I don’t know what to say, I’m just going to type what I think or feel at tha process of writing this. So there might be misspelled words, poor grammar, but I don’t care I’m just gonna’ type as I think or feel like writing . Let’s start with what I think love is. Love is a feeling that is unconditional yet reserved for SOMEONE SPECIAL in your life.
SOMEONE SPECIAL: There’s a few....
What I mean is that love will fall for anyone, shape, size, color, desease, and anything that it finds. Its reserved for someone you care alot for, someone you respect, someone you can’t live without, and if that someone knows you in and out, they might love you. Have I ever loved or felt it? Hard to say, cuz being a poet you tend to feel alot of emotion and feelings and you learn how to deal with them in a certain aspect of the heart. Those three words I’ve only said to one person (even got a poem about it called “Three Words”) and I regret and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say it. Admitting that you love someone with all ya heart shows ya vulnerable side and it lets that person know where you stand and if that person doesn’t feel the same. It becomes Deadly Games.
DEADLY GAMES = Fool, Cheating, and Loving.
What I mean is... Say you love someone and that someone doesn’t feel the same. You can stay there and try to convince that person to give you a shot but you become a fool in love. I remember when I was young (niave) and I was chatting on the phone with this girl ‘saying’ How much I cared about her (never said I love you) but many ways I showed her that I was on the edge of falling. There’s a poem called (Everything) and its my favorite poem of all I wrote, cuz it was really the first time I felt like when I read my poem I wanted to cry. I’m not good at writing but it hit home so much (heart) that I really wanted to cry cuz I knew I couldn’t have her. She read the poem and she told me on tha phone that she cried. But even though she knew how I felt and how much tha’ poem was so true, she was with someone else. In life, I have a saying “if I could take back any girl that I liked (someone loved) I would take her!” in a second without a hesitation. When I wrote that poem it means so much to me because if you read it, it tells her I want to be her everything, anything she can think of, and I’ll be it, but out of all the things she think of.... I wanted to be the ONE she loved, and not him. That was a deadly game I played knowing I fell for this girl and she already had a man while I stayed there like a Fool.
Another game that I mean is going out with someone and not cheat on them. Now, I never did cheat on someone even though there was a incident where I was accused of going out with someone when we weren’t together. I remember one day, I broke up with this girl, and we didn’t see each other for a week. So on Saturday I went over someone’s house and to make it short I went out without someone else. Next day, Sunday I went to my EX cuz that’s were my friend lived aka I went out with his sister and he didn’t know (which brought allot a pain to my heart). She found out and accused of me cheating when it was far from the truth, cuz we weren’t seeing each other. So I don’t cheat with people’s heart, but I flirt... not a good flirter but I do try. Always trying to make someone smile and it can be dangerous.
Another part of that game is making love. The one person I said I love you to I did consent it. There’s a time where I said I won’t have sex unless I’m in love with that person. Well, one night it happen where there was no love. I consider myself to be a gentleman, not breaking girls heart. But there’s one girl that stands out and that I won’t forgive myself. It was a one night stand typo. Making love to someone should be someone you love. I guess I wasn’t thinking of that at that time. All guys makes mistakes, just serparate the pigs from tha guys who sometimes make mistake. I felt like I neglected her, used her, and left her to ponder “why did I do” what guys don’t understand is A girl willing to have sex with you, means they trust you (most of them) but that they need you and to find out next morning that you didn’t need them. It hurts them. Now I’m not a HUGE playboy or playa, I’m just an average joe, but I experience what I went through as all lesson of life. So I won’t have sex with someone else unless there’s a committment or I honestly love this woman. I’m not a ladies man but I’m not sleeping everytime I get a chance, I have said no and I will continue to say no until I find myself fully in love.
LOVE HURTS = Poems, Relationship, and Friends.
