HICKOPHONES

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

1) HEIDI--noun. Greeting.

2) HIRE YEW--Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

3) MAH and YOAH--Possesive pronouns. Usage: "Them's mah grits. Yoah's is ovah thayah."

4) BIDNIS--noun. Commercial activity or personal interest. Usage: "T'aint none of yoah bidnis."

5) BARD--verb. Past tense of the infinive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard mah pickup truck."

6) JAWJUH--noun. The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck."

7) BAMMER--noun. The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvement."

8) MUNTS--noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck, and ah ain't herd from him in munts."

9) THANK--verb. To cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank it's tam fer a visit."

10) BARE--noun. An alcoholic beverage made from barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

11) IGNERT--adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys shore are ignert!"

12) RANCH--noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank I left mah ranch in the back of that pickup truck mah brother form Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

13) ALL--noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah sure hope mah brother from Jawjuh puts all in mah pickup truck."

14) FAR--noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If mah brother form Jawjuh don't change the all in mah pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."

15) TAR--noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, ah hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in mah pickup truck."

16) TIRE--noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, ah sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

17) RETARD--verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

18) FAT--noun. 1. A battle or combat. verb. 1. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, 'n ah'm gonna whup yuh."

19) RATS--noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Sounterners are willin' to fat for are rats."

20) FARN--adjective. Not local. Usage: "Ah cuddint unnerstan a wurd he sed....Mus' be from some farn country."

21) DID--adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

22) EAR--noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

23) BOB WAR--noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

24) JEW HERE--noun and verbal contraction. Usage: "Jew here that mah brother from Jawjuh got a job whith that bob war fence cump'ny?"

25) HAZE--verbal contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

26) SEED--verb, past tense of "to see". VIEW--contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "Ah ain't never seed New York City...view?"

27) GUMMIT--noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert"
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