Pick up lines Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
34. "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 minutes."
35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
36. "This boy is so confused that he gets tangled up in cordless phone." --
Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail.
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows. The verbiage can be altered to fit both men and women....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 question about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ My breasts are bigger than yours.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative Bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)
President Clinton’s Deposition
by Dr. Seuss
Starr-I-Are.
I’m here to ask,
As you’ll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public’s easy
To distract
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
Contributed by Bill Lewis
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A
tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards
away.When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they’re in the
land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where’s Dorothy?"
Contributed by Bill Lewis
CEO Seeks Intern
World’s most powerful man (really), seeks a young lady to join his harem. I am 40 ish, 5’11",
180 lbs, gray / green, non smoker (except once but I didn’t inhale) Looking for a bikini babe
21-25 who is well versed in taking DIC-tation.. Must hold up well under pressure and be able to
deny everything. If you enjoy "quickies" in the back room and are not a Rush Limbaugh fan
please call ROM#6969
It must be true, It's in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was
discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found
there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible
mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for
it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a
passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Oh God, ya have to read this!! (Sent to me by Mavrick,,thanks Mav)
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you
just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day
out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a
phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please
speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a
jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and
I'd
yell,
"You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the
jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard
his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales
office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if
you're
familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed
the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's
because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show
you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
On another day, This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to
very
slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this
black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong
direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of
jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in
the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted
for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,
"You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now
since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro
lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and
said,"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now
when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a
solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad
cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree
to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may
not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute
an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let
others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell
them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The
oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients
of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner,
and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will
calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your
specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter <
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments,
most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the
tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade
your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't
want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use,
but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Company Policy
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental
areas, we
are forced do cut down our numbers of personnel...........Under
the
plan,
older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus
permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the
fiscal
year, via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. the
program
will be known as RAPE (retire aged personnel early)
Employees who are raped will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs
outside our company. They can request a review of their
employment
records
before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation
is
called
SCREW (survey of capabilities of retired early workers).
All employees who have been raped or screwed may file an appeal
with
upper
management. This will be called SHAFT (study by higher authority
following
termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may
be
raped
once, screwed twice, but may be shafted as many times as the
company
deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
entitled to
get HERPES (half earnings for retired personnel's early
severance).
As
herpes is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has
received
herpes
will no longer be raped or screwed by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board
that
the company will continue it's policy to insure that employees
are
well
trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The company takes pride in the amount of shit that our employees
receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this
area. If
any
employee feels he or she does not receive enough on the job, see
your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to
make
sure
that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
THE MANAGEMENT
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California. With gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latté, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing
a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping
speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the
accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with
mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas
female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful
eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back
and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not
to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and
who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left
blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as
"no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?)
Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone
in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right
turn: New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven
through this lovely state can attest)
Super Bowl Sunday
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his
company.
Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the
Goodyear Blimp
than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees
through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and
around
the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right
mind
would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl
we
haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find
anyone
to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
********************
One Liners
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
(Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.)
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting
up with her shit.
(Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
(Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
(Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.)
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.)
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.)
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.)
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
(Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.)
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
(Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.)
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
(Revolution Books. New York, New York.)
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
(Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.)
Nicky: A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the
dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the
garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block.
I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok,
you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes
later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block
and
there's another dog pushing her home..."
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