Boy, does it ever. I guess I’m like real sensitive, that I can feel hurt just by a girl not calling me cuz she don’t want to see me for a second date? I guess I take it personal. I shouldn’t but I do. What was my first love, it was someone that was older than me by three years, any who, she was the reason why I started writing poetry. When I write poems I use love and its allot easier using the word LOVE then keep writing... I like you this much, I like you allot, or I like you infinite so I use love to shorten the meaning. Like right now, I didn’t really love this girl but I was young and I’m just substituting the word to broaden it. But she made me write my first poem, ever, my first song ever. In my heart there will always be a place for her. She brought feelings to my heart that I never felt or realize so I just put ‘em in paper. I’ve always said “Poetry to me is easy - cuz I just trust the pen I’m holding and the paper I’m telling my feelings too” cuz I just put the poem away and only I know where it is. My first love brought this somewhat talent I have to a new height and I can’t believe how one girl made me express my heart and my soul. I always try to write from tha heart, and sometimes a friend needs a poem and I write them something (which is INSPIRE cuz I felt like that too at one time)
Relationship scares me. To allow me to be dedicated to one woman for the rest of my life scares me. I think that if I want to get married I don’t want to get a divorce. I’m scare that I’ll lose that person and my vows were not meant nothing. When I get close to a person (sometimes) I push them away. Not wanting to let that person inside of me so that in the end I have a chance to hurt. My mother got two divorce and I don’t want that... I just want to fall in love with someone that will undoubtly stay with me forever. Sound selfish, huh? See, I feel so many pain in my life that you just have to understand why I’m afraid to give all of me. When I was young I always thought - ‘what girl wants to be with someone that’s handicap’ ‘what girl wants to deal with someone that has crutches’ or ‘I’ll never be in love cuz a girl is not going to fall in love with someone who can’t run’ ..... As I grew up, I learn through poetry, through life’s lesson, and through relationship that a woman who honestly loves you for what you are then they will love you Unconditionally. But I still feel that I’m not going to find a woman that will love me through and through. I don’t search for love. If loves find me, it finds me. Now I have allot of females for friends, but I always push them always when I realize I got some strong feelings toward her. Cuz I don’t want pressure on relationship I just want to me loved and don’t want to get hurt by her. Usually I know if I’m going to get hurt in the end so that’s when I push them away. In relationship now to me is about trust and honesty... if you ask a question I’ll answer it. No doubt. But if you don’t I won’t mention it. Relationship is for those who aren’t scare to lose people in their life. I can’t afford to lose one. One of motto is “I ratha’ break my heart then break yours” even know I HATE PAIN.
Friends are like special to me. I have like few best-friend, I have A best friend, but I also have friends that I know but don’t talk to allot. You don’t have to know me personally, I will tell you anything. I’m very open if someone ask something. I’ve been told that I’m funny, hilarous, and very comical from friends, family, and adults (teachers and so). I’m clown always joking around. I love few of my friends, now I don’t say I love you but I show it in someways. Like take a few to dinner, or buying B-day gift, or just anything for no reason. I love making my friends laugh. I guess seeing that they think I’m somewhat of a comedian they always seem to want me to be ALIVE and having FUN. When I’m down, they always seem to think something is wrong when nothing is (I’m just chill’n). I had friends that hurt me. I’ve also got friend that I hurt. You gain friends and lose friends in life.... just move on. My saying is “I’m like a tear of a clown” Smokey Robinson. I’m outgoing, funny, but I hurt deep down inside. Its MASK I’m wearing like Jim Carrey, when I meet people I have to act like nothing wrong, but sometimes its hurts and I need to talk about it and my friends are there when I need them. In tha NET its hard to be funny like I am in person but I try to make peeps laugh, but I try to make peeps smile to, and I try to be friendly and occasionally I try to make them feel good about themselve. Can’t always take serious thing in tha NET, so deal with it tha’ what tha’ Card should be played. Hide tha Aces in tha hole, use it later as a Trump, and later if ya have to treat ‘em like Jack shit. Just kidding I just wanted to be stupid... friends will stay friends no matter what... cuz if they don’t ... they weren’t ya friends to begin with.
TRUE LOVE: Maybe love at first sight.
What is love? Now I stated what I think was “Love is feeling that is unconditional yet reserved for SOMEONE SPECIAL in your life.” Now, true love I never felt ( I don’t think ). I did once met this girl that I was head over heel and that at first sight I wanted to be in her life. I was scared again, that she might not think tha’ same, and that she was with someone else, that just my bad luck again. We went out a couple times, and I was so nervous that I didn’t talk as much, I didn’t make her laugh as much, I was basically shy as a motha (ya know). I remember one night when we were in a VAN and she was drunk az you can be, and I just held her hand just to make sure she was doing ok and feel safe. Now, I could of kiss her, made pass at her, or anything, if she was going to kiss me I would of backed away... So that night I was gentleman. I wanted her to do it sober and on her will. Not making a relationship with this girl was my mistake cuz I liked her allot at this time, its not true love but it was the one time in life where I thought it was love at first sight. I regret it cuz I felt automatically strong for this girl. I remember when she was hurt, I send her a rose in a vase, poster and card ... saying “just thinking of you” letting her know that I didn’t like seeing her in pain. We were someone friends more like acquaintence. Our first date, I got nervous as hell, shaking talking to her tha phone, and it was a Double Date? but I was still nervous. I even made an excuse that I had Gas and I didn’t feel like doing anything. This girl made me feel akward but somewhat anxious to get tha Date going. After tha date, I didn’t want to get involve cuz in my mind I was thinking... If I feel so strong or like this girl so much and she makes me feel this way... I won’t handle the pain and I didn’t call for a second date. Another mistake. But eventually I got tha second date and still was nervous so I gaved up, but still got gift for her when it really didn’t matter. She’s adorable and she’s makes my heart flutter everytime I see her.
