January 18, 1999 6:15 P.M.

Hi. Ok....all better now.
A bundle of emotions.
But better today.
I don’t know why I get this way. But I do.
Fear has a lot to do with it. Fear of the unknown......fear of the fact amI’m doing the right thing? Wondering if I am doing what I was ment to do in this life? I feel like I’m wandering sometimes, in a hopeless circle of nothingness.

Talked to Father Rob the other day. Wished Pierre got the point of how important God has become in my life. Wish Pierre got the point of how important Church is in my life. I told Father Rob.......I just don’t think he gets it. Father Rob is pretty cool. It felt good to talk but I really didn’t want to express that much to him. I couldn’t help it. I was just upset that Pierre wouldn’t go to church with me. After 4 years of going to church almost every Sunday you would think eventually he would get it? He went once. I guess we aren’t on the same level spiritually. I know he prays, more than I thought but still. It makes it very unsettling for me. Especially, when it comes to us getting married. I worry. Not to mention the fear. Same as before.......when we almost broke up only a slightly different angle. Last time was because we don’t do things together and us not being married. Why did i want to get married........God......i wanted to set things right. Which ment not living together or get married. This time.......God......I want us to go to church.........and do that together......not to mention......tobogganing.......skating.......or just going for a walk. I don’t bother asking Pierre to do those things though. Cause he prolly won’t want to. And for me and the boys to go......which I prolly could......it’s just not the same......or.......Pierre would want me to stay home to spend time with him. We all built a snow fort one time together. That was fun. Those are the family things I want.

I’ve been saying the rosaries. Am gonna try to say them every night before I go to sleep. I was saying them before Christmas but stopped. I don’t know why. I’d like to start the morning by saying a prayer and maybe meditating. That means I would have to get up earlier though. Hmmmmmm? I donno.....will see. Hopefully by the time I start working I will have incorporated this into a daily routine. I was thinking if I was working I would just do it at my lunch if I could.

Got a new book. I think it is more philosophical than the last one. Will see if I can get my brain around this one.

Back to Pierre.........he’s so damn cute. Sometimes he is so considerate. Like when he makes lunch or supper. He always makes sure I’m taken care of.......if i have enough money or that the car works in tip top shape. I know he really tries to make me happy. I ponder true happiness. What would it take to make me truly happy? Most the time i am happy with Pierre. Is this just part of my cycle of depression? Winter blues? I’m sure we can work things out. It’s NOT that bad. I do love him and he loves me.

Also.....I just wanted to mention....anyone who reads this and wants to be a crack shrink go ahead and email me. Talk to me will ya!?! Part of my new web design will include my email at the bottom of the page for responding to my ramblings. Am planning to re-do my web page. Ya ya I know you have heard that before. But seriously, I am! Hopefully, this week I’ll get a chance to do that.

Lots of love
Christine