A Taste Of What Makes Me Laugh

Non Stop Steven Wright

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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