Funny Jokes!

Jumps!
REDNECK HUMOR (sorry)!
MUSICIAN JOKES!

REDNECK HUMOR! (I apologize to all Alabamians…I’m too lazy to change it to something non-offensive, sorry!)

Did you hear about the new 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer house.
Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted.
What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room? A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Alabama: when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guess right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
An Alabamian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The Alabamian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls when I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the Alabamian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything,don't they?"

MUSICIAN JOKES!

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
What is "perfect pitch?" When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What do you call a clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-at-a-glance"
What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work? "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violists use for birth control? Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why are violins smaller than violas? They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between violists and terrorists? Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb? She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door? She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they can't get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? "One, two; one, two."
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.