How do you get 12 violas to play in tune? 1)Shoot 11 of them. 2)Shoot all of them. 3)Who the hell wants a dozen violas?!
Why don't violas play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the worst possible insult to a tenor saxaphone? Confusing it with a bass clarinet.
The bass was so bad, even the section noticed.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.
What do you do with a horn player who can't play? Give him two sticks, put him up the back and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that? Take away one stick, put him up the front and call him the conductor.
How was the canon invented? (As in musical canon) Two violas were trying to play the same passage together.
Why are an electric guitar and a vaccuum cleaner similar? When you plug them in they both suck.
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A semitone and about half a measure. (Bar)
What the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to do it and four to comment on how David Samborn would have done it.
Why is a string bass better than a cello? The string bass burns longer.
How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down? Put sheet music in front of him.
What is the difference between a shame and a tradgedy? A shame is a busload of violists going over a cliff. A tradgedy is two empty seats on the bus.
A violist in the symphony orchestra was involved in a car accident and became paralysed from the neck down. Management moved him back a stand/desk.
How do you stop a busload of violists from going over a cliff? You don't.
What is 50 violists buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
What's the definition of a minor 2nd? Two flutes playing in unison.
What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? A drummer.
What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family and burned it down." The violist replies, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist, 1 bad violinist, 1 really bad violinist who became a violist, 1 cellist who hates all violinists
What's a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
How many French Hornists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll take two hours looking for alignment and leaks.
These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it
What do you call a man that can play the alto clarinet, but chooses not to? A gentleman.