Top 40 Ways to Know If You're Indian (residing abroad)

1) (For females) You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable

2) (For females) Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 11pm

3) You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go

4) When you were little you always wondered why your American friends waited until after breakfast to brush their teeth when you did it first thing in the morning

5) Tongue scrapers are not a new fad to you

6) To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid

7) Wearing deodarant is optional

8) When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed, you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of each other

9) Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names

10) Your parents hate the British

11) You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku

12) Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or not

13) People you call "uncle" always smell up the bathroom at parties

14) If you aren't married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it's too late

15) You have never met half of your extended family

16) Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them

17) Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds

18) A horoscope must decide your wedding date

19) Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day

20) Your parents had eight daughters in hopes of having a son

21) You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"

22) Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried

23) You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried

24) You sound like "Apu" on the Simpsons.

25) You own a 7/11 or a motel with a name like "Roadside Inn."

26) One or both of your parents skipped at least one year of elementary school.

27) In the smallest of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel without a phone book. WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals.

28) You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know,but who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to anyone YOU know.

29) Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.

30) You have trouble paying attention to "minor" items like your kids' social lives, but you know the exact number of the check that you're on in your checkbook.

31) Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.

32) When you compare your friends to yourself, your parents say, "You aren't the same person as they are!"

33) You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents always talk about businesses...especially if they're for sale.

34) The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking about them.

35) At least once a week your mom says, "I want to go to India"

36) Older siblings always listen to your parents' conversations.

37) No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.

38) When you drive by other people's businesses, your parents always count the number of cars in the parking lot.

39) Your parents worry what other people will think if you're not going to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer.

40) You're parent's always say, "It's cheaper in India"

The following item was extracted from travel section of a UK daily

newspaper.

Rules-of-the-road - Indian style

Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound,spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous. Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II

Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system.

The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending

order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks,

buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III

All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat.(This is the Indian drivers' mantra.)

ARTICLE IV

Honking is mandatory:

Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).

Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in

Article II above

ARTICLE V

All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI

In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII

Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre ofRoundabouts: India has noround abouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX

Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has justovertaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X

Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI

Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII

The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker

How to be a Perfect Asian Parent (from the second generation perspective)

1- Be a little more lenient on the 7pm curfew.

2- Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 grade on his/her report card.

3- Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.

4- Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Hah-foo (Harvard), Yal-uh Yale), Stan-foo (Stanford), and Emeh-I-Tee (MIT).

5- Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire Asian community.

6- Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do with your life" if he/she majors in a non-science field.

7- Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.

8- Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.

9- Incorporate other phrases besides, "Did you study yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.

10- Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.

How to be a Perfect Asian Kid (from the first generation perspective)

1- Score 1600 on the SAT.

2- Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.

3- Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.

4- Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship to pay for it.

5- Have three hobbies: studying, studying, studying.

6- Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.

7- Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.

8- Aspire to be a brain surgeon.

9- Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children grandkids for ah-ma and ah-goong!).

10- Love to hear stories about your parents' childhood...especially the one about walking 7 miles to school without shoes.

Q. Are you Hindi?

A :- Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q. Do you speak Hindu?

A :- Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q. India is very hot, isn't it?

A :- It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.

That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Why is it good to have a desi friend ?

A. You can get your assignments done.

Q. When do desis go to the temple ?

A. Just before the finals week.

Q. Why is Cinemax's (cable) Friday after dark so successful ?

A. Because, all desis watch it.

Rules for making INDIAN Movies

1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the

number of heroines,

the excess heroes/heroines will

- die

- join the Red Cross and take off to

Switzerland before the end of the movie.

2. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

3. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer,it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.

4. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.

6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never - miss - run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule).

7. Any fight sequence shall take place in the

vicinity of a stack of - pots

- barrels

- glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

8. Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by

- the brothers

- their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in theclimax)

- the family dog/cat.

The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't

remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.

9. Police inspectors (when not played by the

hero) come in three categories:

- Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's

father - killed by the villain before the titles.

- Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as

in rule), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte",

only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's

daughter is in love with the anti-hero.

- The corrupt inspector, (usually the real

villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the

hero(s) in the climax.