Relationships In Abusive Situations
This is an essay I wrote for my Grade 11 C.A.P.P. class. We got partnered up with someone else in the class and unfortunately, I ended up with a guy named Shad Mould... Well to say the least he was a slacker. I did everything for our project. I did the research, wrote the essay, got a video together, made pamphlets and ribbons, and did the entire presentation. I have changed the essay since then, adding new info, changing my wording, etc. I learned so much doing this project. So much that it has changed my life. Changed the way I look at a situation where abuse is involved and I wear my white ribbon every year to honour women who have died because of abuse. This past September I also participated in the yearly "Take Back The Night" march that supports and informs people that abuse in relationships actually exists. Anyway, if you wish to use my essay for any purpose what so ever, feel free. It's something I'm very proud of, I just hope you can take the time to tell me what you think about it. E-mail me or sign my guestbook. 
Jenny
Imagine your mother, your aunt, your neighbor, or someone close to you being part of the 1.8 million women abused every year. That's one woman every 16 seconds. Amazing, isn't it? That abuse of women and sometimes men is most commonly a family crime, which has probably gone on since before the human race emerged from caves. Abuse includes physical and sexual assault, emotional and psychological intimidation, degradation, deprivation and/or exploitation of women by their intimate partners. Spousal abuse is in every community, every town, every city, every province, every country in the world. Family violence can, and too often leads to murder.
Not one thing causes someone to abuse there loved one but, there is never an excuse for committing assault. There are a number of things to consider, alcohol and drug abuse are major causes that lead to someone assaulting there loved one. There was a wheel designed in order to organize the patterns of an abusive partner. It starts out with tension building up, leading to a big explosion, when a man or sometimes a woman assaults his/her partner. After the explosion, the victim in some cases leaves her husband/boyfriend or his wife/girlfriend. Apologies are then made, convincing their partner it will never happen again and he/she unfortunately returns to their home. Everything is normal for a while, then the tension builds up again creating a cycle.
Statistics show that 95 percent of the victims of domestic violence are women. Men who assault women come from every culture, educational background, income level, and age group. Often a woman who's been battered thinks it's happening only to her which is obviously not true. Most women really feel they deserve it and are ashamed that they are victims. Most women believe the beatings are unprovoked and often come without warning, yet blame themselves anyway. They also take into consideration and sometimes even go about trying to satisfy their man better. Thinking it is her fault she is being abused.
There aren't many ways to prevent being assaulted by your partner. One thing you can do is leave as soon as the abuse starts. Prevent the damage from affecting you long term. You not only need to protect your body, but your soul, your emotions, and your beliefs. It can destroy your life, along with your children's lives if you have them and sometimes resulting in death.
Men who batter believe that they have the right to do whatever it takes to regain control of their lives. Recently abusive men have taken a lesson from all the controversy, and hot lines have been ringing off the hook from men who have to ask whether their own conduct constitutes abusive behavior. They also claim that they want to stop battering a loved one, but don't know how. Men are asking themselves, "If OJ had all this fame and chose to kill, then what's to prevent me?" OJ was found innocent for a horrendous crime that many people strongly believe he committed. Men are doing the right thing by questioning their actions and taking responsibility for them.
Consequences of physical abuse include bruises, broken and cracked bones, back and head injuries, loss of hearing, impaired eyesight, malnutrition, burns, disfigurement, and death. Consequences of psychological abuse include terror, depression, suicidal tendencies, severe anxiety, loss of self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, shame, feelings of isolation. Due to the nature of
abuse; abuse is often hidden from members of extended families, friends and neighbors. Women are the primary victims of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. For some, the emotional damage strikes even deeper than the physical. They feel alone, trapped and helpless. Some women become so severely depressed that they develop alcohol and drug problems. Abusive men are also hurt by their own behavior. Relationships with women and families are important to most of them, yet their behavior can cause them to lose what they value most. A man who assaults a woman should seek help, not silence.
The first step in getting help may be the hardest, but it is the step that can lead you and if you have one, your family to recovery. You do not need to be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. If you are a victim of assault, you can call the police, or 911 in the case of an emergency, a women's shelter or crisis line listed in your local directory, a friend, family, and the Victims Information Line 1-800-VICTIMS. If you know a woman in an abusive situation, talk to her. Tell her that it is dangerous to do nothing about the abuse, and that for her own safety and especially if she has children, she should get help. Inform her that doctors, police officers, shelter workers, and other professionals are there to help. Closed doors haven't kept this problem from
spreading. Women have a right to be safe in their own homes, but sometimes the only safe place is somewhere else. Safe places you can turn to are homes of friends and/or family, transition houses, and second-stage houses. In order to keep some of these places safer, addresses are not available. Transition houses provide temporary housing in a safe, secure environment for women leaving an abusive relationship. Women usually stay in a transition house less than a month. Second-stage houses help women make long-term plans for independent living. Stays usually last 9-12 months. Transition houses also provide food and other necessities, support in getting financial, medical or legal help, and emotional help and counseling. Transition houses can be found in just about every town in B.C.
