10 Reasons a Single Man Should Have a Cat Instead of a Girlfriend

1.You can have a cat declawed.

2.She'll only cost 25 cents a day to feed.

3.She already has a fur coat.

4.A box of catnip is cheaper than a bottle of wine.

5.It's a lot easier to make her purr and she doesn't complain if you don't purr.

6.Most girlfriends aren't natural pest control experts.

7.Flea collars are cheaper than diamond rings.

8.She may break your dishes, but she won't wreck your car.

9.She may complain if you pet another cat, but she won't leave you over it.

10. She'll never be late for dinner.

In re: the question about a cat with suspected Multiple Personality Disorder
As an experienced veterinary psychologist, I have treated many cats for a wide variety of conditions, including Feline Factitious Disorder (F.F.D.), Siamese Schizophrenia, Generalized Angora Anxiety Syndrome (G.A.A.S.), Hysterical Hairballs, Catnip Dependance, Finicky Personality Disorder, and of course, MPD (usually known as Feline Dissociative Disorder, multiple type).
What small success I have had has been the product of rigorously applied Multiphasic Empathic Ontogenic Work (M.E.O.W.). It is demanding of both therapist and patient, but given sufficient motivation and an understanding owner, it is the only hope.
The first phase of treatment requires repeated application of Feline Exo-Empathic Dysphoric Mood Exercises (F.E.E.D.M.E.) until a stable period of at least one month has been established.
The next phase begins the challenging of the fragmentation, and it entails the Lovingly Interpreted Transferential Topographic Entity Rapprochement By Observed Xenophobia maneuver (L.I.T.T.E.R.B.O.X.) in which the very fragmentation itself is made toxic to the cat.
The final phase produces a single, intact personality through Positive Unified Reintegrated Reinforcement (P.U.R.R.), and though this phase can last upwards of two years, it is essential that it be performed unerringly with intensely focused purpose.
A thorough exegesis of M.E.O.W. treatment can be found in my latest book, "Feline Analytic Theory & Character: Assessment and Technique" (F.A.T.C.A.T.).

DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU?
See how many yes answers apply to you.
- Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
- Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
- Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
- Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
- Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
- Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
- Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
- Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
- Does your cat sleep on your head?
- Do you like it?
- Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
- Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
- Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

What If Cats Used Computers. Really.
If cats used computers, keys would be a lot bigger than they are today in order to accommodate their little round paws. Each keyboard would feature a little patch of rough fabric around the edges, just because it feels nice. And there would be no mice, only trackballs, please.
If cats used computers, disks would come in flavors (tuna, cheese & egg, beef), because cats love to chew on disks. Screen wipes would be odorless, because cats don't like perfume.
Software would also be different if cats used computers. There would be screen savers that feature chirping birds and flying squirrels. All spreadsheet programs would ship with templates for totaling canary kills and the length of knitting yarn unraveled.
Humorous start-up sound files would include a parrot voice squawking, "Time for dinner."
If cats owned computers, there would be no people owning computers for cats would rule the world.

Cat Physics - And Other Related Laws
Presented by the Institute of Theoretical & Applied Cat Physics

1.-Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force. Such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2.- Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direstion.
3.- Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4.- Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

5.- Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6.- Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7.-Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8.- Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9.- Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10.- Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
11.- Law of Obediance Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a humans desire for her to do something.
12.- First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible.
13.- Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
14.- Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15.- Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16.- Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17.- Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18.- Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19.- Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20.- Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21.- Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22.- Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23.- Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24.- Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25.- Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
26.- Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.
27.- Law of Equidistant Seperation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
28.- Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.
29.- Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
30.- Law of Concentration of Mass
A cats mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
31.- Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.
32.- Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers:
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.

2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used- up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.

5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.