15. New scene in which Chewbacca shows Han Solo how he marks his territory.
14. He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that "Primatene Mist" Vader uses seems to be helping his breathing.
13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Leia on the knee with a lightsaber.
12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
8. Han, Luke, and Obi-Wan now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7. New scene where Han Solo takes unsuspecting Jabba to go fishing.
6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5. Luke and Obi-Wan stumble across the extra X-rated message of Leia in R2D2's memory banks.
4. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
3. During one lonely night, Princess Leia finds R2D2's special attachment.
2. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
1.Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's lightsaber in Mos Eisley was none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK
10. "Look sir, droids!"
9. No time travelers picking up their own heads!
8. No alternate universes!
7. No transporters to save your butt at the last minute!
6. Aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads!
5. Starship battles in three dimensions!
4. War, not neutral zones!
3. No ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names!
2. No holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors!
1. Leia in that skimpy outfit in Jabba's Palace! =)
10 MORE REASONS STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK
1. Super Star Destroyer "Executor" easily outguns any Trek ship, Federation or otherwise.
2. "Star Trek II" had the guy from "Fantasy Island". "Empire Strikes Back" had "Cliff" from "Cheers".
3. LaForge never did booze commercials. Hmmmmm...
4. IG-88 could whip Data any day.
5. Boba Fett, Darth Vader, The Rancor. 'Nuff said.
6. Nowhere in any "Star Wars" storyline is the line: "Why would GOD need a starship?"
7. No Neelix.
8. "Star Wars" bars serve REAL booze.
9. Cooler toys.
10. No Klingons stinking up the place.
11. Bigger explosions, and more of 'em!
12. "Star Wars" females have important positions of power.
TOP TEN "MORE" REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK
10. The only warship the Federation has is the Defiant; the Rebel Alliance has starFIGHTERS, starCRUISERS, and escort FRIGATES.
9. The Star Trek people have phasers that look like modified dustbusters, the Star Wars people have BLASTers, which look like real guns.
8. No huge hairy testicles named tribbles.
7. Darth Vader could kick both Picard's and Kirk's butts any day.
6. In Star Wars, there is no "Prime Directive"
5. Not all of the ships in Star Wars look like flying Saucers with two sewer pipes sticking out behind them.
4. Harrison Ford(Han Solo) is a much better actor than William Shatner(Captain Kirk)
3. Aliens that look like something other than humans with forehead ridges, nose ridges, pointy ears, etc.
2. The Super Star Destroyer "EXECUTOR" could kick the Galaxy Class Starship "ENTERPRISE's" butt any day.
1. The movie, Star Trek: Generations
TEN LINES YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN STAR WARS:
10. Stormtrooper to Captain: "Sir, do you ever feel...you know...not so fresh?"
9. Leia: "I love you." Han: "You're not getting my Bud Lite."
8. Palpatine Clone: "Get the cocktail sauce! It's fried Calamari tonight!"
7. Vader, to Admiral Motti's dissing of The Force: "I think someone needs a time-out."
6. C-3PO: "Fine. Don't listen to me. Go ahead and die, for all I care."
5. Jabba: "Solo, you scamp! You're a naughty boy!"
4. Luke: "So what if she's my sister? She's HOT!"
3. Greedo (in Rodian): Going somewhere, Solo? Where's my hug?
2. Anyone: "Y'know, I've got a GOOD feeling about this!"
1. Imperial Officer: "Inform the Commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived...and me without a thing to wear!"
TOP TEN STORMTROOPER COMPLAINTS
10. Being downwind of Dewbacks...YUCK!
9. Sometimes I feel like just another number.
8. Brainiac who thought of WHITE armor should try suiting up and hiding in a forest HIMSELF sometime.
7. Pension plan stinks...if you live that long.
6. Can't see a thing in that helmet.
5. Vindictive Captain always puts my on dianoga detail
4. "Armor forms an anti-blaster cocoon on," my a**.
3. Cheap-a** rifles WAY off calibration...keep missing my targets.
2. Every time I meet a nice girl, she shoots at me.
1. When I've personally toasted several rebels on the "Tantive IV", I still get less recognition than the guy who just said "Look, sir, 'droids!"
