Ways to Order a Pizza

1. Press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking your order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker that a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
13. Stutter on the letter "p."
14. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser.)
15. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
16. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
17. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
18. Tell the order taker you are depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
19. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
20. Change your accent every five seconds.
21. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
22. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed Wetters Camp, right?"
23. Start your order with "I'd like...". Then slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
24. If they repeat the order, say "OK. That'll be $10.99, please pull up to the first window."
25. Rent a pizza.
26. Order while using an electric shaver.
27. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
28. Put the accent on the last syllable of 'pepperoni.' Use the long "i" sound.
29. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
30. Ask them "Are you sure this is (name of pizza place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!"
31. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back to your mouth and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
32. Tell them to make sure that your pizza is, in fact, dead.
33. Imitate the order taker's voice.
34. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
35. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
36. Play a guitar in the background. Ask the order taker to make a request.
37. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
38. Amuse the order taker with little known facts about country music.
39. Ask to see a menu.
40. Quote Carl Sandberg.
41. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
42. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
43. Ask what topping goes best with a well-aged Chardonnay.
44. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
45. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
46. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
47. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
48. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
49. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
50. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
51. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included with your order.
52. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
53. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
54. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
55. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
56. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
57. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
58. Wonder aloud if you should trim your nose hairs.
59. Try to talk while drinking something.
60. Start the conversation with "My call to (pizza place) take 1, and...action!"
61. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
62. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
63. Be vague in your order.
64. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
65. Press 9-1-1 every five seconds through the order.
66. While ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button does," and hang up.
67. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
68. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
69. Ask if they are familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a desription to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
70. Say "Ksssssssssssssht" loudly into the phone and ask if they felt it.
71. Try to detect the order taker's psychic aura and use it to your advantage.
72. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
73. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
74. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple faced gopher.
75. Put them on hold.
76. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
77. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
78. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
79. When you're given the price, say "Oooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
80. Haggle.
81. Order a one inch pizza.
82. Order term life insurance.
83. When they ask, "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
84. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.
85. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
86. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
87. Do whatever you can not to say the word "pizza." Avoid it all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
88. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
89. Order a steamed pizza.
90. Get order taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake up call, (name)."
91. If any of the above ways to order a pizza are rejected by the order taker, say in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

This page was slapped together with some tomato sauce and cheese by