Wednesday, December 8, 1999 8:45 A.M.

I picked out a card of sympathy for Carl’s wife, Joan and her children. I don’t know which is the more difficult task, writing the small letter in it or sending the card. It was very difficult writing the letter and I don’t want to add more to her sorrow. I do want her to know I am thinking of her and how much I know Carl loved her and his children.

Some days it seems the sun just doesn’t shine. But eventually it will again. Whether we want it to or not.

I laid in bed this morning not wanting to get up. I usually do that. I hate getting out of bed in the mornings. My bed is warm and cozy. The air is cold. Last night I turned the heat off.......I don’t remember why. This morning it was only 63 F in the house. So I did get out of bed on a colder than normal morning. I turned the heat on and then started the fire in the wood stove. Now it’s not so bad. Within a couple of hours the place is as warm as it should be.

As I laid in bed though, thoughts crossed my mind. Like what if we reach our peak and we just don’t learn any more. Is that possible? Sure we could learn a few new things as far as knowledge goes, but learn in life, life lessons. What if we can’t get any further than we are right now? What if we aren’t capable of learning any more?
I think we should all grow as individuals and keep growing
but is there a point that we get to and we stop growing?
some days I wonder if there is a reason I am here and what it is I am suppose to be doing? I know the residual effects of Carl helping me. It helped my children and I think it will help my children’s children and so on down the line. He helped me see that I was very low in self-esteem and I see that in my children and I try to bring it out and raise their self esteem. And in doing so it will help them and hopefully their children won’t have low self esteem and so on. And that’s just the basics of it.

So......why am I here? Some days I feel I should be doing more. But more of what? I asked that God give me some direction and I end up doing ceramics. I wonder to what purpose this is?
Some day maybe the answer will be given to me. Although...........Pierre has more respect for me now. (I think). His eyes have been opened to who I am as a person. (I think)

I have been spending more time with the boys, especially Robert. I have an agreement to spend at least 10 min. at night talking with Robert. It seems to be making a difference with him. He is more positive than before. At least that is good.

Often I don’t write in here because I feel I have nothing to contribute....so why write? Boring mundane things, who cares what I am doing, it’s what is happening. Nothing ever seems to change. I am who I am. Like I said maybe there’s a point where we just stop learning.?

This months challenge. To learn. To really look at myself and learn about me. Why do I do the things I do?

take care
lot's o love
christine

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