter's orange
Change the channel five minutes before the end of every show
Tape pieces from "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE
only type in lowercase
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
Pay for your dinner with pennies
Tie jingle bells to all of your clothes
Light road flares on a birthday cake
Wander around a restaurant asking others for their parsley
Leave tips in Bolivian currency
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador"
Push all of the flat Lego pieces together tightly
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
Wear a cape that says "Magnificient One"
Skip rather than walk as much as possible
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio and talk into it
Drive half a block
Name your dog "Dog"
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
Ask people what gender they are
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers heads, such as "Feliz Navidad" or the "Mister Rogers theme song"
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance
Ask to 'interface' with someone
Sing along at the opera
Mow your lawn with scissors
At a golf tournament, chant "swing batatatatatatata suhWING batter"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend'
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook while muttering something about their 'psychological profiles'
Recite annoying phrases like 'sticky wicket isn't cricket'
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture"
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for
"violating your airspace."
Knight yourself and some close friends.
Re-elect Richard Nixon.
Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
Take your sofa for a walk.
Dial 911...breath heavily.
Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
Speak with a forked tongue.
Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
Learn to type...with your toes.
Be in the wrong place at the right time.
Request covert assistance from the CIA.
Count to a million...fast.
Have your cat bronzed.
Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
Run around in squares.
Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
Speak in acronyms.
Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people.
Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
Sprinkle your family room.
Join Hell's Angels by mail.
Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
Ask stupid questions.
Spew.
Contribute to the population problem.
Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
Skydive...to church.
Pinstripe your driveway.
Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
Mug a stop sign.
Change your name...daily.
Go for a walk...in the attic.
Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
Boldly go where no man has gone before.
Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.
Have your car painted plaid.
Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.
Install handicapped access to the {your favorite pathetic baseball team here}'s dugout.
Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a
"spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with my law."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences
with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the
cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson
conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When
nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to
fall off "in case the big one comes."
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone
book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary
because of your "superior mental processing."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the
results.
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