THE "GUYNESS QUOTIENT" ----------------------

This test will determine just how much of a man you really are:

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
   you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
   intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
   incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
   disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
   hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
   violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
   case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
   trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
   home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
     (1) He is legally within the basepath,
     (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
     (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
         cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
   cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it   easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the   papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you   that she thinks she really loves you,  but, she can no longer bear   the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only   whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.   What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
   you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
   honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
   commitment, and  you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
 

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
 

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
 

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
   intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
   checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
   naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
   discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
   the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
   with her.
 

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty   years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
 

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
 
 
 
 

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