I don’t know what to say, I’m just going to type what I think or feel at tha process of writing this. So there might be misspelled words, poor grammar, but I don’t care I’m just gonna’ type as I think or feel like writing . Let’s start with what I think PAIN is. Pain is so powerfully distructed, emotionally corruptive, and pain hurts like a son a bitch. I’m not going to write a lot this time, I’m just gonna shorten this as possible as I can into few parts.


DARK: What I’ve been through... (not in details... but try to paint the picture, Leonardo!)


I took a test in late December, and I came back with the results. The paper that was given to me was a paper saying that I was depressed and that my thoughts were so Dark When I took the test, it was true or false answer, about 500 question to be exact. What I realize is for me its hard just say that automitically true and that’s automatically false. It was mostly a sometimes answer that I needed it to give. So I had to make up my mind. You look at my life and you’ll understand just a TAD while I feel so Dark inside of me. Sometimes other are scared when I talk about it, and they just have to leave and not deal with my black heart. I think for some reason I have that quality of diamond in the rough, is what I’ve been through to just hold on to life. One year you’re hopeless born without a family. One year realize that I need help to walk. One year you have small fire scar on the side of ya body to remind you of that terror of burning flesh. One year you’re living in an adopted area for orphanage with bunch of kids that have no hope. One year you’re adopt to new family and you have to deal with the acceptance of others from a new country. I can go on about how many years I felt like there’s so no hope just many tears I cried cuz I wasn’t happy. I mean I can if you want me to go on, ever year there’s something that tortures my heart?? This is just the tip of the iceberge, bigger than the one that sank The Titanic ...


SUICIDE: Yeah.... don't misjudge, the majority thinks of it at one time


I don't know how I want to express this cuz I haven't really discuss this but three years back it was a ruff year and let just say I taste tha' flava of a 12 guage. I'm alot better, but I still feel pain and its really hard to find hope in the future when you're lost in the present. But the thought of killing myself now is absurd, even if I wanted to, I couldn't don't have the guts. This paragraph is too let people know that you're not alone and that there people to help you, but ONLY YOU can survive what's in your heart... and I fought hell and almost lost but 3 years later I'm still hear, but now suicide is just another thought. So when I'm at night if I hurt, I just force myself to cry cuz if I don't one day it might explode and that's not my mind if ya know what I'm talking about. Another reason why I'm Dark.

SADNESS:


To me being sad is different than other feelings that hurt. You can be sad about someone in your life been gone a whole but be back in the sadness it gone. Then there’s sadness where it last about three days cuz you are missing something. I categorize sad to missing or wanting things. Like you miss you dog, your mom, your dad, you miss ya friend, and even love ones and you’ll be sad. It hard to explain what I mean about sadness. To me sadness is basically just for a time being you’re in a state of sorrow. Yeah that’s it. Where it last for a short time, and you’ll know that you’ll get over the sadness. I think when you add to the sadness like death or a long time relationship is becomes more than sadness. You feel sorry, like oh thats sad that your father passed away... (that’s what I hear, or people tell me, that’s sad) It can also be a sort of feeling towards something. One of my friends is in pain right now, and I’ve feel sad cuz I can’t anything to help her deal with it but just be there. My feelings will soon go away and but she’ll always feel a little pain for the situation.

THE HURT: My Heart - A Wish - A Loser - My Last Relationship


I’ve cried myself to sleep. There’s time where the hurt just don’t stop. Wishing that your life is better. Wishing that you would stop the screaming cuz you can’t take it any more. I’ve cried so hard that I went to bed with a headache and still woke up with a headache. I’ve looked at someone and just made my heart froze cuz how I felt so cold inside not willing to stop my heart from liking someone. Yep, liking someone. I push them away here’s the reason why. I can’t afford a woman everything, I can’t make her dreams come true, I can’t offer her the world, I can’t give her anything that she’s wants in life, but all I can give her is my heart, my lonely and fragil heart. And its so hard to give someone something you fear of losing. Its my identity. Its how I survive. Its how I cope with the heart. My heart inspires me to write. You take that then why should I live. I don’t want to just open my heart and just keep her in and find out that she broke out and took her love away from me. I know its sound ridiculous or stupid but trying again to find someone new is hard on me, cuz I can have a crush on someone or like someone, but in my heart I fear that the HURT of losing her in the end will destroy another part of my heart. See, I told my mother, that each and every person that I had strong feeling for and that I would even die for. They have a space in my heart. Sure some of them leave, but there’s still space of the memories, and the times where I felt a little safe. When I’m hurt I’m not myself, I act so stupid and so irrational that its destroy credibility of a personality that other people admire, but you take in someone and let them fill the space, and soon my heart will be filled with pain, sadness and the hurt that I won’t never love again.

