Cast of Characters:

Clint - 17 year old guy.

Mr. Doyley - Clint's father; a strict, but firm parent.

Mrs. Doyley - Married to Mr. Doyley; Clint's mom as well.

Vanessa - The girlfriend of Clint; a real babe.

Ted - Clint¹s best friend; a pal.

Marlon - The black guy who's always in the hall playing bongo drums.

Koko - The shallowest girl at Lamab High School.

Jerry - Clint's younger brother; he's younger than Clint.

Isaac - The bartender who smiles at everybody and points his fingers all the time.

The Mondales - Jack and Jill; the next door, across the street, down the block neighbors.

Alfredo - A mild-mannered cab driver.

Bakery kid - Kid who works at the bakery.

Scraps the Dog - The lovable pet of the Doyley family.

and a special appearance by Enrique as 'Enrique'.

SETTING: 7 AM on a Monday. The happy and wholesome home of the Doyley family. Mr. and Mrs. Doyley are downstairs in the kitchen eating breakfast while their son, Clint, is still asleep. An alarm clock goes off. Clint does his morning business and heads to the kitchen.

Enter Clint and Mr. & Mrs. Doyley.

Clint : Oh, man. I don't want to go to school. I have a big test and I really am tired after that party that Marlon threw last night.

Mrs. Doyley : Hurry up, dear. Your breakfast is ready, I made your favorite: a bowl of Froot Loops with half a banana in it.

Mr. Doyley : So, Clint, how was that party last night?

Clint : It was fine, Pop.

Mr. Doyley : I see. Was there alcohol at this party?

Clint : Only a little beer, Dad. Nothing extreme.

Mr. Doyley : I hope you didn¹t drink and drive, remember what happened to your Uncle Ralph.

Clint : I know the story, Dad. Uncle Ralph had too many beers at a wedding and drove home. He was drunk, and on the way he hit a another car and killed two people. I already know this stuff, it's...

Mr. Doyley : It's serious, Clint, that's what it is. Because of his drinking, Uncle Ralph killed two young people and injured himself as well. I just hope that you realize how dangerous drinking and driving is.

Clint : Yeah, okay Dad, whatever you say. I have to go, I promised Vanessa I'd pick her up in a while. See ya.

Scraps : Woof!

Exit Clint.

Mrs. Doyley : Don't worry, honey. Clint knows how to take care of himself. He'll make the right decision.

Mr. Doyley : I hope so. (DUM DA DUM DUM)

Exeunt.

SETTING : The halls of Lamab High School. To be more specific, Clint's locker in the North wing. He and Vanessa are discussing Marlon's party.

Clint : My dad was all over my case this morning about drinking and driving. He's being a real jerk.

Vanessa : Lay off him, Clint. He's just concerned about your safety. Maybe you should listen to him.

Clint : Oh, so now you're on my case! I only had a few beers last night.

Vanessa : C'mon, Clint. I saw you leave, you were practically drunk. You could have been in an accident. Your dad worries about you and so do I.

Clint : Why don't we just drop the subject. (Bell rings.) I have to get to class. Bye.

Clint leaves and heads for class. Vanessa then heads for class and is joined by Ted, Clint's best friend.

Ted : Hi, Van. What's the deal with you and Clint? I saw you two arguing last night at Marlon's party.

Vanessa : We were having a fight over his drinking. I thought he had way too much, but before I could stop him, he left. He could have been in an accident or even killed.

Ted : Yeah. Well I've gotta go. See you both at lunch.

Exeunt.

SETTING : The cafeteria during lunch hour at Lamab High. Ted and Vanessa are sitting discussing geometric means and internal combustion engines. Clint arrives and sits down.

Clint : Hey, guys. What's shakin'? mmmmmm, this turkey salad sandwich looks scrumptious. Could you pass the Grey Poupon?

Ted : But, of course. (Ted passes the Grey Poupon and Clint spreads it on his sandwich and takes a bite.)

Clint : Did you hear about the concert on Friday night? If you want I'll get some tickets from Marlon and we could all go.

