Funny Lists!

Jumps!
WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLMATE!
SIGNS THAT SUGGEST YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!
FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN DRIVING!
TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE SCHOOL MORE EXCITING!
THINGS WE'D NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES!

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLMATE!

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh crap!! My glass eye!!"
Say "Dang, this water is cold."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks!
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

SIGNS THAT SUGGEST YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM

You're constantly losing arguments to inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling up.
Your job interferes with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence... I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... -Now THAT'S a problem
You seem to focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
"Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
The bar is the only place where everybody knows your name.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Mr. Bennett starts looking good.
You don't recognize your wife unless you see her through the bottom of a glass.
That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
You insist you're as "jober as a sudge".
You can out-drink Mr. Bennett

FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN DRIVING

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing loudly without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire-trucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE SCHOOL MORE EXCITING

In Biology class, dissect least popular student.
Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell.
Every day at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call.
Instead of "Father Of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of our country."
When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room.
Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing.
New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff.
Simplify geography to "America" and "Them Foreign Bastards."
Sex Ed includes weekly field trip to Hooters.
Fail a test, win a dirt bike.

THINGS WE'D NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES!

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition--even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective--or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Three Rivers Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds--unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.