Can you believe it? Everyone I know thinks that I have a good personality and yet I hurt deep down inside my heart. Where I keep my Dark feelings that some will never know, where I feel safe to hide my fears, and where I can realize that I’m not gonna ever find love, but as I share it with you, it makes me more safer to let people know that there's such a place. That’s why I say does love exist. To me its telling me that maybe for me love doesn’t exist, for other maybe, but for me, nope. I was so young when I wished on a first star to make my dream come true, and that is someone to love me. I was 13 years old but I just looked at a shooting star in Onaway in Michigan on hot summer night and just make a wish. I’m 23 going on 24 on Aug 3 and yet I still wish on a star. I can’t help wishing for someone to love me cuz that’s all I ask for in life is too find someone that just looks at me and see someone that makes them happy. I just look at a star and I just HAVE TO make a wish. A friend of mine said Bryan White sings a song “wishing someone’s elses star” and I just feel like everytime I make a wish someone steals my star. Maybe I can wish for PAIN and someone try to steal it, then maybe that’s what they get for trying to rob me from my happininess. Life is useless if no one loves me. I love myself. I have too, I wouldn’t be here writing this page on PAIN, after 3 years of desperation. I would be in a tombstone R.i.P. DarkVendetta “A Torture Soul Never Loved” and they playback a song and you'll hear Bone Thugs “Crossroads” but I love myself enough to share my feelings on LOVE or PAIN, but I just want to be honest and truthful. So for some of you who ask me well you got to love yourself.... I do, but I’m thee only one that loves me, and that hurts. Friends might love me? for a sensitive and tortured soul, I need more than that.

I really think of myself as a loser at love and at life. I guess its just so hard try to be a winner in a place where I just feel so isolated from society. I’m very outgoing and yeah I few good friends and some friends that I just know, but I’m just someone that drags through life like a sad myst. See I don’t act like this towards people I know, people that are friends, my best friend we laugh our ass off, we have a good time, and my other best friend we laugh our ass off, but I still hide the pain inside of me. I’m a loser cuz in life I have nothing to offer, give, and I have nothing that no one wants. I’m just a human that’s it, a losing battle like fighting to suceed cuz in the back of my mind, my heart, and in my soul I feel that the hurt is just too much to realize that I can be love. Its hard to imagine to finally find love, and maybe why I’m never going to find love, but it could be why I feel like a loser.

My last relationship was a girl was two years ago. I felt so strong toward this girl and at first she didn’t like me the way I liked her off the bat. But I just started to be a friend, but she knew I liked her allot so she was there hanging out with friends. I have never really talked about it openly but with my best friend and its been two years yet it kinda makes me edgy cuz I just got played out badly and I did everything I could to make her smile, laugh, spoil her with roses, gifts, love notes, and just be a friend but my heart was broken. For two months I was just being a friendly person, and we kinda went out a few times but we never kiss. Cuz I know that if I kiss someone that I like its downhill for me. In before that I thought, maybe I shouldn’t like this girl cuz I don’t want to get hurt, and BOOM!!!! my world came down, I just can’t tell you how many nights I cried to GOD and how I just wish pain wasn’t in my vocab or in my heart. I don’t like her now but it made realize that I can never be truly happy and find someone. I’m so delicate and fragile that I fear finding love and when I wake up and realize that I like someone one day and I did like this person when one morning I woke up and realize it, so it was too late to turn back. Its been two years and I’m cautious and terrified to like someone even if they have something for me. I try to act like nothing bothers me but this just goes back to why I don’t want to hurt people, and that I rather hurt me. Is that I can take a chance and if I get hurt its better for me to feel the pain than her. So I took the chance AGAIN, and after that, I was hurt really bad, so that right now I fear and am threaten by love. Though I act like it doesn’t faze me and I laugh it off its cuz I’m a comedian, silly!!

THE PAIN - Basically it brings the worst out of me


So when I feel pain I’m totally different person, vulnerable, weak, ashame that I’m sensitive enough to feel like I can be taken advantage of. Anyone that knows me, knows I’m outgoing and sometime funny but to find out that this man has a Dark side. They read a poem and automatically say “You wrote this?” How can you be so funny and then all of a sudden not be able to laugh. I see allot of things funny, but when I’m unhappy and feeling like the pain I've felt its too much. I’m just a phreak that’s nervous and feel like I’m in 5th grade wanting to kiss a girl that I always wanted too. I’m so cautious that to let me accept consequences might be a mistake to my heart. I’m always helping people out when they’re down, but when I’m in pain I just feel like No one will ever feel the struggle, the suffering, and the torturing life’s been. My world is dark, my life is dark, and my soul is dark, when I wrote poems or rhymes with the Alias Poetic Poltergiest - my favorites line is - suicide by my side, I’ve died the soul that’s inside - but it really meant that I sometimes feel like I lost my identity when I was young. I’m more comfortable with myself but I fear that one day it might blow up and that's not my mind.

Its my only downfall, that I can be suckered into quick and feel like its my fault. I can pull people in, but I’ll push them back quicker then they came. I try to always keep a distance so that I can feel a little security. I try to work it out with the feelings I have but its hopless I’m just too stubborn.... One moment I can act like OK I’m gonna deal with this, and then next moment I’m like Ok I gotta get you out of my life. The worst of me I just like to do nothing, think, relax, just sit back and endure the pain and just let me feel everything. And in my poem section “Last Night” its about just letting my heart cry until I can’t cry no more and that’s when I fall asleep, with a wet pillow =(.

I always say “I’m gonna get through this, and when I do its the last time for a long time for me to fall for someone” Its so easy to say it when you’re heart isn’t loved. When the chance comes I still feel like I can’t do this cuz of the last time the last relationship and the last time I get involve with someone but I just feel like I need to push away and just relax.... cuz I feel like the next relationship I’m in, I feel like that will be the low point of my life, cuz if I get hurt and realize that life wasn’t made to make me happy then I’m gonna be a herb, or a sad maverick looking for answer in a lost cause .... so this is a short but a wrote a brief page on why I might be consider Dark, the pain, and the vendetta is for the revenge I feel for life and that I need to account on it for pain. I know it isn’t much but basically it brings the worst out of me. And pain is my worst enemy...... thanks for reading!!! *S*