Ted : Holy jeez, that's super! Who's playing?

Clint : It's a new group called Dental Hygienists from Albania. They're supposed to be really hot.

Vanessa : I'd love to go.

Clint : Awesome. I'll get the tickets from Marlon 7th period.

Exeunt.

SETTING : Room 007, five minutes before the start of 7th period Arts, Crafts, and Stuff. Clint is talking with Marlon about the tickets for the concert. Marlon puts down his bongo drums and prepares to discuss the transaction.

Marlon : OK, slim. The tickets are fifty-five bucks each. How many would you like to purchase, my man?

Clint : I'll take three.

Marlon : OK, home slice. That'll be 165 dollars in cash, fresh unmarked and untraceable bills, and no plastic or any of that other crap.

Clint : Here's 100...110...130...150...165 dollars.

Marlon : Pleasure doin' business witch ya, G Money, hasta la pasta, tough guy.

Exeunt.

SETTING : Friday night. Clint, Vanessa, and Ted are driving down Route 66 on their way to see Dental Hygienists at the Central Civic Colossal Super Center. They are in a red Honda Accord that Clint got for his birthday last year. Their current speed is 57mph and the temperature outside is a mild 62 degrees.

Clint : We're almost there, gang. Hey, Ted my friend, put on some music.

Ted : How about a little Bohemian Rhapsody, gentleman and lady?

Clint : Good call.

Ted puts the tape in and they lip sync the words. Clint and Vanessa bang their heads on the dashboard and Ted in the backseat sings the solo parts. They then arrive at the concert.

SETTING : The Central Civic Colossal Super Center. Our three young friends enter and get a nice cozy spot next to a group of drunken vacuum salesmen who are off for the night. The lights dim and the concert begins. A huge explosion rocks the stage to signify the entrance of the band, however it blows up the bass guitarist, but the band stills plays without him. (like it matters) The kids have a great time. After the concert they go to Lulu's Bar, Grill, and Massage Parlor. (notice the Bar part?)

Clint : Hey, there's a booth in the corner. Let's go sit down.

Vanessa : OK.

Ted : OK.

They go sit in the booth and their waitress, Koko, comes over to take their order.

Koko : Like, what'll it be, like for sure?

Ted : I'll have a barbecued steak. You know, something you can turn over the coals.

Vanessa : I'll have the quiche and chocolate mousse for dessert.

Clint : Lobster special.

Koko : Like, OK. What'll you have to, like, drink?

Clint : A pitcher of beer would be fine.

Vanessa : I don't know, Clint. What if-

Clint : Just relax, Van. I'll only have a few, and besides, I'm a good driver.

Koko : Like, I'll be back with your orders, like OK?

Exit Koko.

After about an hour of eating, drinking, and dancing, Clint, Vanessa, and Ted decide it's time to go. But something bad is about to happen.

Clint : Time to go. (Shaking and slurring the words.)

Vanessa : No, Clint. You're not fit to drive. You've had too much to drink. I guess you had a few more beers when I wasn't looking. Probably when I went with Ted to help him find his quarter that he dropped on the dance floor.

Clint : What are you talking about? *HICCUP* I'm perfectly fit as a widdle, er.. fiddle.

Ted : She's right, Clint. Give me your keys, I'll drive.

Clint : No.

Ted : Come on, Clint, I'm serious.

Clint : No! (more angrily)

Vanessa : Clint! Give Ted the keys!

Clint : I said I'm fine! (Clint pushes Ted into a bystander and runs out the door bumping into the walls, and is gone)

Vanessa : (crying) Oh my God! We've got to stop him, Ted.

Ted and Vanessa leave the bar and hail a taxi. They hop in.

Enter Alfredo, a cab driver.

Ted : Follow that red Honda!

Alfredo : 10-4, Jackson.

