\\|//
(o o)
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-----------------------------------------------
Creative Answering Machine Messages....
bart simphsons class board writings. bart's prank calls to moe.
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
jokes:
My Mistress
others:
spice girl wanted
\\|//
(o o) got a something to add? just send it my way!!
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-----------------------------------------------
funny lines
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats
only
endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What is another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipe?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATMs?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If psychics are really psychic, why don't THEY call YOU?
fun facts
* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
* If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple.
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the
back of the $5 bill.
* Almonds are members of the peach family.
* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
* There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
* The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-
wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,
"L.A."
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
* The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
* The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.
* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful
Life"
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden
in the front upper right-hand corner.
* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Why it's
Paul Reiser himself.
* The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8
miles away.
* The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."
* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
> Creative Answering Machine Messages....
>
> Hi. Now you say something.
>
> Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
> talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
>
> You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on
> and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
> aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine
> simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
> to suffer through another long answering machine message when you
> call me...
>
> You have reached 555-1234. We picked this machine up at a garage sale
> in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
> message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't
> return your call, it means the machine did not work.
>
> Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
>
> Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
> suggestions.
>
> Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
> Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
> myself with one of these magnets.
>
> Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the
> shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is
> done... (Cachunk!)
>
> Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
> with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want
> anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
> phone.
>
> Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
> messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
> their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and
> don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
> name and number and they will get back to you.
bart simphsons writings.
(you know, from the beginings of episods?)
I will not waste chalk
I will not aim for the head
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not burp in class
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I will not instigate revolution
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
I did not see Elvis
I will return the seeing-eye dog
Funny noises are not funny
I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'
I will not snap bras
Garlic gum is not funny
I will not fake seizures
They are laughing at me, not with me
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not fake my way through life
I will not prescribe medication
Tar is not a plaything
I will not bury the new kid
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not teach others to fly
It's potato, not potatoe
I will not bring sheep to class
I will not trade pants with others
A burp is not an answer
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
I am not a 32 year old woman
Teacher is not a leper
I will not do that thing with my tongue
Coffee is not for kids
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not eat things for money
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
I will not sell school property
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not cut corners
I will not squeak chalk
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will not get very far with this attitude
Goldfish don't bounce
I will not make flatulent noises in class
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
I will not belch the National Anthem
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not sell miracle cures
I will not grease the monkey bars
Underwear should be worn on the inside
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not show off
I will not call the principal "spud head"
I will not carve gods
I will not sleep through my education
I will not spank others
I am not a dentist
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
Spitwads are not free speech
I will finish what I start
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
High explosives and school don't mix
Hamsters cannot fly
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not deliciously saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not use abbrev.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not hang donuts on my person
No one wants to hear my armpits
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
I will not strut around like I own the place
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
I am not certified to remove asbestos
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
I will remember to take my medication
The boys room is not a water park
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
Nerve gas is not a toy
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
The First Amendment does not cover burping
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
bart's prank calls to moe.
Hey, everybody, I.P. Freeley!
Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap.
Is there an Al Coholic here?
Call for Oliver Kloushoff.
I wanna Seymour Butts.
C'mon, one o' you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Uh, hey, everbody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!
Aw, settle down. Anita Bath here?
All right, fine, fine. Maya Butreeks?
something cool
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!! It only takes 30
seconds.
Work this out as you read.
Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
1.First of all, pick the number of days a week that you
would like to go out.
2.Multiply this number by 2.
3.Add 5.
4.Multiply it by 50.
5.If you have already had your birthday this year, add
1748. If you haven't, add 1747.
6.Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were
born.
SEE BELOW:
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e. how many times you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!! It really works.
This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread
the joy around by mailing this to everyone you know.
more one liners
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
intresting findings
* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
* If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple.
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the
back of the $5 bill.
* Almonds are members of the peach family.
* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
* There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
* The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-
wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,
"L.A."
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
* The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
* The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.
* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful
Life"
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden
in the front upper right-hand corner.
* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Why it's
Paul Reiser himself.
* The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8
miles away.
* The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."
* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
My Mistress
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque
brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the
husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are
you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs,
your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home
in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the
woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard
over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
spice girl wanted
No timewasters please.
SPICE GIRLS APPLICATION FORM
Name:_______________
Age:___________
Real Age:____________
How would you best describe yourself?
( ) An energetic self-starter
( ) A team player
( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet
Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits? Would it
bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?
"I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry"
( ) Yes
( ) No
How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?
Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.
Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will
in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and
modern behavioralist psychology? Just kidding!!
Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
( ) Yes
( ) No
Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
( ) Yes
( ) No
Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy,
Sickly, Sporty, Slappy.
Choose an appropriate image:
( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
( ) Tub of lard
( ) Bloke in a tracksuit.
( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
( ) Terrifying to small children and old men
( ) All of the above
Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
( ) Yes
( ) No
If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres, and 75
kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?
If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?
( ) Yes
( ) No
In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this
job.
applications to be sent to www.spicegirls.sex.co
pickup lines protection
to all gals..here are some female protection lines for lame pickups...
I KNOW HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
Then please leave me alone
YOU LOOK LIKE A DREAM
Go back to sleep
I CAN TELL YOU WANT ME
yes, i want you to leave
I'D GO THROUGH NE THING FOR YOU
lets start with your bank account
YOUR PLACE OR MINE?
both..you go to yours i'll go to mine
IS THIS SEAT EMPTY?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit here
HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?
yeah, and i don't go there anymore
ALL THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD DON'T COMPARE
TO YOU....
why don't you go double check
I WANT TO GIVE MYSELF TO YOU..
sorry..i don't accept cheap gifts
SHE WAS SO BLONDE ................
(please don't be offended by this, take it as a joke)
- she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she thought a quarterback was a refund
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
- she tried to drown a fish
- she tripped over a cordless phone
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate"
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
- she sat on the tv and watched the couch
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put
"Sagittarius"
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test, and failed
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
- she sold the car for gas money
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got
16 friends
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport:Left"
she turned around and went home
stages of life
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
=======================
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbie
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
=========================
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to need wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage & Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more
it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts
out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other
cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.