Do you have a nagging problem that you just can't get a grip on? Some dirty little secret that needs airing in a public forum? Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Then worry no longer. Help is just an email away!
Welcome to Mouth Full's Agony Aunt page.
Relationship problems, work problems, personal hygiene problems? Fear not. Mouthy will solve them all with little or no regard for personal feelings!
Send your problems to "Dear Mouthy" at mouthfull@oocities.com
Each week selected problems and their replies will be published on this page. So remember, if it's tact, compassion and discretion you desire then, don't
ASK MOUTHY.
"Distraught" of Bangor, Maine writes:
Dear Mouthy,
Help! This morning my wife left me. She told me she has been having an affair with the milkman for years and has decided to live with him. As she left she backed over my cat in her car and killed it! What do I do?
Mouthy replies:
Dear Distraught,
You are suffering from a calcium deficiency. Have a glass of milk. Do not worry about your wife, she is just trying to ward off osteoporosis. As for your cat, try giving it a saucer of milk, I know that always cheers mine up. Remember, milk is not just a drink, it's the runny white food.
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Agent98" writes:
Dear Auntie Mouthy,
If a man speaks in the forest and a woman isn't around to hear him.....is he
still wrong?
Mouthy replies:
Dear Agent98,
Yes.
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"styler" writes:
Dear Mouthy,
Is there any hope for mankind given the fact that evolution has made us
violent sheep, who will follow madmen into war; coupled with the assertion
that the smarter you are the smaller your family will be (on average)?
Also I don't want to die. please help :-)
Mouthy replies:
Dear "styler"
I find violent sheep to be a major concern as well. My family is very small. I attribute this to the escalation in sheep gangs terrorising my home.
Have no fear of death, I promise you will never die (as long as you avoid known sheep hang-outs)
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Eternally Grateful" writes:
Dear Mouthy,
Ok, so besides the huge boil on my butt, I don't really have that many problems,
but maybe you can answer one question for me...how do I get my dog to quit
telling me to do stuff? Most of it isn't too bad...but sometimes when he is
feeling pretty frisky, he tries to get me to vandalize the neighbors! Now,
normally, I go along with him, but he is starting to get a little vicious about
it...talking about bodily harm! I can ignore the nagging, but when he starts
biting my ankles, well, you can understand my anguish, right? He is like a son
to me, so please don't suggest I put him to sleep, and, oh yeah, Abby already
suggested councelling....but he just acts like he can't talk!
Please, please help me!
signed,
Eternally grateful......
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Eternally Grateful"
Please don't waste my time. I am here to help solve peoples problems. The time I have spent in replying to you would have been better spent with my cat Noodles slashing theatre seats. Noodles says your a trouble maker and should be dealt with. Please feel free to write to me when you have a problem,
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
P.S. Noodles would like your dog's email address.
"Deaths" writes:
Dear Mouthy.
I have been seeing this girl for a week now and i brought her back
to my house after a lovely diner one evening. We proceeded to fondle each
other and arouse each other. Thats when i noticed she had an
erection........ what should i do.
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Deaths"
I understand your concern. The prospect of dating a woman with her own home can be overwhelming to say the least.
Perhaps if you try to think of it not as an erection, but as a refuge, a shelter, a tent of sorts, somewhere you can snuggle up on warm nights.
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Puzzled in Poughkeepsie" writes:
Dear Mouthy.
I am a 67 year old retired steel worker who was widowed when my husband passed
away 13 years ago. Recently, Elvis Presely has been appearing in drag, in my
bedroom in the middle of the night, advising me to invest heavily in the
pharmaceutical industry. The stocks have been doing well, but my question is
this: am I expected to offer refreshments to unannounced visitors in the middle
of the night? I don't wish to appear rude.
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Puzzled"
Only if it is a dead superstar in womens clothing.
