© 1997 lisa513@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
(A First Grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, then had the children complete the phrase. Here are some of the better answers.)
"As you shall make your bed so shall you..." Mess it up.
"Better to be safe than..." Punch a 5th grader.
"Strike while the..." Bug is close.
"It's always darkest before..." Daylight savings time.
"You can lead a horse to water but..." How?
"Don't bite the hand that..." Looks dirty.
"A miss is as good as a..." Mister.
"You can't teach an old dog new..." Math.
"If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..." Stink in the morning.
"The pen is mightier than the..." Pigs.
"A penny saved is..." Not much.
"Two's company..." Three's the musketeers.
"Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and..." You have to blow your nose.
"Children should be seen and not..." Spanked or grounded.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let people know they're there.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, like when people forget to put the top on.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch.
Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on in and then press it.
If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, press Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights, press O-J.
To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press E-T-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.
To speak to an operator, press o.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly
1.) You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
2.) You have been online for 92 minutes. Do you still want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
3.) You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.
4.) You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
5.) Ok, this is getting ridiculous. You have been online for 240 minutes. Frankly, you are starting to piss us off. If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, ok?
6.) You have now been online for 360 minutes. We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
7.) You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names?
8.) You have been online for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
9.) You have been online for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming over to your house to personally to kick your ass.
10.) You have been online 852 minutes. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY HOURS THAT IS? (I'm sure we could figure it out if we had to...)
11.) You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? This is because of YOU, you loser! Now log off and go to bed!!
12.) You have been online for 1000 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take it literally, Now hang up before we go broke!!!!
13.) You have been on since yesterday. OK, If you don't get off, we're coming to your house and pulling the dang phone out of the wall.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and we know what you want; just stay on the line so we can trace this call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press because no one will answer.
If this is an emergency, and you require the care and guidance of a highly skilled, trained professional, you are out of luck, because they were all cut back or forced out. However, if you are willing to hold, one of our crossed-dressed, multi-skilled, team-pod employees will be only happy to serve you as best they can after he or she gets finished scrubbing the toilet.
10. Drink molasses til you heave
9. Wet bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk kegler
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns"
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
3. Sleep til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt
1. Churn butter naked
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number One Oxymoron....
1. Microsoft Works
I have a spell checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
Its very polished in its own weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
A cheek or is a blessing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime
Now spilling does not phase me
It does knot bring a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud
So ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want to please
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves be above average drivers.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
Contributed by Gizmo
2. You get a tattoo that reads, "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to whistle to communicate with the modem.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com"
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your pet has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother, because she doesn't have a modem.
16. Someone tells you a joke and remember the URL of the page where you first saw it on www.funnytown.com.
17. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
18. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
19. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen-names and you never bothered to ask.
20. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
21. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
22. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
23. You get angry at snail-mail junk mail because you have to "download" it from your mailbox and then "upload" it to the garbage can
Contributed by Mel
Deep Young Thoughts
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
© 1997 lisa513@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page