Miscellaneous Humour.
CRICKET: As explained to an American...:-)
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out
he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side
thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him
out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out
and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out
all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both
sides have been out twice after all the men have been in,
including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
A punk, in full regalia (leather, chains, rings on every bodily
protrusion, multicolored spiked hair . . . the works), happened
to note an old man watching him intently from a park bench. The
punk sauntered up to the oldster and, with a sneer curling his
purple-colored lips, demanded to know what the old man was
looking at.
"You," replied the senior citizen.
"Whatsamatter, don't you like what you see?" demanded the punk.
Never taking his gaze from the punk, the old man said: "About
twenty years ago I had intercourse with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you might be my son."
Two cannibal's had just finished eating a clown.
One turned to the other and said,
"Did that taste funny to you??"
A woman is walking down the street with her three year old child.
"Mummy" says the child "What are those bins for ??", pointing
to the dog poop tidy bin .
"They are so when the doggy does a poop, you can pick it up and
put it in the bin" Replies Mummy.
"Oh" said the child "But how do they get out again ???"
Women do not belch, snore, or fart-
Therefore they must bitch or they will blow up!
The Pope was on a visit to New York. He went to Madison Gardens,
he went to see the Empire State Building but he refused to go and
see the Statue of Liberity. When asked by a reporter why he would
not be visiting the Statue of Liberty he replied
'It is because I have taken solemn vows never to enter a woman'
This is a true Naval story. For those of you who don't know sometimes the
Navy uses lights to communicate. In this story this is their only means of
communications.
First person's signal "bare 15 degrees to port"
Second person's signal " you bare 15 degrees to starboard"
First person signal "bare 15 degrees to port"
Second person's signal "I am a Captain you bare 15 degrees to starboard"
First person's signal "Sir bare 15 degrees to port"
Second person's signal "I am a Battle Ship bare 15 degrees to starboard"
First person's signal "I am a Lighthouse. It's your call"
This somehow didn't make it to the bible, but I'm pretty sure it happened...
Adam is telling God how lonely he's been in the Garden of Eden.
"You've made the day and the night, the land and the sea, the trees and the
animals. But what I really want with me in the Garden is a perfect companion.
I want someone who will cook for me and take care of me. I want someone to
talk to at night and to think about during the day. Can you make such a being
for me?"
"Sure I can," replied God. "But it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam thinks for a second and replies, "well, what can I get for a rib?"
A father scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebeled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if
you go hungry?", he asked. "Then I'll come home and eat!", bravely
declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?". "I will come
home and get some!", readily replied the child. The man then made a
final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?". "Then I'll come
home and let Mummy wash it."
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running
away from home, he's going to college!!!!"
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