The following is a letter from the mother
of the baby from the story of the folowing page
Chad is 10 today. So is his sister, Chelsey.
As I watch her run and play,
her waist-long red hair flying behind her
I still see in my minds eye
the strong red-headed boy running alongside her.
For 10 years I have watched him play
and grow in my mind, as well as watching her.
I cannot hug or kiss him, I cannot put my arms
around him or kiss away a tear.
But I know he feels my love as well as Chelsey does-
I can feel his.
The bottom world I lived in after he died was indescribable.
If you've ever been there you know already.
I didn't think I would ever make it back
to a world of laughter and sunshine.
But I did- friends who wouldn't let me die inside—
children who loved me with a passion--
finally got an ember glowing.
And that ember finally began to burn- --
into life again.
Not life as I had known it-
a different life-a different me.
But alive- for my children, for my friends-
and finally, for me.
The only time I was not crying for Chad
was when I held Chelsey.--I needed answers.
I needed a "why?'. If I could only find a reason,
maybe I could deal with this.
I had yet to learn that if I ever got the why"s,
there was still only one answer:
Gods will for my life and Chads.
I did get some answers: I had been in a car accident
3 weeks before Chad and Chelsy"s birth.
The acccident had torn two of the vessels that attach
the umbilical cord to the uterus.
If Chad had survived,he would never have known us.
I knew I had to go on for the 5 children I had.
It wouldnt have been fair to them
to "lose" the mother they had.
What I didn"t realize was that altho
I was taking care of them ,cooking, cleaning,
I was only going through the motions.
They didn't have their mother.
My friends were their every moment with encouragement
and support- love I couldn't see yet.
The night I had the dream of the baby in the cave
(Bonnie-AKA Angelseekr's story) was the turning point in my life.
In my dream I carried the baby into a field filled with
green grass and flowers, blue skies and sunshine.
I knew in my dream that this was a piece of Heaven.
As the child ran and played and laughed,
I knew that God was allowing me
to see my son in Heaven- to let me really know
he was happy and o.k.
Maybe He knew I needed to know that to heal,
to begin to live again.
In my dream , as I lifted my son and held him,
the light around me became brighter.
I knew it was time for me to give my son to God-
he had let me have a few precious moments to carry me
the rest of my life-and now it was time.
The light became so bright I couldn' t see-
I had to close my eyes.
When I opened them, I was still in the field,
but the child was gone.
I was crying-and I saw a hand reach down from the sky.
I will know that hand for the rest o fmy life,
and I will know it when I see it again.
I reached up and grasped the hand,
and I woke up sitting up in my bed.
Tears were streaming down my cheeks,
but I felt a peace inside.
I knew I was going to survive.
It wasn't easy- it still isn't.
Milestones are the hardest--a first birthday,
kindergarten graduation. a tenth birthday.
I dread high school graduation.
The pain doesn't go away, but it becomes manageable.
I took a look at my life, and began to realize
what I was supposed to learn.
Instead of focusing on the loss of one blessing,
I was to realize the blessings that I had-
4 beautiful children, two of whom should not have survived.
Always there, always letting me know every way they could,
that they loved me and always would.
A sister that was my twin soul.
Friends that would be there when I needed them,
asking nothing of me but to stay there for them,
to not let my soul die.
A friend finally broke through my sorrow one day,
telling me that the Lord must really love me.
When I asked why, she said, "He let you give him an angel".
Those words, I believe, opened up the door in me
that would lead to the dream, and to the healing.
Thank-you, Bonnie.
My baby is still here.
I just can't see him. but he is here –
I try to let my friends know
how much they mean to me.
I will never take for granted
the love we have in our lives.
And I want people to know now,
while I can tell them, face to face.
Some of my friends have gone onto different lives.
I'm in touch with almost all of them.
Others I know I'll see again.
But the closest ones are still there...
no matter what I said or did, they are still there.
Bonnie, I wrote this for you.
I was always putting it off and then
I realized how much it meant to you.
You were always there when I needed you,
and I know you will always be there.
Fred, you've supported Bonnie in all the ways
she needed to support me.
You've always been there for me too,
even when you didn't really know me.
Most of all, you've always treated Bonnie
as the most precious thing in your life,
and let everyone know she was.
And that always supported me too.
You've kept my faith in love alive, watching you two.
Allie and Russ, you've always been there
as much as you could be there for me.
to my friend Cathy
you were there when the babies were born
it haunted your dreams and you couldn't bear
to see me or chelsey after that
we stayed in touch by phone now we have lost touch
I pray you are ok, wherever you are
and that we will find our way to each other again
Kelly Kat, thankyou for all
your love and support,and acceptance--mom
We're not done yet --
we all have roads to walk and share together.
Thank you , guys.
I LOVE YOU--
AND CHAD- I LOVE YOU!