A GENTLEMAN: More people like you.
I don’t know Webster definition on a gentleman. I consider my heart as part of being one. The reason why I’m a gentleman is because I’m willing to sacrifice love for someone else benefit. I’m willing to lose love if it would hurt someone else. I’ve acted gentlemanly like a date. I wouldn’t want to hurt a woman’s feeling. I bought gifts for a woman when it wasn’t her Birthday, anniversary, holidays (any of them), or when I made a mistake (of course I give a gift to her on all of them) but I give a gift for no reason. Maybe just the fact that she’s in my life. Maybe the fact that she’s willing to love me? I buy gift for no reason cuz it makes her happy knowing nothing happen in order for me to give her something, just tha’ fact that I’m giving her attention, and love. I can be the sweetest guy you’ll ever meet... if I try. I don’t have to if I’m liking the times I spend with you? Naaaahmmeann? Write love poems, love letters, and love conversation on the phone. I’m respectable man when it come to loving someone. I listen to their problems, their life stories, and what they have to share with me. NOTE: that I don’t remember everything cuz if they leave ya life and then you tend to forget the times and thoughts of being with that person so that it won’t hurt.
A gentleman is I. Honest, caring, respectable, loving, and number reason I think I’m somewhat a gentleman is that I don’t want to hurt you unless if for the best thing for us. I can’t deny that I won’t make mistake. To be human is to error. So I’ll backtrack few things, but I’m not covering up anything its just that I wasn’t thinking what I was saying or maybe doing. Action may speak louder than words... BUT words mean more. I can honestly say that over the period of times of loving someone, I was just being myself. Being a genlteman is a part of me. Making people laugh. Someone said that I’m geniune? As to what? Someone said I’m really talented ... as to what? I think what really count is in the end. If that person cares for you, he or she will be there in the end no matter. Just like in the end I would be there for you cuz I care about you.
See allot of girls that I talk to says I wish they were people like you that I knew. Maybe there are, and some of you don’t give them a chance. Maybe you talk to them everyday but for one moment you won’t give a thought of proceeding a relationship with this man. I think at times a man feel the same. The act of certain way but in the heart they feel the same. I know that to admit that you feel something about someone makes alot of guys nervous and scare. Now allot of GOOD LOOKING male don’t give a shit, they just want to get in ya pants and hi five their best friend. Not every male but lets just say 80%, but they will grow out of it in tha early twenties. I have friends like that... but some of ya ladies don’t give a nice guy a try and who knows does he have to have money to be in her life or something that he can offer you, so you turn him awag? How about just LOVE? In a relationship that should be enough, but some don’t give gentleman a chance and that’s why you hear alot of stories of how a guy emotionally abuse, use, mistreat, and hurt a girl cuz the guys don’t care. While a gentleman will love you and paint ya toe nails, read something while in bed, and just hold you hands while at dinner just to be close to you. While a good looking guy disappear in tha morning.
But there’s allot of peeps that act like a gentleman... yep just to get somewhere further in the relationship. Have you ever fell for someone and realize wow?!??!? this person is a jerk? Its an act. First they’re nice and then boom!!! a jerk. Just to make you vulnerable and weak as a prey in the beginning and in the end they robbed you of ya emotions and feeling making you feel neglected and use.. Not knocking Good Looking peeps but tha majority are these jerks that think just cuz a woman look for a good looking man that it gives him a chance to easily get a girl. Which sometimes is true... Oh I’ll go out with him cuz he is so FINE? whatever... are you really respecting yourself for just going out with him cuz of his looks? See, I won’t date any girl unless I know them, and somewhat they have to be my friend. Because I want to find someone I can relate to and feel comfortable talking to. That’s another reason why I don’t like sleeping on tha first date. My concious tell me that ‘Wait, get to know this person’. Common sense would stop you in the heat of the passion don’t get me wrong its hard but ya gotta’ know where your intentions are. I’ve done it, two weeks ago, kiss passionately but I stop, “Can’t do this...” Cuz in tha’ back of my mind I was like “do I like this girl” or “do I really want to go further cuz I’m horny” I stopped cuz I don’t want to regret making her feel like nothing next morning... So I stopped and its been two weeks since I seen her and I’m glad cuz in my mind I would of used her. A real gentlman is hard to find, maybe that’s why allot of girls say..... “I wish they were people like you that I knew.” but in my heart you have to understand another heart before you can trust someone and that’s why Honesty is tha best policy.