TOP TEN TIE FIGHTER PILOT COMPLAINTS
10. Not a thin credit from those action-figure guys.
9. Asteroids. Ugh.
8. Empire too cheap to spring for life-support and ejector seats.
7. A-Wings are too damn fast. When do WE get cool new stuff?
6. Limited viewports = reduced field of vision.
5. No CD player, just FM radio.
4. Not allowed to do risque nose-art on my fighter.
3. When the last guy doesn't fill up the ionization chamber.
2. Damn it, when do we get SHIELDS AND HYPERDRIVE?!
1. Last guy's gum stuck under the control yoke.
TOP TEN IMPERIAL GUNNER COMPLAINTS
10. Other divisions get cool armor...WE get leisure suits.
9. Death Star snack machines always out of Twix bars.
8. Even the MOUSE 'DROIDS laugh at my helmet.
7. Targeting sensors only register organics, not droids.
6. Getting the turret by the thermal exhaust port.
5. Helmet 'com occasionally picks up the country station.
4. Teeny visor cuts down visibility.
3. Stormtroopers hog the "Lethal Enforcers" machine in "The Executor's" video arcade.
2. Those damn Rebel pilots.
1. Heat from Turbo- and Super-lasers have singed all the hair off my body. I mean ALL of it.
TOP TEN LAST-MINUTE ADDITIONS TO THE SPECIAL EDITION TRILOGY
10. 1023, Davin Felth (the "Look sir, droids!" trooper), has a five-minute soliloquy.
9. Luke's digitally-enhanced pecs.
8. Jabba's big gangsta-rap number.
7. More dead Ewoks (by popular request).
6. Mouse droids now have cute, trademarked ears.
5. Annoying pest Salacious Crumb replaced by annoying pest Pauly Shore.
4. Carrie Fisher digitally replaced by Teri Hatcher.
3. Fett's Jetpack exhibits missile-firing capability.
2. George Lucas digitally inserted into Mos Eisley Cantina, sipping a cool Kashyyyk Smoothie.
1. When Emperor Palpatine arrives at Death Star II, Vader and all assembled stormtroopers dance "The Macarena".
TOP 10 IMPERIAL BUMPER STICKERS
10. "REAL PILOTS WEAR BLACK"
9. "MY KID ARRESTED YOUR HONOR STUDENT"
8. "JOIN US!"
7. "TIE FIGHTER PILOTS' UNION, LOCAL THX-1138"
6. "IMPERIALS DO IT IN FORMATION"
5. "ONLY WIMPS HAVE SHIELDS"
4. "THAT'S NO MOON...I'LL SHOW YOU A MOON!"
3. "MY OTHER SHIP IS "THE EXECUTOR"
2. "I BRAKE FOR...I DON'T HAVE BRAKES! AAAAAHH!"
1. "IF YOU AIN'T A DARK LORD, YOU AIN'T SITH (Darth Vader only)"
TOP 10 REBEL BUMPER STICKERS
10. "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, RAM 'EM!"
9. "REMEMBER ALDERAAN"
8. "IF YOU CAN'T BE GOOD, BE CAREFUL"
7. "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE. LOOSEN UP!"
6. "MY R2 UNIT SAYS "PPBBBT" TO YOUR SFS TARGETING COMPUTER!"
5. "IF YOU OUTLAW BLASTERS, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE BLASTERS"
4. "I HAVE SHIELDS"
3. "STAY ON TARGET!"
2. "I AM NOT THE SQUADRON LEADER. SHOOT SOMEONE ELSE"
1. "I FLEW THE DEATH STAR ASSAULT, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY BUMPER STICKER"
TOP 10 REJECTED STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES / PLAYSETS
10. "Battle Damaged" Ewok
9. Ree-Yees' Liquor Cabinet Adventure Set
8. Missile-Firing Boba Fett (still bitter about this one)
7. Exploding C-3PO (people would have WAY too much fun with this one)
6. "Dysfunctional Family of the Century" 3-Pack (contains French-kissing Luke & Leia, leather clad Darth w/ Pain-Droid)
5. 2-1B At-Home Prosthetic Surgery Kit
4. Effeminate Imperial Officer
3. Death Star Rest Room Assault
2. Horny Xizor in Seduction Gear
1. Luke Skywalker in Dancing Girl Outfit
REBEL ENGINEERS' 10 WORST IDEAS
10. Electronic dianoga mating call
9. Transparent cola
8. Blasters for Ewoks
7. The Q-Wing Fighter
6. The Inflatable Wookiee (been a lo-o-o-o-ong time since Chewie was home)
5. Admiral Ackbar / Nien Nunb kissing booth at the fundraiser
4. Using Bothan spies
3. "Star Trek: Voyager"
