DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and my Boyfriend Scott and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds. I love snow!
December 9: My boyfriend and I woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving to Ohio was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a young girl again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor Julie tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Julie says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Julie is such a nice girl. I'm glad she's my neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for my other car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Scott thinks I should get a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. I'm not in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. Scott laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
Scott and try not to irritate him. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it that to him. God I hate it when he's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14"
of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor
kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Julie says
I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think she's lying.
December 22: Julie was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Julie's Husband who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but she says he's too busy. I think the bitch is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
Scott said I think you should decorate the front of the house this morning. What is he...nuts??? Why didn't he suggest that to me a month ago? He says he did but I think he's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight Scott wanted me to sing Christmas carols with him and his family and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the *&/&%%$$$#!!! slop tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for
a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. Scott said I have a bad attitude. I think he's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill him.
December 26: Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all Scott's idea. he's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in.
THE ASSHOLE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Julie says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does she think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in.
The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. Scott went to stay with his mother.
. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?