Suggested refreshment:
Peanut Butter and Pig Bits Blend
500g of Crunchy Peanut Butter
500g of Pork Gizzards
1 bottle of Chanel #5
Hunka hunka burnin' love
Place all ingredients in a blender. Blend till smooth and serve in a blue suede shoe (stilletto)
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Flabber" writes:
Dear Mouthy.
I have met the sweetest girl over the internet some time ago, I would
love to marry her, but I am having trouble convincing her mom that I
would make a great son-in-law. I am sure she would be happy with the
offspring I could produce for her as grandchildren. How can I convince
her?
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Flabber"
The best way to convince her Mom that you are prime son-in-law material would be to start wearing her clothes and jewellery. Never ask her permission first as this tends to show weakness of character. I have a sneaky hunch that it is really your would-be-mother-in-law that you have feelings for anyway. Act on these feelings. Conceal yourself in unusal hiding places around her home, under her bed, in her shower etc, wearing nothing but a smile. This is bound to produce the required effect.
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Klee" writes:
Dear Mouthy.
I have this recurring problem with sudden fits of hysterics. It usually
happens in public ... I just start bouncing on my head yelling " Beer is
breakfast food". What should i do???!!
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Klee"
It is a little known fact that WILL KEITH KELLOGG (1860-1951) introduced the concept of adding beer to cornflakes to give you that well needed get up and go in the mornings. You should be proud to be carrying on such a worthwhile public information service. My hat is off to you.
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Pounding Back the Pudding" writes:
Dear Mouthy.
I have been having a cyber romance for months now. ( and the sex is
fantastic, if i might say so) But there is one huge problem. I told my
lover all about me, but i exaggerated slightly. I described myself as
being, a 220 lb babe with (censored) he could get lost in for months. I promised
him more wrinkles he could sink his... um... well you know... in for many
more pleasurable experiences than he could imagine. I told him, i have a
pretty big nose, nostral almost big enought to use as well, huge lips, and
so on.......... Well now he can't wait to meet me. He absolutely loves how
i described myself and is dying in sample the wares. The problem is, i am
drop dead gorgeous!!!! And i don't want to lose him. I have been pounding
back the food for weeks now, but there is no way!!! I can gain that much
wieght before we meet next week. Please mouthy!!! I am beginning you!!!!
What can i do to hang on to this man. He has insisted, i am exactly what he
has been looking for! He isn't into beauty queens , with a Pamela Sue body
like mine really is!! What if he dumps me!!! I know lying was the wrong
thing to do, but i needed him to love me for my brain not my body. Do you
think i have lost him now.
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Pounding Back the Pudding"
Here is a letter I recieved which may be of some help to you:
I have been having a cyber romance for months now. ( and the sex is
awful, if i might say so) But there are many huge problems. My
lover told me all about herself. She described herself as
being, a 220 lb babe with (censored) I could get lost in for months. She promised
me more wrinkles I could sink my... um... well you know... in for many
more pleasurable experiences than I could imagine. She told me, she has a
pretty big nose, nostral almost big enought to use as well, huge lips, and
so on.......... Well now I don't want to meet her. I absolutely hate how
she described herself and am not dying to sample the wares. The problem is, i am
drop dead gorgeous!!!! And I want to lose her. All she does is eat! Please mouthy!!! I am beginning you!!!!
What can i do to get rid of this woman. She has insisted, I am exactly what she
has been looking for! She is into beauty queens , with a David Hasselhof body
like mine really is!! I wish she would dump me!!!
(name witheld)
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
"Chloe" writes:
Dear Mouthy,
Is it true that due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the
tunnel has been turned off?
Mouthy replies:
Dear "Chloe"
Yes. This is not a rumour.
Also, from now on, clouds with silver linings will henceforth be refered to as 'clouds with tin-foil linings' and the pot at the end of the rainbow has been replaced with an ice-cream bucket filled with warm brown mushy stuff.
Glad to be of help,
MOUTHY.
You are eyepoker
since the 21st of February, 1997.
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