2. Using HOTH for a base. What were they THINKING!?
1. Personal Pocket 3PO-Unit Buddies
TOP 10 PROBLEMS IN YODA'S LIFE
10. Next door neighbor's home is strong with the dark side
9. Only dating opportunities involve lizards and snakes
8. You find a kid, bring him into your home, feed him and all he does is whine!
7. The most companionship around is a transparent dead guy
6. Being the last of your kind makes the high school reunions kind of boring
5. Keep getting dropped by Jedi students who can't concentrate
4. That rotten little Artoo stole the flashlight back
3. His lightsaber is taller than him
2. Frank Oz has cold hands (it's a muppet joke)
1. 900 years on this stinking planet and still no cable TV!
TOP 10 REASONS THE REBELS WERE DESTINED TO WIN
10. Unlike some army we could mention, rebels understand the concept of camouflage
9. We're just crazy enough to throw snub fighters against a battle station!
8. The Empire kicks out free-thinkers and individuals... the rebellion makes them generals
7. Our droids are programmed to lie to stormtroopers
6. ALL our ships have shields
5. When our fleet started getting blasted into oblivion... we moved closer!
4. Imperials live in air-conditioned bunkers and space stations. Rebels live in jungles, glaciers, deserts...
3. Rebels consider 5 to 1 odds against them good!
2. Our commander isn't some shriveled old man in a dress.
1. We never got our butts kicked by teddy bears!
TOP 10 FEATURES OF THE NEW DEATH STAR
10. Bitchin' flame decals
9. Big empty chasm that has no use, but will probably come in handy
8. AM & FM radio, but no CD player.
7. Espresso machines on every level
6. Garbage chutes that vent directly into disintegration chambers
5. Tiny mirrors over entire surface. Deflects laser fire, and looks great on the disco floor!
4. Troops stationed on new DS no longer issued grappling hooks
3. Petting zoo
2. More than one switch for the tractor beam
1. Wide-band radio broadcasting "This is just a small moon. Do not destroy."
TOP 10 WAYS THE EMPIRE CAN IMPROVE ITS IMAGE
10. Free balloons for kids who turn in their parents
9. Emperor is always photographed with kittens
8. Next time they find a rebel base, just send flowers and maybe a nice fruit basket
7. Pardon every 1000th person illegally arrested
6. Paint the Star Destroyers to look like a big ol' slice of apple pie! Mmm Mmm good!
5. New slogan- Remember how you hated all that freedom?
4. Darth gets a teenage sidekick and a Darthmobile
3. New nickname Darth "the Sexecutioner" Vader
2. Always saying "Please" and "Thank You" when enslaving entire worlds
1. Stop showing reruns of Alderaan
TOP 10 FUN THINGS ABOUT BEING DARTH VADAR
10. The way people shut up when you enter the room.
9. You can tell someone to drop their pants, and they'll do it!
8. You can cut into any line and nobody's gonna do anything about it.
7. You know what they say about guys with big lightsabers...
6. Get to party with Pearl Jam after the show
5. On most people, vinyl, leather, and a cape just doesn't work
4. Tours of Galactic conquest equals big frequent flyer miles!
3. Got the best theme song of anyone in the galaxy
2. Extra Sprinkles on your ice cream from Death Star Baskin Robbins
1. Chicks dig the helmet
TOP 10 STORMTROOPER PRACTICAL JOKES
10. Replace Darth's lightsaber with a flashlight
9. Switch Vader's oxygen supply with helium, first one to laugh, dies
8. Blame the new admiral for making the mistake that cost you the battle
7. Tell the tall guy "yeah, the blasted doors don't open all the way"
6. Rewire hangar speaker system so it plays LaCucaracha when the Emperor arrives
5. Tell the new guy that Darth appreciates constructive criticism
4. Convince rookie pilots that TIE Fighters have shields
3. Switching uniforms and seeing if the commander can tell the difference
2. Sneak up on daydreaming guards and breathe through a can
1. Stick "I got your Force right HERE" signs on Executor bridge crew's backs
LUKE'S TOP 10 PICKUP LINES
10. Are you sure you're not my sister?
9. Did I mention I killed my dad?
8. So, wanna ignite my lightsaber?
