Things To Think About
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
---- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
----- Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
----- Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
----- Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
------ Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people.
------ Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
------ Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
----- Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
----- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
----- Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
----- George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
----- Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
----- Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
----- A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
----- Dave Barry
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress ... But I repeat myself.
------ MarkTwain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait.
------ A. Whitney Brown
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches.
----- Jim Carrey
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
"Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
----- Paula Poundstone
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
----- Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
----- Sue Murphy
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
----- Lily Tomlin
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
----- Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner.
------ Lynda Montgomery
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
----- Marilyn Pittman
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
------ Lily Tomlin
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
----- Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end.
------ Jerry Seinfeld
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