Alfredo speeds after Clint. In the back seat, Ted and Vanessa fly all over because of the G-forces. Up ahead, Clint swerves dangerously from side to side just missing other cars. Finally, they catch up as Clint pulls into his driveway. Ted and Vanessa quickly pay Alfredo and then rush over to Clint, who is getting out of the car. He stumbles out, walks around, and then falls on the ground.

Vanessa : CLINT!!!!!!!

Ted : Holy jeez!

Ted and Vanessa help Clint up and help him into the house. Inside is Mr. and Mrs. Doyley playing Scrabble ®.

Mr. Doyley : What the hell is going on? Clint, you're drunk!

Mrs. Doyley : Oh, my baby!

Mr. Doyley : Honey, take Ted and Vanessa home. I'll take care of Clint, oh yes, I will.

Ted : Bye, Clint.

Vanessa : Get well...please.

Exit Ted, Vanessa, and Mrs. Doyley.

Mr. Doyley : What the hell is wrong with you?! Look, just go to your room and I'll deal with you tomorrow when I get home.

Clint makes his way upstairs to his room and falls onto the bed. He then begins to throw up; over and over again.

SETTING : Saturday morning. Mr. and Mrs. Doyley are downstairs eating breakfast once again. They are also discussing the incident that happened last night.

Mrs. Doyley : I can't believe our son was drunk. My little baby....

Mr. Doyley : Relax, honey. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all of this. *KNOCK KNOCK* Who could that be?

Mr. Doyley goes and answers the door. It's their neighbors, the Mondales.

Jack Mondale : Hi ho, neighbor! We couldn't help but hear the noise last night. We looked out the window and saw your son drunk on the lawn. I guess he's just like his uncle Ralph..... *SLAM!*

Mr. Doyley slams the door in their faces.

Mr. Doyley : Friggin moron.

SETTING : Clint's room. Clint wakes up with a massive headache. He tries to get out of bed, but falls onto the floor. He looks up to see two red tennis shoes. It's his younger brother, Jerry.

Jerry : Are you sick, Clint?

Clint : Get out of here, peabrain.

Jerry : I heard mommy and daddy talking about you this morning. They sounded mad.

Clint : It's nothing. Are they still talking?

Jerry : No. Dad left to go to the hardware store and mommy is cleaning the kitchen.

Clint : Oh, great. (sarcastically ) Why don't you go watch cartoons and later I'll play Nintendo with you.

Jerry : OK, bye.

Exit Jerry.

Clint : I am dead meat.

Suddenly, the phone rings.

Clint : Hello?

Ted : Hi. It's me, Ted.

Clint : Oh, hey.

Ted : So...are you OK?

Clint : Yep, I'm fine now.

Ted : You were pretty wild last night. You were driving like a maniac. You know you could have killed yourself?

Clint : (getting irritated) Come on, Ted. I was fine. I only had a few beers, and besides, nobody was hurt.

Ted : But--

Clint : Just get off my case! (he's mad now) Why don't you preach to someone else, or go save the whales or something. Good bye!

Ted : Holy jeez--

Clint slams the phone down hard. Unfortunately his hand was under it. He goes into the bathroom for some ice and thinks nervously about what might happen tonight when his dad gets home.

SETTING : The Doyley kitchen. Mr. and Mrs. Doyley are talking to Clint about the events that happened last night.

Mr. Doyley : What were you thinking? How could you drive home in the condition you were in?

Clint : I--

Mr. Doyley : Don't talk back to me. This isn't the first time you've done this. It's bad enough you had too much to drink, but then to drive home and endanger your life and the lives of those who love you and even those who don't know you, it's bull$#!&. You better shape up, mister. (GOOD SPEECH, HUH?)

Mrs. Doyley : Your father's right, dear. You had better get your act together.

Mr. Doyley : With the power of authority invested in me, I hearby sentence you to 3 weeks without the car. Please hand over your license and return to your room. Have a nice day.

Clint reluctantly gives his dad his license and goes up to his room to curse and throw things.

SETTING : It's Monday morning. The halls of Lamab High School are filled with students who would rather be other places, but they darn well know they can't get what they want. Clint is at his locker in the North wing. Vanessa confronts him.

