The day I found out about you,
I tried to ignore you, pretending you didn't exist.
Secretly hoping one day you'd disappear.
I was afraid of how you would change my life,
A life I was so accustomed to.
I wasn't ready for this, not financially nor personally.

And then, it happened.
I heard you, I saw you.
Your tiny little heart beating inside of me.  Your tiny little buds of hands and feet, Your tiny little mouth.
All of this,  was growing inside of me.
I cried to myself, wondering how I could ignore this.

HOW COULD I IGNORE YOU?

As the months went by, I started feeling you.
Kicking and punching me every chance you'd get.
There's nothing more amazing than that.
I fell in love with you..
But it  wasn't enough.

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THE THINGS I DO?

Is it because I'm an addict?
I fuckin’ drank myself to oblivion how many times?
I even smoked myself to oblivion, in fact, I'm doing it now.  These past 2 months have been so traumatic on you, I only wonder how healthy you are.

AM I AFRAID OF HAVING TO RAISE YOU ALONE?

Afraid of how I’ll finish college and work and still find time for you?
Yes... I am afraid.
He wanted you, not me.
And now we're not with him, at least full time.
He promises to take care of us, but has he so far?

WHAT AM I SAYING?

He's a loving man, with a big heart.
He loves us more than anything.
Maybe once your born, I can love you the way you deserve.

But I don’t deserve you, not after what I have done.
Maybe once I hold you, I can begin to care.
But will you care for me after what I have done?
Maybe once I look into your beautiful eyes, I can cherish you.

BUT WILL YOU CHERISH ME?

All these questions remain unanswered.
 Maybe I need to feel unconditional love before I can give it to another.
Sweet Child, I promise to give you all I have inside of me.
I just hope you can forgive me for what I’ve done.

Dear God,
please let him come out of this healthy and strong,
just like his father.