A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?" he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'..." replies the Sheriff.

Two guys sitting at a bar, chatting about dogs, and trying to out-do each other: 1st guy : ''I taught my dog to read.'' 2nd guy : ''I know. My dog told me that yesterday."

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? ... Pumpkin pi.

What do you get when you cross an Indian with a cow? ... Geronimoo.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? ... Hopscotch.

So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff. Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "What for?" "For making an obscene clone fall."

There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with the pilot. One was the smartest man in the world, one was a minister, and the other was a young college student. All of a sudden, the pilot shouted that the plane was going down. There were only 3 parachutes. The pilot said that he had a wife and children who needed him, took one of the chutes and jumped out. There were now 2 parachutes. The smartest man in the world said, "I am the smartest man in the world, and I have made great contributions to civilization and culture and I must live so I can continue to do so. He grabbed a pack and jumped out. The minister turned to the student and said, "I have lived a long and full life and I am ready to meet my creator." "You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you." "You take the last parachute." The student smiled and said, "Relax Rev, the smartest man in the world jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope, "Hey! We don't serve ropes in here!" So one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope, "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afraid not."

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whack". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies, "Well I have this vase." He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says, "Well that's just a cheap knick-knack." Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "Gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money. That's no knick-knack Patty Whack give the frog a loan!"

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....

A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "God, it's hot in here", and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.

Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!

What do you do when you are inside an elephant? Run around and run around til you're all pooped out.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

What was the centerpiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimia sufferers convention? A cake jumping out of a girl.

A pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we don't serve food in here.

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