Once upon a time there was this very fashionable, well-to-do fine young cannibal... that wasn't really all that thrilled with the idea of eating all these humans that continued to move in, but never moved out so he... traveled to the ancient but unwise man of the mountains, to ask for... advice on how to convince his mom to shut down the Hotel California. He climbed the mountain and seated on top of a mountainous thrankleberry *winks at changeling* was the wise old man. "Man of the mountains," the young cannibal said," I need your help... to stalk Don Henley, the owner of this hotel, and convince him to write happy songs that people don't have a problem with, because he's done it before and we have faith in him." So the unwise man of the mountains, being the unwise man of the mountains that he was... advised the cannibal to hire that lovely Tom Cruise (the one from mission impossible, not top gun) to give him some supplies and everything else he needed to... so the fine young cannibal picked up his sidekick, Tom Cruise, who was conveniently rock climbing nearby, and the two flew quickly to England, to consult Q about all the cool spy supplies they would need to... infiltrate the deadly haven for overnight travellers. They got lots of really cool weapons off the set of MIB, including the noisy cricket. And while they were there "borrowing" stuff, the MAN himself, Tommy Lee Jones found them. He was so disgusted by the whole cannibalistic operation that he joined them as their fearless leader. His plan was to... shoot first, and ask questions later. The all agreed on this plan, and on the way picked up Columbo, who isn't very macho and stuff, but has a cool voice and is very smart. So the four of them drove to California in a VW microbus with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction... Their VW bus broke down (what a shocker) and they had to hitchhike....but they were on this road where there was no one. Suddenly, Tommy realized they were next to the meteor crater in Rozwell NM (sp?) and the aliens from the planet X were coming back for a visit, so they waited and waited and waited, but unfortunately for all involved, the VW spacebus also broke down, and the Planet Xians could not join in the fun, so our bored and lonely heros decided to... go back to their mission to save the poor unsuspecting souls in California, which is actually where they started, but Columbo (why did they bring him along?) took a wrong turn so they ended up in NM. Anyway, Tommy Lee drove back to California and they got to the deadly hotel. It looked deserted as usual, but the fearless TLJ led them up the front steps. They opened the door and saw a HORRIBLE sight... shameless things everywhere, so they started blasting away and didn't use their steely knives, because they had done their homework. Afterwards, when the place lay in ruins, with body parts and Mercedes Benz pieces everywhere... Tommie (Cruise, not different spelling) emerged from the rubble, with the midget cricket in hand and began pulling his, dazed, if not confused, comrades out of the mess. He turned to his left to see that Tommy was doing the same, cept... they saw that it wasn't the real Tommy Lee, but a fake Tommy Lee from the Planet X! The hapless heroes decided to... IMMEDIATELY abandon the plan to save the stupid innocent humans and SAVE their fearless leader TOMMY LEE JONES!!! They quickly build a spaceship out of the ruins of the Hotel California and set a course for the Planet X... and this time, they didn't let Columbo drive, and stuck him on the wing, cuz his cigars stank. Tom Cruise was the pilot, seeing how he liked to fly AND was a NASCAR driver, so they made it there in record time... of course, they had to refuel, so they stopped on planet, "I Don't Wanna" and loaded up their little aircraft with subterranean mountainous thrankleberries *G* and they were off once more... to the Planet X, which happened to be slightly less fearful than the Planet Y, so our heros calmly landed at Emporer Ming's Palace and immediately demanded for TLJ, only to be told that... TLJ had SINGLEHANDEDLY taken over the entire planet and made all the Planet Xians into non-savage aliens. Emporer Ming led Tommie C, the former cannibal and Columbo to the dining hall (which has vastly superior food to that of the University of Richmond) and there was TLJ at the HEAD of the table... dressed in a Flash Gordon costume, and wondering where Dale was anyway, and why she liked that boring Dr. Zarkov better. So they all sat down, had a dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning, when they all... realized that a certain muchly annoying and evil faery had painted all their faces with a blue paint, which wouldnt come off, so they scrubbed and scrubbed but when they realized it didnt come off, they packed up their stuff and went to find a better place to stay, not knowing the evil faery was coming ith them, packed in Tommy's case... so our fearless heros started out to the planet Xanadu, home of a thousand forbidden delights for a much needed week of R & R, only the evil faery had evil plans, and so the evil faery stole the map, and our heros got lost, and refused to ask for directions and they ended up at... Tommy Lee's ranch in Texas! He was so glad to be home and away from the mobs of alien fans on Planet X that he gave everyone, the evil faery included, free polo lessons! He, of course, won, but they all had a great time! The next item on the agenda was... a rousing game of Scrabble. The fine young cannibal sang for entertainment, and everyone was happy and joyous, even when the doorbell rang, and it was... Buffy the Vampire Slayer (its on tonight...8:00 pm ctrl time *G*) and she was there to slay all the evil, mortal eating cannibals, but since there were seemingly none, she joined the scrabble game. They finished the game and were about to being another when... the door bell rang again! This time it was... the one-armed man! At last! Wielding a two-handed sword, the one-armed man angrily demanded that... TLJ use his superior fugitive-hunting powers to catch the evil Dr. Richard Kimble. Unluckily for Freddie Sykes, TLJ and the good doctor had become wonderful friends. As Freddie was wielding, Richard emerged from the pool and scared the daylights out of Freddie, who dropped both his hands... which was unfortunate, because apparently this is sweeps week for the networks, so all the big name stars are in one storyline, but Aquaman made a cameo appearance and tossed Freddie's arm onto the bank... where Bela Lugosi (gotta luv the Vamp) snatched them up and proceeded to smuggle them into the next dimension, but our on female hero, Buffy, slayed that ever famous vamp (sniff) and snatched up the arms herself, getting ready to burn them, ya gotta do that you know, ask any vamp hunter... Buffy, having burned the arms to a crispy tender, smuggled herself to the next dimension, to find our fearless but mysteriously missing heros... who had seemingly vaporized when Freddie was torn limb from limb. She searched and searched, but could not find them. Finally, she saw the bodies of Tommie C, Columbo, Dr. Kimble, and the former cannibal floating in a beautiful crystal-clear pool. TLJ was sitting on the bank, with his head in his hands, muttering to himself... because the big gun had gone off and killed everybody. Luckily it was only in that dimension, but Buffy and TLJ decided to stay in this dimension for a while, which as it happened was the dimension of Jello. So they set out to explore... the bumpy, jiggly, terrain. As they passed a whipped cream mountain, (with wonderful mountainous thrankleberries) and caught sight of a snootyshoober... a truly wondrous sight, as the snootyshoober is the rarest creature in the universe, and can only eat the most delicate red-jello fruit, and they watched in amazement as the snootyshoober... snarfed down fifty gallons of his precious red stuff, but somehow managed to look elegant. They were awestruck, and disgusted at the same time. Everyone knows that green Jell-O is the best kind! So they gave up on the rare creature and set out to find some more choice Jell-O and they bumped into... their respective mothers, who told them that it was time to come home because their families missed them. So Buffy and TLJ snapped a bunch of photos of the Jello dimension, then leaped through a portal and into their beds, whenere they slept happily ever after.

THE END