THE SHIT LIST     

GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. 

CLEAN SHIT The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper. 

WET SHIT The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. 

SECOND WAVE SHIT This happens when you are done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and realize that you have to poopie some more. 

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke. 

LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. 

GASSEY SHIT It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. 

DRINKER SHIT The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. 

CORN SHIT Self explanatory. 

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. 

SPINAL TAP SHIT That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. 

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (THE POWER DUMP) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. 

LIQUID SHIT The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. 

 MEXICAN SHIT It smells so bad your nose burns. 

 UPPER CLASS SHIT The kind of shit that doesn't smell. 

THE SURPRISE SHIT You're not even at the toilet because you're sure you are about to fart, but oops!....A poopie! 

THE DANGLING SHIT The poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you're done poopie-ing it.  You just pray a shake or two will cut it loose. 

OUTTA THE BLUE SHIT The egg salad and chili you had for lunch kick in, and at most you have 30 seconds to find a bathroom. 

THE FLOATER This is one of the most important, yet not mentioned, kinds. The floater usually has two parts: the actual floater and the sinker.  The floating portion usually emits such a pungent odor that even flushing and turning on a fan can't get the stench out of your nostrils. 

THE "GROUNDHOG'S DAY SPECIAL" This is the kind that pokes its head out the hole, hangs there for a moment, decides that it was happier inside and begins to pull itself back in.  Usually its head can be pried off with a small stick or toothbrush.  Once headless, the rest usually falls out or turns into the "POP A VEIN" variety. 

THE STATIC CLINGER Originally very mushy, the first portions to emerge break off underneath their own weight, leaving a rather sizeable mushy ball affixed to your anus.  Wiping tends only to smear it. 

CHICKEN MCNUGGETS/FRUITY PEBBLES/THE PELLET POOP This is the kind that has no cohesive properties whatsoever. The individual "CHICKLETS" rather musically come plinking out one by one. 

THE CRAYOLA or THE MAGIC MARKER The long mushy kind that inscribes a beatiful arc on the bowl as it spins and disappears.  See next item. 

THE RAINBOW This kind can often be discovered by the wonderfully colored trail it leaves in the bowl, or by noting the rich hues present on the now soiled TP.  (As an aside, ingesting Grape Kool-Aid has been shown to turn stool an interesting shade of green.) 

THE PARADE POOP While being pinched out, this kind is accompanied by so many raucous and wheezing farts, you'd think it was a Fourth of July parade. 

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH Baby's poop.  If you've never seen or smelt it, trust me, it has a character and stink in a class by itself. 

THE ANCHOR The kind that is so long it touches the bottom of the bowl before it is finished emerging from its home.  This kind is also known as THE LINCOLN LOG and THE PILE DRIVER. 

THE "WEAR A GLOVE" SQUIRTS The kind that requires extreme caution when cleaning.  If you go too far in towards the source, you are bound to get some on your hand from the ample droplets you feel covering your cheeks.  Often results in the sensation affectionately termed "Burny-butt". 

      Posted to the alt.tasteless newsgroup by captain@bogvax.crude.org (Captain Crude)   Back