Thursday, November 12, 1998. 11:15 P.M.

To get to the point, cause I prolly wouldn't be writing again.....third day in a row if it weren't for this. Earlier today, I posted a note in Bronte's forum page asking if people could cheer up the cheerer upper. Normally, I am a happy go lucky person. I like being happy. But my kids have been getting me down. They simply don't listen to me and are hard to handle at times but more so lately. What topped it off for me is the fact they got kicked off the school bus for a week. I was really depressed after the school called to tell me. In fact, I cried for about half an hour. I felt upset, angry, frustrated and at my wits end. Lots of times they really are great kids, it's just been recently that they have been little hellions. But good news my friends. By the time the kids actually got home from school (the off the bus starts tomorrow morning) I had a clear picture in my mind of what I would be doing, or at least a clearer picture. I really hit them hard; mentally that is. The best thing about it is I didn't even have the usually fight with them. I just told them each as they came in what they would be doing. Robert had to have a bath then go to his room. Josh and Brandon had to go to their rooms. They weren't allowed to talk to each other either. Only Brandon asked me why he had to go to his room and had a wee bit of resistance, but not the normal defiance. THEY KNEW MOM WAS PISSED! Of course I don't blame Brandon for asking since he was the only one not kicked off the bus; however, he has been mouthy to me lately, not listening, not going to bed at night, etc. So....I simply pointed that out and told him they were all out of my sight because I wasn't going to have boys like that or put up with it any longer, that things were going to change. I told him I took down all their pictures because I couldn't stand to look at boys who were going to behave like that. He then proceeded to go upstairs. Josh was going to try to pull the "I didn't do anything trick yadda yadda yadda" I just said I didn't want to hear it and go to his room, take his book bag and do his homework because they were staying in there for the night and coming out only for supper and a bath. You know it was one of the best evenings at home in a long time. In fact......I'm proud of myself as a parent because damn it!!!!! they needed that. Pierre says I am always too easy on them and he is right. Well.......my friend not any more. I also told them i wasn't even sure if they would be able to stay here with me any more if they kept up the crap. (I already spoke to my mom and asked her if she would take them for a couple of weeks if it ended up they were hellions. And believe me, they would listen to her!)

As it turns out......I think they knew not to mess with me and ya know ...........it feels good. Anyway, I did let Brandon stay out of his room to help me with supper and to talk to me (he was quite upset.........he is rather emotional.........ummmm........ahhhh......like....his mom). He was upset about the pictures and the fact he always does things wrong. In which I pointed out he doesn't ALWAYS do things wrong and lots of times he does things right (proceeded to tell him what kind of things). Also, I told him I didn't really take ALL the pictures down, that I DID leave one up, in my bedroom, that I do love them and didn't want to take that one down. I also told him that maybe as they behave and improve I would start to put the pictures up again. I said that as long as he was willing to try then I would let him stay and live with me because he was young and I knew he could improve. When I left he was in much better spirits. As today is Thursday, it is Alpha night (you know the course with the church I am taking). Maybe I forgot to write that in my other entries. *shrugs* When I came home the baby-sitter said all went well, which is good.

Now......some that read this may think I went a little over board but I need to get some control over these kids somehow. The reins were slipping out of my hands. My point is......you take three boys, 11, 9 and 8 and raise them by yourself. I say by yourself because......at no fault of Pierre's he is not here most weeks. We are lucky to see each other on week-ends and occasionally he gets home during the week.....in which he gets here no earlier than 4-5 p.m goes to sleep usually between 7 or 8 p.m. in order for him to get up anywhere between (usually) midnight and 4 a.m. if I'm lucky and he is too then sometimes he doesn't have to get up til 5-6 am. which on those nights he still goes to bed early since prolly the night or two before he has only had 3-6 hours sleep each night. Anyway, I know I am ranting about that too now......so.......ah shit.......to hell with you if you think i went over board......i'd like to see you do better.

My shrink friend says, it isn't easy raising smart kids. It would be much easier to raise dumb kids. I think they are all darn smart.....so...it's not MY fault they got my brains and their dad's too.............cause they r twice as smart......that's can't be my fault!

Whatever.......anyway

Good night
and I think I still love you
and I know I still love my kids
and I know I still love myself and Pierre
and I know God loves us all
Good night my friends