OJ Simpson is probably, the most well known woman abuser. His name has entered the lexicon as a verb for torture. A man in Orange County, Calif. had a license plate framed with a personal warning: "If OJ walks, my ex-wife better start running." Abuse experts worry that Simpson's release may force victims to retreat into their private hell, discouraging them from seeking legal help. Believing that if OJ got away with it, who's to say their husbands wont. Just minutes from Simpson's Rockingham estate, where a celebration party took place after the trial, Denise Brown told a gathering of candle-carrying protesters the verdict was saying, "You can rape, you can stalk, you can kill, and it's quite all right." A jury of 2 men and 10 women so swiftly dismissed Simpson's violent past as a prelude to murder. Simpson's violent past consisted of police reports of a half-clothed Nicole, hiding in fear, in some bushes outside her home . Nicole left haunting souvenirs in a safety deposit box, photos of her bruised face, Simpson's apology, a will naming her middle sister, Dominique, as guardian of her children. She was writing in the event of her death and in her closing statements, she wrote, "He's going to kill me." Ever since Simpson was named as the key suspect in Nicole's brutal slaying, calls for help from battered women's shelters increased by 25 percent. Police
departments are taking abuse cases more seriously.
Marc Lepine is another common abuser. He is famous for what is known as the "Montreal Massacre." It all happened on December 6, 1989 at Ecole Polytechnique, an engineering school in Montreal. Marc was a deranged misogynist, who at the time blamed all of his problems on women. So, in an attempt to end his misery, Lepine went on a rampage shooting all the women in his gun sights. He prowled the halls proclaiming that he hated feminists and that they ruined his life. He ended up killing 14 young women and injuring 13, which were all strangers to him before he did the only good thing he did that morning, he killed himself. I think he took the cowardly way out. That day the whole Canadian nation was wounded. Many innocent women died for no reason. Women sitting in their classrooms and in the cafeteria eating breakfast were horrendously murdered. Women that had everything to live for and so much to look forward to in life.
The women that Lepine shot weren't the only victims. The investigating police officer in charge, found the body of his own daughter. A distraught male student later committed suicide because his guilt for not doing anything to stop Lepine was too unbearable. Later, the boy's parents committed suicide in grief for their son. The victimization just goes on and on. Eleven carloads of Montreal police remained outside the killing building until 30 minutes after it was confirmed that Lepine had tired of himself and his murderous rampage, with 40 bullets remaining in unused clips. The awful toll could have been infinitely worse, had not Lepine ended it himself.
Many provinces remember and honour the 14 women that died on December 6, of 1989. In Nova Scotia, many years ago a tree was planted in the students' memory and few years ago on December 6, of 1997 several students from a University in Nova Scotia had a plaque made and placed it in front of the tree. 14 roses were placed around the tree and several carnations placed around the plaque. We haven't forgotten about what happened almost ten years ago, and I don't think many of us will forget anytime soon. Marc Lepine affected many people that day and many of us are still affected. He gave us fear and sadness. I hope the students in Nova Scotia will continue to honour those innocent women that died so many years ago. I truly hope this will teach others throughout Canada that we all should remember those that died during the Montreal Massacre. Paying our respects because it has affected us all in one form or another.
There are so many different types of violence and they are so common it's amazing we don't notice them. In 22% of all divorce cases abuse is the reason. 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women. We all deserve happiness in our lives, in our relationships, in our marriages. Our children deserve happiness in their families. No one deserves to be hit, beaten, threatened, humiliated, or otherwise subjected to any form of abuse. These crimes go against our rights and freedoms.
Article 1: All human beings are born free and equal in dignity
and rights.
Article 3: Everyone has a right to life, liberty, and security of person.
Article 5: No one shall be subjected to torture, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.
Article 12: No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with (his/her) privacy, family, home or correspondence, not to attacks upon (his/her) honour and reputation. Everyone has a right to the protection of the law against such interference's or attacks.
Article 28: Everyone is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.
These are official written statements that everyone must obide by, whether they like it or not. If someone goes against these rights we obtain, serious consequences may result. Abuse is a very serious matter and should never be overlooked. So many women are suffering each and every day and don't do anything about it because they blame themselves. We need to inform these women that it's not there fault and that they don't have to put up with it. Abuse is wrong and no one should suffer.
As a woman, as a man, as an individual... Honour those who have died because of abuse. All those people in abusive situations need our support. Need our kindness and consideration. Help them to feel safe if they do decide to leave. Protect them if they need it. Provide food and shelter if you are able. Listen if they need to talk, lend your shoulder if they need to cry. All these things are helpful and can be found in shelters anywhere. In every town, every city, every province. There's always one nearby and more than willing to help you, if you are in need.
On December 6, remember to wear your white ribbons and pay your respects to all those who have died because of a violent spouse or partner. Remember all the poor women who died in Montreal in December of 1989. Lost there lives because of a deranged misogynist, who decided to go on a killing rampage because his girlfriend broke up with him. Most importantly though, remember for yourself. Just in case it happens to you...
