© 1997 lisa513@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question.
3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? v5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
13. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
19. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
23. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
24. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
25. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
26. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
27. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
28. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
29. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
30. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
31. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
32. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
33. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
34. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
35. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
36. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
38. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
39. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
From a contest in which Baby Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how
much harder it was in the old days:
In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day, we didn't have hand held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one," "twain" and "multitudes." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy healthfood restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you "you was part of a posse." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80 year old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ... (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
1.) 1000 Years of German Humor
2.) The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
3.) Italian War Heroes
4.) Egyptian Battle Tactics
5.) The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
(Canadian edition) (U.S.edition)
6.) The Vatican List of Celibate Priests
7.) Americans' Guide to Etiquette
8.) The World Guide to Good American Beer
9.) Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
10.) Safe Places to Travel in the USA
11.) Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
12.) Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
13.) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
14.) Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
15.) Countries Competing In The World Series
16.) The Englishman's Guide to the Secrets of Romance
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".
Contributed by Mads
1.Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
>3.Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw"
5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
>6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart"
9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"
11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12.Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13.Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
14.New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
15.Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17.Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18.Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
19.Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20.Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21.Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
22.Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Contributed by Mads, Queen of All Jokes:)
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by the boys shaking little voice: "The big sissy."
© 1997 lisa513@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page