• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
• Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.
• You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.
• You have a greater chance of being struck by lightning or freezing to death than winning the Powerball Lottery.
• If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
• When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.
• The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
• On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.
• Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.
• Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
• In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
• If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
• More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

1) Name: ___ (Honey) ___ (Sweetie) ___ (Babe) (check all applicable)
2) Age: ___ (21 or under) ___ (not eligible) (check only one)
3) Sex: _______(Y/N)
4) Dress size: _______

EDUCATION AND GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:

5) How many men did you date in college? _________
6) Typically, what did you do on a first date?
A) Sex
B) Oral sex
C) Both
D) None of the above
(If answer is D, please disregard remainder of application)
7) Define "adultery":
A) Sexual intercourse, including actual penetration and ejaculation, between a married person and someone other than that person's spouse.
B) Anything less
(Hint, answer is "A")
8) Which of the following do not fit within the technical definition of "improper relationship": (circle all applicable)
A) An elected official having sex with a 21-year old in the White House while his wife is in the next room
B) An elected official using law enforcement officers to solicit
dates for him
9) What do you think of the novel Lolita?
10) Have you studied the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution?

OFFICE SKILLS:

11) Please circle all skills you possess:
(A) Discretion
(B) Lying under oath
(C) Evading service of process
(D) Big breasts

12) Typing speed: ___ (if unknown, substitute bra size)

13) Do you know how to check for a wiretap? ___

PERSONAL:

14) Do you have a younger sister? ___
15) Describe the type of men you prefer to date:
A) Young, athletic, intelligent, and filled with integrity
B) Older men
16) Do you like cheeseburgers? ___
17) Choose the item below that best describes your personality:
A) Naive, insecure, and trusting
B) Ineligible for this job
18) How many drinks does it take for you to lose control of your judgment?

REFERENCES:

19) Do you know any male member of the Kennedy family?
20) Do you know Kenneth Starr?

UPON COMPLETION:

Please submit this application along with a writing sample (or your panties) to the White House Staff coordinator's office. You may receive telephone call with further questions. For security reasons, the telephone caller will not identify himself and will breathe heavily.