Vanessa : Hi.

Clint : Hey.

Vanessa : How are you feeling?

Clint : I've been better, that's for sure.

Vanessa : I was real worried about you Friday night. When Ted and I were chasing after you in that cab, I was so scared. You were driving like a---

Clint : Like a maniac? I've heard this speech before from Ted, you could just forget it!

Vanessa : What is your problem lately? I think you have a drinking problem.

Clint : I do not have a drinking problem! This discussion is over, now get out of my way, I'm late for cooking class.

Clint dashes off and leaves Vanessa in the hall, worried.....and alone.

SETTING : 3pm, after school. Clint is at baseball practice and Vanessa is at cheerleading. Afterwards, they meet in the parking lot.

Vanessa : You¹ve been avoiding me all day! What's the deal?

Clint : I'll tell you what the deal is, everyone is on my case about drinking. I'm sick of it. You hear me? Sick of it!

Vanessa : We¹re just worried about you.

Clint : That's only the ninth time in this stupid play that someone has mentioned that they're worried about me!!!

Vanessa : It's true, Clint.

Enter Marlon, Koko, and Ted.

Ted : Howdy partners.

Clint : Hi, Ted. Look, Ted, I'm really sorry about the way I yelled at you on the phone the other day.

Ted : No problemo, buddy.

Marlon : If you two are going to hug, I'm out of here.

Koko : Like, I think it's, like, touching.

Marlon : It's makin' me sick, cats. I gotta jam outta here anyhows. See ya'll later.

Exit Marlon.

Clint : Well, does anybody want to go get a chili dog?

Exeunt.

SETTING : Three weeks have passed since Clint's drinking and driving fiasco. He gets the car back, and to celebrate he's taking Vanessa out to dinner for her birthday. But what she doesn't know is that he's taking her to the local diner, The Arm Pit, for a surprise birthday party where all her friends are waiting to surprise the living daylights out of her.

Clint : Well, here we are Van.

Vanessa : I'm really glad you decided to take me out to dinner here, Clint. This is our favorite hang-out. Too bad all our friends couldn't be here, too.

Clint : Yeah, right.

Clint and Vanessa get out of the car and approach the restaurant. Inside, everybody is waiting impatiently and excitedly to jump up and yell surprise. All of a sudden, the door knob turns and the door opens.....

Everybody : SURPRISE!!!!!!

Vanessa : Aaaahhhhhh!!!!

Clint : Happy birthday!!!!!

Ted : Hahahahahaha!! Whoopee!

Marlon : Let's party!

The music begins to play and couples take the dance floor. Clint and Vanessa go out on the dance floor and jam. All their friends come over to give their wholehearted congratulations.

Koko : Like, happy birthday Van. Gosh!

Ted : Hi, guys! Great party. Oops, I dropped a quarter, excuse me.

Marlon : Groovy party, cats.

Alfredo : Hey, what's shakin' kids? Hey, Jackson, how about a beer, it's tasty. Great party, and I love that dress. SCHWING!

Dave : Hi, you don't know me, I'm a vagrant from the alley outside, but I just wanted to say this is a great party. Where's the bean dip, I'm starving.

Vanessa : Oh, Clint, this is the greatest birthday I've ever had. I'm having the time of my life, and I've never felt this way before. You're the best!

Clint : Thanks. I think I will go get a beer.

The music plays on and the party continues though-out the night. Vanessa leaves to go to the bathroom and Clint goes over to the bar. There he is greeted by Isaac, the black bartender who smiles at everybody and points his fingers all the time.

Isaac : What's up, sport? What can I get for ya? A pina colada, perhaps.

Clint : No, that's OK. A beer would be fine.

Isaac : Sure thing. (Isaac gives Clint the beer.) Cheers, pal.

Clint : Yeah, cheers. Thanks a lot.

