HICKOPHONES
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by
labeling
African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue
some
of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by
designating
Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all
Southern
schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following
are
excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
1) HEIDI--noun. Greeting.
2) HIRE YEW--Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi,
hire yew?"
3) MAH and YOAH--Possesive pronouns. Usage: "Them's mah grits. Yoah's is
ovah thayah."
4) BIDNIS--noun. Commercial activity or personal interest. Usage: "T'aint
none of yoah bidnis."
5) BARD--verb. Past tense of the infinive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother
bard mah pickup truck."
6) JAWJUH--noun. The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage:
"My brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck."
7) BAMMER--noun. The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage:
"A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvement."
8) MUNTS--noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard
mah pickup truck, and ah ain't herd from him in munts."
9) THANK--verb. To cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank it's tam fer a
visit."
10) BARE--noun. An alcoholic beverage made from barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
11) IGNERT--adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer
boys
shore are ignert!"
12) RANCH--noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank I left
mah
ranch in the back of that pickup truck mah brother form Jawjuh bard a
few
munts ago."
13) ALL--noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah sure hope mah
brother
from
Jawjuh puts all in mah pickup truck."
14) FAR--noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If mah brother form Jawjuh don't
change
the all in mah pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."
15) TAR--noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, ah hope that brother of mine
from
Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in mah pickup truck."
16) TIRE--noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't
rise,
ah sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
17) RETARD--verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
18) FAT--noun. 1. A battle or combat. verb. 1. To engage in battle or
combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, 'n ah'm gonna whup yuh."
19) RATS--noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Sounterners are
willin'
to fat for are rats."
20) FARN--adjective. Not local. Usage: "Ah cuddint unnerstan a wurd he
sed....Mus' be from some farn country."
21) DID--adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
22) EAR--noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't
breathe...give 'im some ear!"
23) BOB WAR--noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from
that
bob
war fence."
24) JEW HERE--noun and verbal contraction. Usage: "Jew here that mah
brother
from
Jawjuh got a job whith that bob war fence cump'ny?"
25) HAZE--verbal contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert.
He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
26) SEED--verb, past tense of "to see". VIEW--contraction: verb and
pronoun.
Usage: "Ah ain't never seed New York City...view?"
27) GUMMIT--noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys
shore are ignert"
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