March 31, 1999 10:00 P.M.

Relationships and frustrations go hand in hand.
if i were to put a title on this tonight that is what i really would call this entry
or maybe it would be how i love thee
i just got off the phone with Pierre
i love him a lot and i love him more now than before
i know that
but man does he frustrated me more than anyone else i know
i’m trying to tell him how i feel
i want to tell him who i am...........not that he doesn’t know that but how i feel about
certain things has to do with who i am
i’m trying to open myself up to let him know and he doesn’t want to listen
it is difficult for me to tell him stuff that is important to me as it is
when he does this i get very frustrated
i suppose anyone would
what is a relationship?
isn’t it about communication?
if u can’t communicate what do u have?
isn’t communication the foundation of a relationship?
sure u need trust
and a commitment to each other but....
i knew he wouldn’t be very receptive of what i wanted to talk about but i tried because i thought if we are going to be married and that maybe i should try to let him know how i feel about certain things
i didn’t think it would be that big of a deal
i thought maybe he would be somewhat understanding to the fact that i was trying to express my inner thoughts and feelings even if he didn’t agree with what i thought i thought maybe we could discuss it so he would know what is on my mind and maybe help me with clearing it up
basically it is something i am thinking about that i’m not too sure how i stand and i knew that my idea of where i might stand is on the other side of where Pierre would stand but again i wanted to express my thoughts and feelings not argue
i started out by saying i wanted him to know how i felt about the topic and that i wasn’t too sure how i felt about the sub-topic
it is one of those topics that people say it’s not ok for this but it’s ok for that if.....
kinda one of those sticky ones
i don’t know if i’m getting this out without making it sound more confusing than it is and i don’t want to say the topic because it’s irrelevant the main thing that is bugging me is he started out listening to me but after it got to the point he wasn’t going to persuade me one way or the other (because i need to do more reading for myself to see what he said is true and will sway my thinking to what he thinks or if i stay leaning the other way about it only with more conviction because i will be sure of my decision then) then he just didn’t want to talk about it
and the thing is i was just expressing my thoughts and feelings and part of it was my confusion of how i felt and i didn’t just make a decision about it
my decision will affect pierre but not for a long time 6 weeks big deal and since he is only home on weekends it’s only 6 weekends
i made a small change for myself that doesn’t affect anyone but me for 6 weeks and it isn’t easy to do but it isn’t that hard either
kinda like exercising at first u go but then u find u slack and then u don’t do it at all
hmmmmmm kinda sounds like my journal ehh?
anyway i did do this thing for the 6 weeks and this weekend it will be over and it won’t matter any more
*start forming opinion of what i’m talking about here......as long as u can follow what i said*
ok......i guess i can say now what i’m talking about.......6 weeks i went without chocolate if anyone knows me they know how much i love chocolate and the thing about it is i even went to the chocolate factory, got a box of peanut butter cups for pierre and a box of 2000 kisses for the wedding, a free complementary chocolate bar.......watched everyone at home eat chocolate, even they offered it to me forgetting i was going without it for this time period and still i have not ate chocolate.......well only the time i dreamt i ate it but i don’t think that counts.
*getting a bit clearer has your opinion changed yet? read on then*
~ok taking the conversation from the top~
after telling him i loved him and making small talk (our normal conversations.....how’s the kids, anything i should know about, how am i, how is he, what’s going on at work, where he is, when he’s gonna sleep, when he’s gonna get up)
then i said i would like to talk to him about something
not sure if i said it was kinda important to me though (might not have)
anywho
(i had this stuff written down and told him so then i opened my book and read what i wrote or started to)

heading was
Need to tell Pierre
the way I feel about sin->weighs my soul down ( he kinda laughed and said weighs your soul down?) that was ok since i know he isn’t on the same level as i am spiritually and that if he really knew he would think i was going to far
I want to go to heaven
sin is sin
we must not commit sin
knowingly committing sin is worse than not knowing
things that bother me
pre-marital sex
anywho......this is where pierre asked if i was saying i didn’t want to have sex until we were married and i said maybe because i know for sure it’s not a sin if you are married and i think it is a sin now and i don’t want to commit sin especially if it is knowingly pierre said he doesn’t believe everything the bible says and that there is man made things in the church and if 5 people read a part of the bible then there would be 5 different ideas and there are man made rules and the church makes some of these rules i said it’s not just the catholic church that feels this way i grew up presbyterian and i was taught it is a sin and if it weren’t a sin it wouldn’t bother me he also said what about those people that go to the Justice of the Peace? i said i don’t know, God knows but i don’t he said do u think God says u have to be married or it’s something man made? pierre says it’s not a sin because we have committed ourselves to each other that is enough and that as long as we are not promiscuous then it don’t matter hmmm maybe i should look up promiscuous since i thought it ment pre-marital sex anyhow, he thinks it means not cheating i guess...the way he was talking makes me think that......not that i asked him at the time to define it anywho...the then said where in the bible does it say u have to be married (think it’s in there but not sure so i didn’t comment) and then he said Adam and Eve weren’t married so i said well there are a few other things that were bothering me too he said something like i’m going over board on this God thing (i let that go too since i know he isn’t on the same spiritual level as i am and i knew he would think that if there was too much but.........) i said i only have 3 things on my list and the other 2 aren’t that big of a deal just that for example i have taping movies (rent them and tape them without buying them) is that stealing? i don’t know? then he said he was driving in the mountains and had to go because we usually (he was on the cellular phone) loose our connection when he is in the mountains i said well i’d just like to read u this too letter i wrote too it’s not very long and it’s about a page in my small note book (he is familiar with it and it’s really not that much) then he said we already were on the phone long enough (my big thing being on the phone too long and running up long distance charges) I said well it’s kinda like this and i read I want to correct my sins. I’d like you to help me I think I need you to help me. But he cut me off again and basically we ended the phone conversation. Not to mention he said somewhere in there who put me up to this or gave me the ideas, etc. Of course I told him no one since it is coming from me. I know he doesn’t understand my spiritual growth. You know with growth comes changes. I even understand the dynamics of families and change and usually there is a resistance to change. None the less........i still feel if i am right about premarital-sex being a sin then it’s not that big of a deal to go without until we are married. Oh ya.....he also threw in there during our conversation something about celibacy before we are married and even if you are married. I said not after your married. It’s not a sin if your married that I know. And God made sex enjoyable so we would pro-create and it’s not a sin even if pro-creation is not possible. (Since he asked if that ment we wouldn’t have sex unless we were going to try to have a baby.) so.......here i sit just a tad bit frustrated anyway......i really didn’t intend to ramble THIS much and i was going to put this quote in here (because i really like it and it has to do with my frustrations) A word about risk To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place our ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard is life is to risk nothing. People who risk nothing, do nothing, have nothing and are nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves, they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free. Author Unknown Bye
Lots o’ love
Christine

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