Clint heads over to the table where Vanessa, Ted, Marlon, and some other kids are sitting enjoying fine cuisine of sausage and pepperoni pizza. (mmmmmmmm)

Ted : Clint! You're drinking! Holy jeez!

Vanessa : Lay off, Ted. Clint's over his drinking problem.

Clint : Hey! I did not have a drinking problem.

Enrique : Yeah, right. You almost crashed your car while drinking and driving.

Clint : All right. Good point........hey! Who are you anyway? You weren't in the cast of characters, get outta here!

Enrique : Sorry, buddy.

Clint : That's better. I made a commitment not to ever drink and drive, and I stuck with it, yes-sir-ee.

Marlon : Amen, brother.

Clint : Enough about drinking and driving. Let's eat! (and drink!)

The whole gang begins to chow down. After a while, Clint tells everybody that he is going to the bakery to get Vanessa's big birthday cake. Instead, he returns to the bar for another pitcher of beer. Isaac smiles and points at him and then gives it to him. A short time later, he leaves for the broom closet where he has a few more drinks. Meanwhile, back at the table....

Ted : Clint has been gone a long time.

Vanessa : Yeah, let's call the bakery to see if he's gotten the cake yet.

Ted : Okay.

Ted and Vanessa go to the pay phone and call the bakery.

Bakery kid : Hello, this is the bakery. We bake stuff and sell it.

Vanessa : Has somebody been down to pick up a birthday cake for Vanessa?

Bakery kid : Hold on, I'll check (Bakery kid checks ) Nope. Bye. (Hangs up)

Ted : Holy jeez! Where's Clint?

Vanessa : I don't know. Let's go to the bakery and get the cake, maybe Clint's stuck in traffic.

Ted : Or maybe he got lost or something.

As soon as Ted and Vanessa leave for the bakery, Clint stumbles out of the closet. He does his best to appear not to be drunk so as not to arouse suspicion. He goes over to Isaac.

Clint : Where did Ted and Vanessa go?

Isaac : (smiling and pointing ) They left for the bakery.

Clint : Oh no! I forgot about the cake. *HICCUP*

Isaac : Are you okay? You're acting kinda weird.

Clint : I'm just a little sick that's all. Too many, uh, burritos.

Isaac : Oh.

Clint then dashes for the door, but smashes face first into the wall. He gathers himself embarrassingly and leaves for the bakery.

Isaac : Wait a minute. This establishment doesn't serve burritos. That boy was drunk! I better call the captain.

SETTING : Ted and Vanessa have just left the bakery with the cake and are heading back for the diner. Meanwhile, Clint is hurriedly in pursuit to catch up. He is driving way too fast because he had too much to drink. He unknowingly begins to speed up. Then, at the part of the highway where there's a big billboard for the House of Donuts, Clint begins to lose control. He hallucinates an animal in the road and then swerves into the billboard posts, knocking the billboard on to an oncoming car that was coming. The car that was smashed by the billboard bursts into flames. Clint just lies unconscious in his car. Finally, the ambulances and fire trucks arrive......

SETTING : Rocky Road Hospital and Medical Facilities. Clint is asleep in a hospital bed in room 911. His parents and brother are sitting nearby waiting for him to awaken. Clint then awakens---

Clint : Wha---where---where am I?

Mrs. Doyley : It's all right, dear. You're in the hospital. You were in a very serious accident.

Mr. Doyley : Yes, the doctors said you were------DRINKING AND DRIVING! Is that true?

Clint : I guess so. I can't really remember. I recall having a few drinks, but when I got behind the wheel I felt in control. I guess I wasn't, huh? I am so sorry.

Mr. Doyley : I did warn you that drinking and driving is dangerous and that someone could be hurt.

Clint : But nobody was hurt, right?

Mr. Doyley : Wrong, son. You killed two people because of your drunk driving.

Mrs. Doyley begins to cry.

Clint : Who died in the accident?

Mr. Doyley : (after a long pause ).....Vanessa and Ted.

The room falls silent, except for Mrs. Doyley's crying, and the sound of Clint's head falling back on to the pillow.