7. Once you've gone Jedi, you'll never go back!
6. I must be allowed to speak... You want me... I am the man you're looking for...
5. My bionic hand comes with special accessories...
4. Yeah, I know Han Solo...
3. I've got this nice quiet place on Tatooine... don't mind the skeletons in the front yard.
2. So... seen my new action figure? I've got four, you know... and a 12 incher!
1. I blew up the first Death Star. What about the other one? Uhhh, yeah... I blew that one up too!
TOP 10 NON-STANDARD ADDITIONS TO THE MILLENIUM FALCON
10. Zero-G Hot Tub
9. Flowbee vacuum hair cutting system for Chewie
8. Emergency backup systems hooked up to a Clapper
7. Chia herb garden in the galley
6. Hidden compartments for smuggling friends into the Drive-In on Ord Mantell
5. Fake guns so the kids can feel like they're helping out during space battles
4. In-dash Hibachi hidden under the navicomputer
3. "Fly Casual" switch for autopilot
2. Bike rack
1. Bumper Sticker- My twins were students of the week at Skywalker Jedi Academy
The First Partial List of Kenner Star Wars Prototypes Which Failed Miserably
1) "Luke in Bacta Tank" A favorite scene from "Empire" recreated in miniature, complete with a removable diaper for Luke. Unfortunately, it was found that the glowing bacta wash posed a radioactive health hazard for kids.
2) "Missile Hand Luke" Luke doll with a special lever on his back which causes his artificial hand to shoot off at 25 mph. Manufacturers recalled it when hands started finding their way into eyeballs, windpipes, and other orifices.
3) "Exploding Death Star" Potential radiation burn/shrapnel hazard, which did not keep kids from recreating the scene with their own "normal" Death Star.
4) "Black Princess Leia" Promoted as competition for Mattel's popular "Black Disco Barbie"; did not find expected level of popularity.
5) "Incredible Shavable Han Solo" Sprouted real hair; failed miserably when tested on real kids.
6) "Dissect An Ewok Kit" The deal was off when Play-doh pulled out at the last minute.
7) "Nit-laden Chewbacca" Concept behind this was that kids would enjoy picking nits off of a large, furry Chewbacca. Didn't do well, since it came with real nits which quickly spread to other parts of the house.
8) The Ugnaught figures made from Genetically altered mice. PETA sank that one real quick.
9) Emperor Palpatine Doll/Tesla Coil. Hey kids, real lightning! Kill your enemies! Nixed due to obvious danger of children accidentally running up huge power bills.
10) Full scale working Death Star Kit. Kenner built one fully working model, but it was destroyed. They were halfway finished with their second when it too was destroyed. Plans were scrapped to build any more.
11) Darth Vader Funeral Pyre. They couldn't figure out how to make a character who had been 4 inches tall and thin into a character 2.5 inches tall and fat as a slug once you removed his helmet. Also a problem with the fact that it only worked once.
12) Aunt Beru doll. Nixed as just plain stupid. A huge loss to those fans of Bok Choi and blue Kool-aid out there.
13) "Real-Guts" Tauntaun. Also referred to as "The Visible Tauntaun." Once you pulled off the skin, you could see all the internal organs. Much like real Tauntauns, it stank to high heaven. Other problem: Like similar toy "The Visible Man," Visible Tauntaun's organs never went back in right and you were always left with an extra organ or two.
14) "Learn the Force At Home" Kit. Included self-hypnosis training tapes and rocks to lift. Recalled after thousands of children with no strong parental figure turned to the dark side, killing their parents and saying things like "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and you did not make me the type of sandwich that I like!" while strangling them from across the room.
15) "Fun Thermal Detenator." Seen in the exciting throneroom scene in TrofTJ where a disguised Leia holds it up to bluff out Jabba the Hutt. Problem was, the kids didn't understand the concept of a fusion grenade and would often actually detonate it while trying to bluff their parents into extending their bedtime.
