Why...why do I always fall so hard?  Why is it no matter
how many times I tell myself I will *not* fall, I fall
anyway?  Why, when I know better, when I know it is not
destined, when I know it will cause me suffering...why
do I fall anyway????

Why?  Because of the memory of his fingers in my hair,
running along my cheek; because of words soft and reverently
spoken; because of long night spent sharing openly;
because of healing and a new understanding of gentleness
and kindness.  Why?  Because we have no choice.  When
we love, we love.  C'est fini.

I worry - sometimes I think my heart will burst with
worry.  Before, I never worried.  Somehow, I knew he adored
me.  Somehow, when I wasn't counting on his support,
I always knew it was there, I never questioned it, I
had faith.  Why is it, now when I should be seeing proof,
I have only doubt where my faith was?

And yet I really don't think this is all me.  I feel
something from him, in that funny way I have of feeling
things.  He's pulling back...and he hasn't just started,
it was like this the last time we were together.  As if
he had made a decision without forethought, and he was now
uncomfortable with the outcome.  I don't feel as beautiful anymore,
I felt uneeded, unwelcome.  Somehow, I've become an intruder,
which displeases him and me.  And the closer
I try to come to him, the more distant he becomes.

And now he asks me for the truth...and I can't speak it.
I want to...I need to...I know he needs me to.  But I
can't.  I can't ask if I pushed too hard.  Partly because
I'm afraid to get the answer.  I'm really scared.  I'm
terrified.  Because this isn't a case of falling in love
to be safe, or to rebel, or just to try and forget the
wounds.  This is a case of falling in love for loves
sake.  For loving him for who he is, and where he's been,
and for the way he loves me.

How I want to love him!  How I want to wrap him in my arms
and tell him that it's not his fault!  Convince him that
he is magical, that he is wonderful, that he makes me
thank God for putting him on the earth and bringing him
into my life.  Even if I am not fated for him, even if
he is not interested in me...I thank God for my time with
him, for all I have learned and experienced with him.

And then at night, laying on my side with my head buried
in a "him" scented pillow, my eyes lingering on bright
stars in the night sky, I pray I was fated for him.  I pray
to know what it would be like with this man.  A healthy
relationship...I'm breathless at the thought.

I wonder what he would think if he knew how I felt.  If he
knew I loved him.  Anytime a man has found out that I
have those kind of feelings for him, he gets scared, and
runs away.  But he isn't like any other man I've known.
Maybe that's what worries me so, is that if he found out,
if I told him, if I made myself vulnerable, and he rejected
that, I would be crushed.

Maybe he does know.  And maybe he does reject it.  And
maybe that is the distance that I sense in him.  Or maybe
he's hurting, and still pining for her, even though he's
accepted the finality of it.  And maybe he cares for me,
too, but isn't ready to move into that emotion while he
is still greiving.  And maybe I expect too much too
fast of someone who is, after all, just a man.

I don't know...there are too many questions for me to
answer...too many things I don't understand.  Maybe he
would feel better if I would just ask him and let him
explain.  But I'm afraid it bears too many raw nerves,
and leaves me too far open to pain.  And I can't risk
it till I have a little more proof to base my faith on.

Meanwhile, what if he's feeling the same thing, and he can't
take the risk on me?