I lay my head into my pillow each night, my head an
endless whirl of thoughts of you.  Night before last,
I was granted a glimpse of that which my mind could not
fathom.

I had given up all hope of having you, resigned myself
to live contently if not blissfully, without you.  I
still watched you from afar, but the utter desolation and
bitterness of watching you with lil Eve had disappated,
eased by the consolation that I was once again in virtue,
not part of a sordid affair.

One night, I opened my home to my friends, for an evening
of laughter and comeraderie.  People we were both fond of
surrounded me.  You were there.  But we were not uncomfortable..
our secret safe, hidden in numbers.

We were both sitting on the worn old sofa, not together,
yet not withdrawn from each other either.  Liquor and
familiarity had loosened us all, and the laughs were louder,
the jokes more racey.  The evenings banter had temporarily
settled on you, and the silly ribbing and teasing you
were suffering to endure was friendly and common enough
that even I was giggling.

As the farce continued, and the jokes became more pointed,
You grew annoyed, not angry, but irritated.  Then suddenly,
pushed beyond your limit and needing to prove your "manhood",
you leaned over me, your fingers wrapping tightly around
my arms, and kissed me deeply and passionatly.

Our friends may have either stopped suddenly, in bewilderment,
or shrugged it off with a laugh of indifference, but I
will never know. For they had faded like a memory into the
misty background.

It seemed to last an eternity.  My heart too shocked to
feel anything, as if tranquilizers had been pumped directly
into my blood.  The smell of you, the taste of you, the
feel of your lips on mine, all the things I had fought so
hard to forget - rushing into me like a bolt of lightening.

Then reluctantly, unwillingly, you pulled away, and as I
looked up into your soft, deep, eyes, their
depths revealed your secrets.  My heart pounded, and I
was rocked to the core by the raw honesty I saw before
me.  In that instant, I knew.  I knew she had only been
your way of making me jealous, of trying to force my hand,
a game that you had, once began, not been able to stop.
I could sense your fear that after our first encounter,
I would hate, resent and despise you.  I saw your fear
of the sincerity of your own feelings.

In an instant, the facade returned, and it hit me like
a cold stone wall.  The teasing grin that made my heart
at once soar like a sparrow in the updraft, and sink like
lead to my shoes, had returned.  But you didn't pull away.
You just looked down at me and said sarcastically, "See,
that wasn't so bad, was it?"

And I knew it was now or never...be true to myself, or
forever hide behind the cupid's bow.  So I smiled
back, my heart shining in my eyes, and said plainly,
"What took you so long?"

And then the wall crashed down around us.  I watched in
gloriuos wonder as a look of utter elated disbelief
replaced your teasing grin.  You grasped me to you then,
as if you had never let yourself believe for a moment
that my heart could belong to you, my soul was an echo
of your own.  And I clung to you, as one drowning who
has been thrown a preserver in the instant he realized
he was going to die.  My heart took flight, finally
released from the cold dark prison it had dwelt in for
so long.

After that, the dream came in snatches...more vague ideas,
and pictures than actual scenes. We spent every moment
together, ever touching, playing, rejoicing in our
mutal discovery.  My sarcastic shell had been discarded
like a long over worn cloak.  Your protective comical
shield cast aside... you looked at me with love written
clearly on your face - pure, true, honest.  I knew a
trust then that I have never known before, likely will never
know in my waking hours.

In the end, you were torn from me too soon.  It was a
bizarre and unexplainable ending, as we often have in the
subconcious patter of our dreams, far to queer to relate.
But I awoke, clinging to my blankets, tears welling in my
eyes for the love I had been given this brief glimpse
of and then, so quickly, had ripped from me.  My sense
of loss was palpable, indescribable.

Sleep, perchance to dream...maybe that's all you really
are, maybe the person I have grown to care so much for
is only a figment of my own imagination.  Maybe I have,
in you, created my Utopian, certain in the knowledge that
as you are unattainable, beyond my reach, I will not be
proven wrong.  I do not know for sure, and am not at all
sure that I care to know the validty of the thought.

I do know, however, that suddenly, I have stark understanding
of another quote. "It is better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all."  I would not trade the
one lasting image of you - the open, adoring, love and
honesty plain to the world on your masculine features,
and the calm serenity of knowing it was me that your
eyes sought out, beamed on -  for the world.  Even if it
was only in my dreams.