Here are some ways to confuse, worry, or just scare the kaka out of people in a computer lab

  • Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
  • Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes straight and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  • When your computer is turned off, complain to the guy/girl on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she has turned it on, wait 5 minutes and turn it off again. Repeat the process until thrown out.
  • Before anyone else arrives, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it is set up with.
  • Write a program that plays the Smurfs theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
  • When the consultant asks for your I.D. (at schools where you hand in your I.D.), reach way down into your pants from the back-side. Look perplexed. Say "hold on. This could take a while".
  • When you sit down at a computer turn the keyboard facedown and start typing on that side. If anyone looks at you, stare at him/her maliciously.
  • When someone sits down at the computer next to yours look confused and ask him/her to 'watch this'. Slowly look at the keyboard, and nervously push a key. When a letter appears on the screen, turn to them and ask if theirs does that.
  • Every ten minutes, look side-to-side nervously, punch the 'enter' key really fast, and dive under the table. Cover your eyes. After about ten seconds, get back up and resume whatever you were doing as if nothing happened. Repeat.
  • Bring a stuffed cat. Make it chase the mouse around the computer.
  • When you go to the bathroom start disconnecting the computer, and packing it for travel. If anyone asks you, say "I might be in there for a while".
  • If one of the computers goes down sneak in early the next morning and dress the other computers in black. Say they're in mourning.
  • When you have to write papers put the keyboard on the side of the computer and ignore it. Pull out a marker and start writing on the screen. If someone suggests the keyboard, say that you don't want to be that impersonal.
  • Make your own 'consultant' badge. Wear it when you go to the computer center. Whenever anyone asks you for help, say "What do I look like, a consultant?"
  • When you leave hug all the consultants good-bye.
  • When you go to the bathroom hug all the consultants good-bye.
  • If you are at a computer for a long time, and the person next to you has been there a long time, turn to them and coyly say "You like me, don't you?"
  • Grab the keyboard of the person sitting next to you. Get really ticked off when a) the person asks you for it back. b) nothing appears on your screen. c) when what you're typing appears on their screen. Accuse them of plagiarism.
  • When writing a paper get up and triumphantly jog a lap around the room every time you complete a line.
  • Go to every third computer. Pardon yourself to the user. Lean in toward their disk drive and quietly whisper "Dad?" After a couple of seconds, move on.
  • Fake being electrocuted by the keyboard. When you have enough people's attention, stop. Start laughing like it's the funniest thing you've ever imagined. Do it again. If they respond, do the same thing. If no one responds, act hurt.
  • Sneak behind the consultant's desk. When people come up to give you their I.D.'s, scrutinize them. Reject people based on looks.
  • Run a garden hose into the computer lab. Put the nozzle right next to you at your computer. When people ask, just say 'it makes you feel safer'.
  • Keep requesting 'talk' sessions with the person next to you. As soon as the connection is established, leave it. If they ask you what you want, say you don't know what they're talking about.
  • Try to race your computer, every time you hit a key poke the person sitting next to you. Keep doing this until you can poke the person ten times before what you are typing appears on the screen.
  • Practice at home until you get it perfect; then go into the center and spend the whole day there playing country-western tunes with the computer's error noises. Stop if someone likes country music.
  • Determine the busiest printer in the center and disconnect it from the network. Use it to feed a pet.
  • Gesture to the person sitting next to you. When they lean in, point to their computer and whisper knowingly "Watch out for that one; it's an animal in the sack."
  • Get a black, hooded robe. Get a scythe. Stand over the printer, and touch everyone gently on the shoulder when they come to collect their papers. (wear this same outfit any time a computer goes down; touch that instead)
  • Develop and practice an ancient Celtic war cry every time you log on to the computer. It helps if you can develop violent war gestures, too.
  • When you are given permission for a computer don't take the user card for it. Just perch above the computer and study the person that does eventually use it.
  • Enter the building dressed in camouflage fatigues and recon paint. Brandish a fully-automatic rifle. Tell the consultant behind the reception desk that you won't be needing a user card; you brought your own authorization.
  • Try to recruit people for a seance; tell them you want to contact lost files.
  • Put a can of Cheesewhiz at each station. When there are enough people in the computer center, stand majestically up on your desk, hold up your own spray-can, a tube of toothpaste, and a sock-puppet, and exclaim "The time has come!". Then sit down and resume working.
  • Keep coming back into the computer center dressed in different out fits. Give the consultant your I.D. every time. Get really pissed off and bitter when the consultant isn't fooled.
  • Practice an instrument instead of using the computer. This works best if you play something you've never really been good at.
  • Bring a really huge axe into the computer center. If the consultant asks you what it's for, just say that you saw something in a cartoon once, and you think it might work.
  • Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top secret Pentagon files.
  • Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, reply, "Just in case..."
  • Enter the lab, sit down, and undress.
  • Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream, "Yes!"when it finishes.
  • Start a disk fight.
  • Put a straw in your mouth and put our hands in your pockets. Type with straw.
  • Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
  • When you are on an IBM, after you turn it on ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
  • Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its done say that all you needed was one line.
  • Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and proclaim that it inspires you.
  • Attempt to eat the mouse.
  • Bring a bunch of magnets and have a blast.
  • Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", and then unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
  • When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are the best.
  • Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  • Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
  • Stare at the screen of the person sitting next to you, looking real puzzled. Burst out laughing and exclaim, "You did that?" Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  • Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEEEEER!" Go back to the computer and say, "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
  • Keep looking at invisible computer bugs and try to swat them.
  • See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
  • Bring a small tape recorder with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
  • Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

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