Application For Permission To Date My Daughter  

NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a financial statement, job history, lineage, birth certificate, current medical report from your doctor and statements of worthiness from three (3) well known persons of known character and standing.

1. NAME __________________________________

2. DATE OF BIRTH __________________________

3. HEIGHT ____ FT ____ WEIGHT ________ LBS  IQ ____ GPA ____

4. SOCIAL SECURITY # _______________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ____________

5. HOME ADDRESS ________________________________________________

CITY _________________ STATE ____________ ZIP CODE ________________

6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENTS? YES _____ NO _____
IF NO, EXPLAIN, __________________________________________________

7. ARE THEY RELATED? YES ____ NO ____

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? YES ____ NO ____

DO YOU OWN A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES? YES ____ NO ____

DO YOU OWN A WATERBED? YES ____ NO ____

DO YOU SUBSCRIBE TO PLAYBOY? YES ____ NO ____

DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING? YES ____ NO ____

DO YOU HAVE A NOSE RING? YES ____ NO ____

DO YOU HAVE A BELLY BUTTON RING (OR ANY KID OF RING THROUGH ANY OTHER BODY PART)? YES ____ NO ____

(NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF QUESTION #8, DISCONTINUE
APPLICATION
AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.)

9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? (use another sheet of paper for this and the following 3 questions.)
 

10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
 

11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
 

12. Do you know what the word CASTRATION means?
 

13. WHAT CHURCH/WARD DO YOU ATTEND? __________________________
       HOW OFTEN DO YOU ATTEND? ___________________________________

14. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOU FATHER, MOTHER, AND BISHOP?
      FATHER ___________ MOTHER __________ BISHOP ________

15. ANSWER THE FOLLOWING BY FILLING IN THE BLANK:
(NOTE: PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS FREELY; ALL ANSWERS WILL BE KEPT VERY CONFIDENTIAL.  THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE EVER. PROMISE.)

 A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT TO BE WOUNDED
      WOULD BE THE ___________________________________________
 
 B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST BONE I WOULD WANT BROKEN
    WOULD BE MY ____________________________________________
 
 C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN __________________________________
 
 D. THE ONE THING THAT I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOES NOT ASK IS
 _________________________________________________________

  E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL THE FIRST THING I NOTICE IS ________

 (NOTE: IF THE ANSWER TO "E" STARTS WITH 'A' OR 'T' DISCONTINUE APPLICATION, LEAVE THE PREMISES KEEPING YOUR HEAD LOW AND  RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION. THIS IS HIGHLY  RECOMMENDED.)

16. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP? ________________________

17. DOES THE TERM .44 MAGNUM MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? ________________
      ______________________________________________________________________

18. ARE YOU WILLING TO WEAR AN ELECTRONIC SURVEILLANCE DEVICE?
      YES ____ NO ____
 

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CASTRATION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP TO THE KENNY G FAN CLUB.
 
 

______________________________________
SIGNATURE
(THIS MEANS YOUR NAME, MORON)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST.  PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX MONTHS FOR
PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED.
PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (SINCE YOU PROBABLY CAN'T AND IT WOULD CAUSE YOU GRIEVOUS INJURY).

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS REJECTED, YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED BY TWO UGLY
GENTLEMEN WEARING WHITE TIES AND CARRYING VIOLIN CASES. (YOU MIGHT WANT TO WATCH YOUR BACK.)

A $50 DEPOSIT IS REQUIRED UPON ACCEPTANCE OF FIRST DATE.
IF MY DAUGHTER IS NOT HOME BY 10 PM THIS DEPOSIT WILL BE FORFEITED.
   

E-Mailed to me by Amber Gross    

BACK