* - new additions
*After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Could it be that so many deer get hit on the interstates because they're simply obeying the posted deer crossing signs?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... 'till you can find a big stick.
Does a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
*Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do you let someone know you've just painted a wet paint sign?
How many people thought of the Post-it note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints..... is that considered racism?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
*If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
If you were to accidentally eat fake fruit when you threw up would it be that wacky fake vomit?
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
In this fast-paced, modern world, it only takes a fraction of the time it used to for a luxury to become a necessity. However, when you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast, just find a bank or supermarket line to reassure yourself.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Is an empty beanbag chair still a chair, or just a giant beanbag?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Is there another word for "synonym?"
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there?
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Okay, so sticks and stones may break your bones but names can never hurt you. What if someone carved a name in a stone and then threw it at you?
Seminar Topic: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Phobias But Were Afraid To Ask."
Shin: A very sensitive device for finding furniture in the dark.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
*So what's the speed of dark?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
The difference between theory and practice is practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.
The light went out, but where to?
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important things in life aren't things.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
To compliment the vest why not some nice bullet-proof slacks?
*War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
We recite at a play and play at a recital.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What do you get when you cross a humming bird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.
What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.
What's another word for thesaurus?
*What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When I die I want to be asleep like my grandfather was. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me.
When two funeral processions meet at an intersection, how do they decide who has the right of way?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpet?
When you see a mime fighting those heavy winds, do you ever wonder why he doesn't just get back into his imaginary box?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
*Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why did they make the word 'dyslexia' so hard to read?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why don't they just make food stamps edible?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
*Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do we say something's out of order when it's broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
*Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?