Funny Stuff that isn’t appropriate for everyone…

Funny stuff that isn’t appropriate for everyone…

Jumps!
CONFUSCIOUS SAY...
NEW CONDOM BRANDS/SLOGANS!
TOP 20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX!
THE BET!
THE NEW PREIST...
THE ::ahem:: THINGY TAX!

CONFUSCIOUS SAY…

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pockets, feel cocky all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
Girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town.
He who farts in church, sit in own pew.
Baseball all wrong, man with four balls can't walk.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is ::ahem:: screwing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok (Erik…)
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
When lady say no, she mean maybe, when lady say maybe, she mean yes, when lady say yes, she no lady!
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Woman who go deep sea fishing with 20 men come back with red snapper.

NEW CONDOM BRANDS/SLOGANS (revised by Erik)

Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one baby
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, pH balanced for a woman
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Ford Condoms: The best never rest
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Pennsylvania Lotto Condoms: Benifits Older Pennsylvanians
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever
McDonald's Condoms: 8 for 88 and I like it
Coca Cola Condoms: Always Coca Cola
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm mmm good
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going, and going, and going. . .
Duracell Condoms: You can't top the copper top
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; Make a run for the border
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun
Sears Latex Condoms: One coat is good for the whole winter
Delta Airlines Travel Pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are
Star Trek Condoms: Boldly go where no man has gone before
Downy Condoms: Come on in
Citgo Condoms: Citgo says GO!
Shell Condoms: Moving at the speed of life
NFL Condoms: Feel the power
NBA Condoms: I love this stuff
KDKA News Pittsburgh Condoms: The hometown advantage
Ace Hardware Condoms: Ace is the place for hardware
CBS Condoms: Something's on
Staples Condoms: Yea, we got that
Pittsburgh Pirates Condoms: Let's go to work
JCPenney Condoms: I love your style
Sports Illustrated Condoms: Get into it
Foodland Condoms: Making it easy
BP Condoms: On the move
Dick's Sporting Goods Condoms: Dicks!
Best Buy Condoms: Now that's a great idea
Giant Eagle Condoms: It takes a giant to make life simple
Finish Line Condoms: Get there first
Oscar Meyer Condoms: I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner
Pantene Pro-V Condoms: So healthy it shines
Isuzu Condoms: Go farther
Newport Pleasure Condoms: Fire it up
US Robotics Condoms: Unlock the power
Halls Condoms: Advanced vapor action
New Era Condoms: The only cap worn on the field of play
Navy Condoms: Full Speed Ahead
Diet Coke Condoms: Just for the taste of it
State Farm Condoms: Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there
Old Spice Condoms: Take the high endurance challenge
Lincoln Condoms: What a luxury should be
Castrol GTX Condoms: Drive hard
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Condoms: The PG makes the day for me
Coors Light Condoms: Tap the rockies
7UP Condoms: It's an up thing
Dr. Pepper Condoms: I want more, more, more
Domino's Condoms: For hot and wild call Domino's
Eat 'n Park Condoms: The place for smiles
Absolut Citron Condoms: Absolut squeeze
Jeep Condoms: There's only one
Doral Condoms: Taste the difference
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Condoms: There's no wrong way…

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.

THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

THE NEW PREIST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12
There are 12 disciples, not 10
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the ::ahem:: crap out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub- dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.