Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a
redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the
executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no and the executioner shouted..... Ready.....Aim...!! and
suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and
looked around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last
requests.
She said no, and the executioner shouted....Ready...Aim....!! and
suddenly the redhead yelled....."TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and
looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her
forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no and the executioner shouted......Ready....Aim...!! and
the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
**********
Q: Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
A: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they
want, then go to the refrigerator.
**********
Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
**********
Q: If you go to bed 8 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife
wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you
get?
A: 7 hours, 59 minutes...who cares what she wants!
**********
A: Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Q: Blonde men are stupid too!
**********
At the Races
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on
the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the
house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and
she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
**********
A blonde and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to
wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on
and they noticed the news was showing a man on a rooftop thretening to jump.
The redhead told the blonde "I bet you 50 bucks he
jumps." The blonde said you're on.
Sure enough the man jumped so the blond starts to dig
out her money.
The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "that's ok, I
cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night.
The blonde said "Well so did I, but I didn't think he
would jump twice in a row!!
**********
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period." reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the
man next door shot himself!?"