He was the son of my mother's oldest sister.
Like many, his childhood was lonely.
He married and adopted two children.
He valued family
and spoke many times to me of
the importance of your family.
Had a great job for 25 years.
I thought he had it all.
He was 15 years older then I
and I admired him.
But there was a storm brewing
under his confidence.
He had addictions and depression.
and when his company went under,
he found himself spiraling downward.
In the end, no one could help him.
He drove off into the sunrise,
never to be seen alive again.
HE had told me he was going to be okay.
No one knew he meant in another life.
My favorite memories of him are
even though we were far away,
He took the time to e-mail me often
and sent me information on relatives.
When my own father wouldn't see me,
He became angry and wanted to
"go over there and give him a talking to-"
No one ever offered to defend me like that.
but that is how important family was to him.
Even though I am told no one knew of his intent.
I still wonder if i should have done something.
should have known of his pain.
After all, he knew of mine.
I have my regrets and guilt also.
But in the end it all adds up to...
addictions, depression and childhood traumas.
I make this page in the hopes that
someone, somewhere will realize,
it does matter if you are alive!
If not to you, then to your kids.
seek professionally help-
so that you can see the world would be
a better place if you were in it.
your REAL self!
Addicitons are only ways
to forget pain in your heart.
I know it is easy to hide in it.
But if you really want to do
something for your family,
don't leave them with the feeling of desertion,
Go help yourself and them,
by seeking therapy and getting your self back.
If you are by yourself,
there really IS a life out there for you,
all ;you have ot do is reach out,
and take a hand of a Therapist.
Your way out of depair
is through your heart and soul.
All alone, I wonder and cry.
Was the world too much for you to bear?
Did you think that we didn't love you or care?
Were you feeling all alone
With nothing you could call your own?
Are you here in this room with me now?
My angel of mercy, please show me how
To understand why you are gone.
Explain to me now why you couldn't live on.
Were you scared of life? Could you not see
How much your friendship meant to me?
About things over which no control you had?
Was it even hard for you to choose,
Or did you feel like you had nothing to lose?
Were you afraid of what laid ahead? Did you really believe you'd be better off dead? Where did you go? Did you just flee? Are you now where your heart can truly be free? I hope that the music is blasting up there
Soothing you with the sounds of your beloved, Silverchair
Or maybe the songs of Third Eye Blind.
Was "How's It Gonna Be" running through your mind?
Were you "Only pretty sure that you can't take anymore"?
Was there nothing left her for you to fight for?
Can you see me from heaven? Do you like where you are?
Please know in your heart that my love is not far...
Someday we will be together, my friend,
When my days on this earth will come to an end.
But for now, I know what I must do.
From this day on, I LIVE MY LIFE for you...
To Ferris ~BLS 10/23/99
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