Your Horoscope:
Stars show how your week will be: 5-Crazy 4-Groovy 3-Sweet 2-So-so 1-Horrible
Tip of the week
Aries: * * *
You will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is
not actually for undergarments.
Taurus: * * * *
Good time to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing
up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of
your current relationships.
Gemini: * *
Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, but you'll be far too clever
for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.
Cancer: *
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying
that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive.
Leo: * * * *
Beware of rodents.
Virgo: *
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the
sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Libra: * * * *
Beware of short people.
Scorpio: * * * * *
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes
everyone else miserable, just by looking at you.
Sagittarius: *
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining -- your home is inhabited
by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Capricorn: * * *
Your relatives may try to have you committed. Luckily, through a series of
amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will
simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Aries: * * * * *
Not an especially good week to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if
you have plans to go anywhere.
Pisces: *
You will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are
being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine
shape, mentally.
This months Birthday horoscope:
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the "Spaghetti Western" back from
obscurity. Your first film will be "A Fistful of Noodles", in which an aging Clint
Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences
between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner. Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. PISCES helps you get off to a good start.
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...ummm...yea!