16) "Mr. Hutt-Head." A Mr. Potato(e?) Head ripoff which had a Jabba body and a series of switchable heads with the faces of famous fat people. See Rush The Hutt, Willard The Hutt, John Candy The Hutt, etc. Nixed when famous fat people got angry at being identified with Pizza Hutt. (they just didn't get it)
17) Pimp Lando Figure. Lando as a loc-ed out pimp daddy. Long brown leather coat, straight razor, huge afro, gold tooth, etc. Actually molded, packaged, and ready to be shipped when the makers of the Shaft figures sued for copyright infringement.
18) Dead Admiral Doll. Well, Vader killed so many Admirals in the three movies that Kenner figured that there should be a doll. Problem was, he couldn't be posed and would always fall over in a heap. Kids decided they could fake it with a normal Admiral doll and chose not to purchase this no-spined rubbery thing.
19) Roller Disco Cloud City Worker. Roller Disco went out of fashion, so the skates were cut off and the hair removed, and thus the figure was converted to Lando's Pal Lobot with the weird headphones.
20) Voices of the Dead Driving Headset. The voice of Ben Kenobi helps You drive around town. "Watch out for the brown van, Luke!" "The light is about to turn green, Luke!" Actually a great help for drivers, but failed on the market due to the fact that not very many people are named Luke, and no one likes a back seat driver.
21) Talking Stormtroopers. Pull a string on their chest and they would say things like "There's one, set for stun!" or "Look Sir, Droids!" During production the voiceboxes got switched with talking Barbie. The stormtroopers ended up saying things like: "Gosh, math is so hard!" and "Let's Go Shopping!" while Barbie barked out "What do you mean, radiation leak?"
22) Speaking of Radiation Leaks, the best toy of all: The Death Star Detention center. Eventually it was toned down to two lame rooms in the 4-story death star playset, but it was originally conceived of as a set all to itself, with rooms such as "bullshit communications center" where you try to talk your way out of tight fixes with such lies as "oh, weapons misfire." The hallway of harmless light: fifty stormtroopers pump bolts of laser fire down the hall where you and your four friends have no harm done to you, even though you have no cover to speak of. The best part about the detention center was that it included some cool dolls: "torture/interrogation droid," "giggling Moff Tarkin doll," and "flayed flesh Leia," not to mention "stupid gullible guard" doll. Eventually stopped by Kenner brass who noticed that playtesting kids were getting a little too into the torture room. Fearful of breeding a generation of Salvadorean Death Squads, they pulled the plug on this toy.
Here it is....The STAR WARS MACARENA
(To be sung to the tune of "Macarena")
Obi-Wan Kenobi, he get by on Jedi pension!
He now suffer from arthritis, constipation not to mention!
Try to use El Force-o, brain all dried up like adobe!
HEY, BEN KENOBI!
Wookie El Chewbacca show off hairy bigfoot torso!
He member of El Hair Club- La Rogaine he now endorso!
Han Solo, he comprende Wookie lingo mucho screwy!
HEY, SENOR CHEWY!
Flyboy is Han Solo, hot to jump on Princess Leia!
But Leia, she play hardball, never give him time of day-a!
Han no give a damn- soon Indy Jones his primo role-o!
HEY, FLYBOY SOLO!
Bimbo Princess Leia she play hard to get, by golly!
When she strip down to her skivvies she one very hot tamale!
Mucho kicks she gets when men they bow down and obey-a!
HEY, PRINCESS LEIA!
Dark Side turn Darth Vader into deep-space Dr. Death-o!
He turn off Rebels plenty with his weezy morning breath-o!
Whole planets he wipe out- no one to stop him like Ralph Nader!
HEY, EL LORD VADER!
Jedi maestro Yoda he no bigger than a taco!
Come across like drop-out Muppet- ears he steal from Mr. Spock-o!
Lives on distant planet- no one sure of his zip code-a!
HEY, MAESTRO YODA!
Jabba fat like Limbaugh- grande glutton roly-poly!
He pig out on compadres- make them instant guacamole!
Soon el groundo shake-o with el belcho furioso!
HEY, JABBA GROSSO!
