Computer Humor!

Jumps!
10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER!
NEW WINDOWS MESSAGES THAT ARE UNDER CONSIDERATION FOR THE PLANNED WINDOWS 2000
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET!

10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER

The monitor is up on blocks.
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
The six front keys have rotted out.
The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
The password is "Bubba".
There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
The keyboard is camouflaged.
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

NEW WINDOWS MESSAGES THAT ARE UNDER CONSIDERATION FOR THE PLANNED WINDOWS 2000

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 47A:3CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 6547: LPT not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

SIGNS YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net"
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a page-full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
You can't call your mother..she doesn't have a modem.
You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
You create a home-page with the impression to cure the afflicted…but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail.
Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on in two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP’s access number. You try to humm to communicate with it. You succeed.