Back?



I don't know what to say and what to write I'm just going to keep
writing and I stop. It won't be alot but I'm going to just keep
writing about what I'm thinking or feeling so expect bad
grammar again. *sigh* sorry but oh well these are my thought
on death!!


I've always said I wasn't afraid to die, but I don't want to
die, well right now in my life I want to die and not live
another day of this misery that I've encounter myself.
Am I going to die???? No, I'm just to chicken shit
to do that I'm just too weak to do something that would
end my life - - - -so I suffer....
In the place that everyone calls Home.
I'm back in Michigan and living the life I knew as Hell.
I remember the day where I was just riding the Greyhound
Bus back and all I was thinking was about the House I'm
coming home to. There's nothing here. I came back to a
house with nothing here for me. I cried tears on the bus
because I felt lost and so confuse with my mind and not
thinking straight. Thinking my life is done. Its over. Nothing
to live for in the city I reside. I was hurting and couldn’t stop
crying. Came off the bus and I met my mom *sigh* she hugged
me and I almost cried in front of my mom (but I never did and
never have cried in front of her) but I was sad to have her hold
me. My heart crumbled cuz I thought I fail, I thought I wanted
to just run to another place where I could feel safe and warm, and
can smile. Usually when someone hugs there mom, they smile, but
I'm just can't let myself do it. But I smirked and just let her hold me
and I was just sad that I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her
back, and it was hard for me. I just think that right now in my life, I'm
so unhappy that death isn't the answer but I wish I could be happy and
and just smile and wish that I lived another day. Right now, its hard to,
and it will be some quite of time until I'll feel like I'm happy. As long as
as I'm in Michigan and in this house of mine. I rot in my personal prison
and live in its surrounding of patheticness.


I dreaded the ride home, knowing what to expect of the house I was coming
home too. I wish I could of just went to a friend's house and stay there, but I
can't. I need to see my mom for awhile and then I can move into with a friend
and then decide what would make me happy. There's a few things, but I don't
know I just need a friend right now, and it hard to come back to a town when my
friends say where you been why haven't you write or call (sigh) for awhile I had
no money. So I called once in December, and twice in November. After three
months all my friends are just like I can't help you and I wish I could, I don't want
you to stay there and then get use to it, I remember when you didn't want to do nothing
at all. Just stay there. I don't him that I hate home but that's why I gotta go over and
sleep a couple nights and just come back for days.


My heart is weaken and it took alot of me for moving back to Michigan. I hurt so
much that I just need friends and right now no one is here in michigan. Everyone
is gone, school, work, moved, and just not my friends any more. My heart is lost
in a blizzard of confusion. I hate to just dwell on it but there's nothing here for me
to do. So right now I'm home with my mom and she just been a thorn in my side.
She knows I want to give up and just rot and DWeLL in HeLL. I'm just searching
for some answer talking to friends here but I'm just sounding like I'm ready to give
up while my friends are like just hang there I'll help you. Its just hard cuz I know
they can't do nothing. My mom eyes watery when she watches me sit and watch the
fire just burn, and she just knows I've been through alot. Yes she thinks that its not
fair if you give in to the pain.


My mother's house is pitiful. I'm ashame but its what I know to be as home for 11
to 12 years, since 5th grade. The house was ok when we lived there. It wasn't cold
just chill at night. Few Years back, she got married and divorce. It all came down
after that she just felt into a state of depression. In for awhile she dragged me down
with her but when I left for almost 2 months I didn't call alot and I was fine and then
she emails me and just blown things at me claiming and stating things that was hurtful
and things mom don't say to their kids without hurting them on purpose. I was hurt.
And it affected me, and then the state of depression I had or shared with her was back
in my mind and heart. The dark within me. Her words reached me and trapped me
to think like she does and live like she does.


Her house now is a personal hell:


No water. - no shower *sigh*

No heat. - the fireplace isn't hot enough just few inches its hot
but the living room and kitchen is cold.

The floors don't have rugs.

There's cat and dog hairs everywhere.

The upstair is closed.

The dishes are all piled up and fills the counter
with more dirty plates, cups, glasses, pots, and pans
not washed.

The dinner table is full with papers.

The living room is a mess and dirty.

No cable.


Theres more but this is what I came home to. It hurts to know that
living in home can make me go into a state of depression. Not given that
I was depress but this isn't going to help me feel happy. I wanted to escape
Michigan and I did but now I'm back and its killing my heart to live like this.
I have no money where I can live on my own now and for that
reason I have to suffer. I've been thinking about death and how it would all be easy.


Like the many time before I left Michigan, I felt like it would be fine to just
end it, but its the surrounding that makes things worse for me. I'm not happy
here and I won't be. I wish I could end this pain. End this hurt. End this misery.
But for now I have to suffer here until I get help or find answers to the question of
why me? Did I deserve this? Maybe. But Maybe not.


Death is a thought of ending it, but I don't want to cuz I'm too scare to end it all.
I came along way to where I am and I just feel like killing myself. Don't know,
maybe a few weeks I'll get use to living like this, maybe a month I would just be
happy with what I got. Just right now everything hurts and its bringing me down
to where I don't want to be.


Alway thought that death would end the life I live. Said that my life is done. I'm
young yet to much hurt has been in my heart. I cried for couple weeks now of being
depress and now I'm here and I just can't stop crying and its hard to sleep at night.
I wish I could go to an intuition for a 24/7 suicidal watch, but thats doesn't solve the
problem. But you have to be happy with yourself and I always think negative no matter
who or what is said to me. I need help and being here isn't going to solve it.


Do I want to die??


If death didn't feel like it would hurt. I do.

Am I going to die and welcome Death with open arms?

No, I'm chicken shit and scared.

So what do I do???

Live in my personal hell.


Death is just a mere way of stop hurting. Stop the ache. But I have love ones.
I have friends. I just need there advice and attention to make me feel like I have
something to give or some reason to live. I am so sad and hurt but I'm all alone
and my mom is to busy for me so she thinks it'll help if I see a doctor. No, my
heart been through alot and no doctor can help me. Not right now..... my house
is a constant reminder of why I wanted to get out of Michigan. But my mom dragged
me back with words she said and words that made me feel like I'm not the son that
she thought I was.


Death is just a thought. It won't kill me. But the thought of dying is a comfort zone.
I can't stop crying but I can't end my life. Scared and Afraid. So death will be my
companion as a thought, until I'm happy to be alive. Being in the house of cold draft
all day and colder draft at night just makes me toss and turn while I sleep and just feel
like I hate my life.


Death is just a thought, it won't happen, but I wish I could but I can't.


The End.