July 14, 1999 10:30 P.M.

Pierre says I don’t tell him what’s going on. I keep things to myself. Ok. So he’s right.
But I don’t want to hear what he has to say about stuff I do. Why would I if I feel it’s mostly negative. Why would I tell him I REALLY want to buy the ceramic shop if I know he’s gonna tell me he don’t want me to which I interpret as, “Don’t you dare buy it.” And I know that’s how he feels because just joking around I said something about I wouldn’t have to get a job if I got the ceramic shop I could work there and he says......no fucking way you’re (or we’re....not sure which, don’t matter, anyway) buying the ceramic shop.
When I talked to him I toned it down. I didn’t even mention that one. Anywho, I said.... Why would I tell you I want to go camping if all I hear is stuff about why I shouldn’t go. He says.....I feel left out. Well, hell I know that i says and that’s another reason why I don’t like telling you the things that are going on and what I’m thinking of doing.
And.....not to mention he always has that insecurity that i’m gonna run off with some guy or something. God forbid if I’m not at home cleaning. Ok. So I make him sound like the bad guy here. He’s not really. He’s my down to earth Virgo. It says in the horoscopes that we are complete opposites and that opposites attract. Ok. But it says it’s actually good for us and that if we can get our opposites to compliment each other then we can have a great relationship. Lots of time it is too. A great relationship. I love him dearly and I know he loves me. He’s my missing shoe. My comfortable ol’ shoe. You know the one that sits in the back of your closet and you just don’t want to get rid of it cause you really like those shoes and you know the other one is around here somewhere. And it don’t matter how old they are or worn out and it’s something that really should be thrown out because it’s just that old. Put you just can’t seem to part with it and you’d feel rotten if you did throw it out and you know you’d miss it immensely for a long time. *sighs*
I’m missing my comfortable ol’ shoe right now. He’s gone off to work as usually. I still hate it that he’s gone all the time. What can we do though. He buys lotto tickets in hopes that he could be home more. He says he’d probably drive me nuts in a short amount of time. Prolly but not THAT bad. It’s a joke really cause we do get along really good when he’s here. Most of the time that is. Personally, I think if we won big bucks we’d just have a lot more fun together cause we could afford to do the things we both want to do. Of course he’s more down to earth and practical and wants to do things like fix the house and maybe do some farming. Where my dreamy side comes out and wants to gallivant all across the world and see everything there is to see, including some internet folks. Of course it would be a nice compromise where we’d fix the most important things first and then we would travel some and meet some folks and then back home to get the farm off the ground. I don’t think farming is my thing but if that is what he would be happy doing then that’s fine by me. Hell, my garden has more weeds than anything else. I don’t know how my tomato plants even survive. Ok topic change. Time to get out of dream land. That’s the fishy wishy washy side of me. Anywho, it’s getting close to eleven and i’m wiped after being up late last night, not to mention Pierre calling me at 4 am. Damn he must have this eternal signal that lets him know when I haven’t had enough sleep and have been up late so he has to call me at a god awful hour! I did get up at midnight to write and entry last night. No such entry was even started. Ok.....driven to distraction. Bleah. And it’s not that hard to do.... distract me that is. Anywho.......I was totally depressed the other day. A number of things probably caused that. But I’m fine now. The worst part is i hate the things I think when I’m feeling that depressed. And my first instinct is to run away from my problems not that I do or think I really could. Maybe it’s just the dreamer side of me that does that, mentally runs away and dreams up what I could do instead of dealing with whatever is really bothering me. I guess it’s just a coping technique to get my mind off what’s bothering me until I can handle thinking about whatever is bothering me clearly. I suppose it calms me too by getting my mind off whatever and I don’t get more frustrated or angry or whatever it is i’m feeling. Ahh well...... life is too short to dwell on this much more. The most important thing of the matter is that I feel much better now and back to my same ol’ self.
So cheers!!!!
and good night
lots o’ love
christine