Once upon a time, there was this Finnish narcoleptic who was addicted to the Home Shopping Network... She watched the HSN every "waking" moment and every time she would call to order something, she would say, "Ya, I would like... zzzzz..." This was a problem for the operators at the HSN, so they decided to... get caller ID. The operators began scanning their calls. The lady became very depressed when she found out what was happening and went to the doctor who said... "Hi, my name is Tommy Lee Jones. But you can call me Tommy, k dear? Now I'd like to discuss your problems with you." But all he could get out of her at this time was Finnish profanities, and she was very worried too about not having the money needed to pay the good doctor as she had spent $69.33 on... an end table shaped like Elvis. (the fat one). So, he agreed to help her out of the kindness of his heart, or community service for past crimes, we're not too sure which. So, the next day, she didn't show up at her regularly scheduled time because... she had fallen asleep, again. So Tommy, being the good sweet doctor that he is (or was playing at the time), paid a visit to her house, but on the way he happened upon a shocking scene... that was slowing down traffic horribly. It was a large Ronald McDonald balloon in the middle of the street. "How did it get there?" he thought to himself. Just then... a sexy long-legged female walked up to his car and pulled out a colt 87. She put the gun to his head and said, "I am the mortal enemy of all Finns. Take me to her so I can finish her off once and for all." TLJ... laughed at her because there IS no such thing as a Colt 87, and if there was, it would shoot something roughly the size of a basketball, which he could easily avoid. But, rater than embarass her with this news, he then decided to embarass her by knocking her out cold with a large Ronald McDonald balloon, which he then proceeded to do, to the delight of all the onlookers and rioteers and... marching band members. He then confiscated the weapon, which was actually a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity, and made a mental note to show it to his partner J later. But our fearless doctor was dismayed at this unforseen delay. He proceeded to the narcoleptic's house posthaste. When he got there... he found his patient asleep with the Home Shopping Network on the TV. He went to wake her and and give her the Ronald McDonald balloon he saved only to find... her Fat Elvis Coffee table had a message engraved in it with a knife. It said, "TLJ, leave this woman to fend for herself. You don't want to get involved in matters of which you don't know the danger. My twin sister and I have only begun to start trouble." It was a REALLY fat Elvis table, by the way. TLJ saw this and he said... "Man, that is a fat Elvis table." Naturally, he wasn't too worried about the message, because a woman who is knocked out by a helium balloon and her twin sister really don't sound like much of a threat. So, he picked up Alice (there, that's a name for you) and carried her back to her restaurant, which apparently she owned, but never worked at, being that she was always asleep or buying tables shaped like overweight rock stars, and they had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning, when... there was a loud banging on the door. TLJ woke up (Did you really think that Alice would?) and picked up his Glock before peering out the peephole (yes, they have those in restaurants!). To his surprise, he saw two identical long-legged women, except one had a massive shiner. He muttered to himself about women in business (obscure movie reference) and went to wake up Alice... who jumped up in a fright. "what time is it?" she asked. "I'm expecting my twin sisters to pay me a visit at ten." TLJ didn't know how to respond to this, "Are your twin sisters plotting against you?" he asked Alice. In the shock of the question she... fell asleep. TLJ tried and tried to wake her, even singing, "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey," but nothing worked. The twins were about to enter he knew, so he did the only thing he could think of... he barred the door with the fat Elvis table. "Well, I'll be darned! These things DO have a use after all!" Meanwhile, while all this was happening, the Ronald McDonald balloon had gotten too close to the stove, and the balloon was expanding rapidly with the heat. There was no escape (or at least none that I could think of, maybe you'll have better luck) so TLJ picked up a crochet hook, three bottle caps and a copy of The Grapes of Wrath, and proceeded to make... an escape plan that would make MacGyver green with envy. Then he remembered that all this was unnecessary since Alice's Restaurant had a back door. So TLJ picked up Alice and carried her out the back door, knowing that the twins were not smart enough to guard the back door. He put Alice in his Ford P.O.S. (see MiB) and drove off to the docks so they could board his pirate ship. When he checked his rearview mirror, however, he noticed a VW microbus following him. He though, "Those nasty twins! I'm going to..." But his thought was inturruped by an awakening Alice. "Where are my sisters? Where am I?" TLJ tried to explain the story to Alice, but everyone knows that she only made it through the first few words, and fell asleep again. TLJ went back to his thought, "Those nasty twins, I'm going to... sleep with someone in the story, and I'd rather it not be them! But this darn girl I'm with doesn't seem capable." After going through the drive-thru at McDonalds for lunch, (while still being chased by the twins) TLJ drove to the doctor's office and jumped out of the car carrying Alice to his hidden secret room. Alice woke up again there and told TLJ... that she was MORE than capable of sleeping with him, being that sleeping is all she's done throughout the whole friggin' story. TLJ tried to explain that that wasn't exactly what he meant, but she conked out again, and this time TLJ left her hidden in the laundry chute (conveniently located in his doctor's office) and went out to do battle with the twins... When he went outside he saw them through the window of the microbus. Bambi was blotting concealer on Tawny's shiner, brought about by the Ronald McDonald balloon in case you didn't remember. When they saw TLJ, they were overcome by his rugged good looks and red sweater vest. They begged him to take them to his pirate ship and whisk them away. TLJ was, of course, disgusted with this idea, so he... decided that since the twins were no more of a threat that he'd begin to cure Alice, and then ask her for her hand in marriage. So he went back into his office and looked in the laundry chute to find Alice wasn't there. TLJ looked everywhere and finally... he ordered a happy meal to get another free balloon, and ordered a fat Elvis Coffee table through the Home Shopping Network since they're so useful, and wrote down in his diary, "Typical day... hope tomorrow's more exciting," and went to bed and took a long nap. Just like Alice was taking a nap in the part of the office he did not check.

THE END