Luke-o all shook up when learn Darth Vader is his padre!
Find out Leia she his sister- hope that Jabba not his madre!
Mucho stupefied like gringo bombed out on Sambucco!
HEY, SENOR LUKE-O!
Gabby droid See-Threepio he big pain in el but-to!
All the time he fuss and worry- his big mouth he never shut-o!
Other droids they think a closet gay he just might be-o!
HEY, SEE-THREEPIO!
Robot Artoo-Deetoo he computer mucho grande!
So smart that even Windows 95 he understande!
Glad to show you cyber-porn once price you both agree to!
HEY, ARTOO-DEETOO!
Viva Star Wars movies and el megabucks they gross-o!
Viva merchandising! Viva profits tremendoso!
Viva dolls and comic books and T-shirts we supplying!
HEY, KEEP ON BUYING!!!!!
DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER" (5/13/99)
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to life his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
REJECTED EPISODE I TITLES
10. "Eat Our Dust, You Trekkie Bastards"
9. "Wookie Nights"
8. "How Yoda Got His Groove Back"
7. "Kenneth Starr Wars"
6. "The Search For Mark Hamill"
5. "Just An Attempt To Make More Money Than Titanic"
4. "Harrison Ford Is Not In This One"
3. "I Know What You Did a Long Time Ago In a Galaxy Far, Far Away"
2. "EWOKZ"
1. "Star Wars: Episode--Ahh, Forget It, Just Send Your Money Directly To George Lucas"
TEN THINGS DUMB GUYS SAY ABOUT THE PHANTOM MENACE MOVIE
10. Hey! Where's Luke?
9. I hear Captain Spock actually takes his mask off in this one.
8. Episode 1? But what about A New Hope???
7. You know in the first three that the lightsabers were fake? Well in this one they're real!
6. I wonder if Harrison Ford will be in it.
5. I'll wait for the video.
4. Dude, didn't Darth Vader die in the last one?
3. The effects are so cheezy!
2. What's this "Anakin" kid got to do with anything?
1. Anakin Skywalker? Is that Darth dude his father too?
TOP TEN JAWA PICKUP LINES
10. I'm sorry to bother you, but my whole family just got slaughtered in their sandcrawler, and I just don't want to be alone...
9. You know, my eyes aren't the only body part that glows...
8. You want me. I can smell it.
7. Your paws must be tired because you've been runnin' through my head all day!
6. So I'm not tall dark and handsome but, I'm short, dark, and smelly, and 1 outta 3 ain't bad!
5. The size doesn’t matter, right?
4. Say, um... are you female?
3. Aieeeah! Your eyes glow like the twin suns!
2. I love what you've done with that potato sack, it really brings out your eyes....
1. I may not look like much, but I've got it where it counts!
TOP TEN THINGS R2-D2 REALLY SAYS
10. "I can't really breath in here!!!"
9. "C-3PO........ I've always loved you."
8. "Eee-gad! Someone's just installed MS Windows in my memory! Get it out! Get it--oh look! A little bunny rabbit. I will call him George and love him and hug him and . . ."
7. "Does this robotic suit make me look fat?"
6. "I'm not the droid your looking for"
5. "Danger! Danger!!!!!!! Will Robinson!"
4. "Hey, if you're such a great Jedi Knight, how come I gotta *roll* everywhere I wanna go?"
3. "Seriously George, I WILL be getting more than scale for this, right? George?"
2. "Get this overgrown "Oscar" away from me!"
1. "What do you mean, you don't ever remember owning a droid?!"
BETTER TITLES FOR THE PHANTOM MENACE
Star Wars I: "Star Trek, the Next Generation" kisses our Jedi [shiny hinies - eds.].
Just Hand Over the Wallet, and Nobody Gets Hurt
Springtime for Vader
Episode I: Mr. Lucas Wants A Bigger Boat
Obi Wan, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan, Obi Wan.
Your turn, Steven.
The Toys-R-Us Christmas '99 Catalog
Boba Fett's Not In It So Don't Even Ask, Fanboy
Titanic *THIS*, Jim Cameron!
Star Wars I (Harrison Ford Not Included)
Star Wars: Yoda Man! No, Yoda Man!
There's Something About Money
Come To Papa, You Geeks