50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes
naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at
class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump
sardines in it.
Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim
and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is
looking away, float up
out of your seat. When s/he
turns to look, fall back down and
grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start
subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and
eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it
all. Stack the cans
in the middle of your room.
Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with
them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell
him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the
eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road
Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on
a kazoo. If your roommate
complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her
with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her
to bring you
food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using
it. Turn it
off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just
for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you
can. Put hooks
in your cheeks while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the
paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Pray to the Gods in Toledo. They enjoy your
kneeling and facing
away from them to get at your wallet
more easily.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of
a trash
can. When you get hungry, root
around in the trash. Find the
food, and eat it. If your
roommate empties the trash before you
get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.
Include a list
of grievances.
29. Paste pre and post nasal drips on the windows in occult
patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned,
and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the
closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's
closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's
parents (postage
due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something
nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a
shower. Do so. Keep this up
for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen tooth brushes of different colors on your
dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions
that start
with "Didja ever wonder
why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down
under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty
bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save
space," twenty times while twitching
violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the
wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the
book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit
often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania
Polka," and play it
at least 6 hours a day. If your
roommate complains, explain that
it's an assignment for your primitive
cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each
night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.
Sent to me by Bronwyn Gower