SOMEONE TO LOVE ME: Yes its possible I guess *shrugs*
I want to say off tha’ bat that when people realize I’m handicap they feel wierd to the point where they’re afraid to get know me. One thing, is I don’t consider myself handicap but if you see me, first thing you’ll realize is... “this guy is handicap” just love its easy to substitue love instead of using like. I use handicap when I’m really just human. I can go camping, go rides on Cedar Point, walk a marathon with my crutches, ride a car, go to concerts, go dancing, swimming (i’m just a regular merman), and everything but play sport, cuz alot ya have to RUN and my ass can’t do that. I don’t talk about it alot especially on the INTERNET cuz I just want people to get to know me, my heart, feelings and thoughts ... cuz being handicap is not what I’m about ... I’m a human that’s I’m about. So for someone to love is for someone to love me for my big heart.
In my life I have loved and was loved by girls. Its hard finding someone without feeling like I’m going to get a rejection maybe that’s why I like being someone friend so that they can like me as a human first. Then worry about if they’re comfortable about my appearance, sure I’m decent looking but can you walk down tha street and not feel embarrass or threaten about what people might say? Its a good feeling when I find someone that just wants to be with me no matter what. In life I’ve respected all the woman that gaved me a chance and that’s why there’s a little place in my heart for each of them. For giving this man a chance to love them. And yes I’m very insecure about my Polio but it makes me a better. I like to think that the reason why a girl is willing to love me becuz what I am. Not becuz what I look like. So if there’s a chance for me to love someone I retract and retrospect what happen in life before a girl and see if there’s a chance for me to willing commit to this girl and not get hurt. I’m freak at love.
PAIN: Can I take more pain before its too late?
The reason why I’m afraid to love again is the pain. I don’t think its late for me to love someone but I get scared to let someone deal with my feelings. I’ve been through so much in my life that PAIN is my middle name. I was adopted, a new family, lost a whole family, lost a dad to cancer, lost a stepdad to divorce, lost a friend to death, dealing with Polio, dealing with thought of death, dealing with religion, dealing why I’m here, and all these feeling a just a part of my heart. For me to be outgoing and very funny is mind boggling. I have sense of making people when I feel pain. I make allot of jokes when serious things happen, cuz that’s how I deal with it... take tha lighter side of it. Break tha’ Ice. But to be a clown in pain is like mirage, an illusion like magic, and its unbelievable to know that when I write sad but when I’m living I act like nothing wrong somewhat the Greatest Unknown Actor. I want to fall in love, and when the times comes where I meet a woman that will love me for who I am then I’ll welcome it with open arms but right now I’m single but happy that I’ve survive this many years and not commit suicide after all I’ve been through. (daps to God for being my guide to survival).
CRYING: Yes tears when I hurt.
I love crying, I do. I’m sick but tears makes me feel better. It makes me realize that I really love this woman or person that I lost. I’m secure to the point where it doesn’t make me a lesser man that I cry at night, but it makes me a human being for dealing with the pain. So If love feels like it breaking my heart, then of course, I’m gonna cry. When I was younger I didn’t want to ... hide all the pain, I struggle to hold a tear back and just deny my heart from feeling like crying. In the end it makes me feel better crying tears. Running down my cheek cuz it shows that my heart truly felt something for this person. It gives me a chance to know that I can love someone or someone can love me. Crying is therapical (sp) it helps me cope, but I don’t cry alot. If there was a time I cry and I remember off tha bat was a poem called “The Road” my third favorite poem. Its hard to explain but it when I realize someone I loved but couldn’t have. I’m a deep person cuz I write. I’m pretty dark as deep. Find tha core of my heart and deal with the feelings.
THE POINT: To what love means to me
It means that until love reaches you, can you truly be happy. Yeah, if you love yourself, then everything else has to deal with you. The point of living is to be comfortable to be part of this world. I might hurt, but I’m happy that I breathe air, that I wake up and see tha shine hits my face and knowing that the day is another one. I’m happy and loving who I am is the cause.