Tips for Northerners Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be
instructed later how to
use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her)
as "Bubba".
You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in the cab
of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way. This is what
they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
cooking, let alone
eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a
southern accent,
unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They
don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as
in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'
boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new
southern influenced dialect with
this expression. One hundred percent are in
denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until
the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!", stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will
ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore
those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
southern license
plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was
purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of
their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can
wait until
November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required
at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need
anything from the store, it
is just something you're supposed to do. The same
goes for hurricanes.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one,
it is to be positioned directly in front of your
trailer. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more
than the trailer and
should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot
in common.
In either case, you know someone is going to lose a
trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are
far more
Yankees than Southerners living there. Certain
areas of Texas fall into
this category as well.
25. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly
in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model
of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane
position for the vehicle.
26. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you
already know
the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where
buildings used to
stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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